This is my very first holiday to spend by myself. I know that in the future this will become a common occurrence, but this first one is definitely hard. I've always hated being by myself, but it's somehow worse on a holiday. All of the memories are flooding your thoughts and the tears are flooding your eyes. It shouldn't be a big deal. I mean, my family just went out of town for 5 days without me, that's all, but it's still rough to be by yourself.
How I wish I could just write down all of my thoughts today, but there are so many, so I'm not even going to try.
I went to Chris and Amy's yesterday. They were nice enough to let me spend the afternoon with them instead of the solitary confinement of my house. We talked for several hours about all kinds of things. It wasn't really a very encouraging conversation. I think that the subject we talked about most was the fact that neither of us can figure out what God is telling us to do right now.
Why is the will of God so hard to figure out? One minute you're sure that he's telling you to pursue one path, and the next you think he's telling you to go a completely different direction. I wish there was an easy way to find out. I wish we could all just read The Purpose Driven Life and know which way was the one God had for us, but it just doesn't work that way.
Sometimes there are so many paths to choose from, and you can't figure out which one would honor God the most. My problem is that I sit there at the fork in the road, pondering, peering into the darkness that lies down each one, and I become complacent. I can't decide right away, and eventually I never do. I either get shoved down the one, or I somehow lose the other one because I didn't make my choice when it needed to be made.
Sometimes I think it's because I'm not a good enough Christian. That maybe I've let something into my life that I shouldn't have. But I can't think for the life of me what this would be at the moment. I'm not perfect, but there doesn't seem to be a big sin that is blocking my view of God right now. No, I don't think that's it. Even Christians who I admire and respect wholeheartedly have this problem, and they can't give me answers either. I guess it'll all shake out, but I don't like waiting. I hate waiting, as a matter of fact. Oh well. I'll have to anyway.
Still pondering and peering,
Anna
Monday, July 04, 2005
Thursday, June 30, 2005
No Kissing Policy
Okay, I was writing on my last post about how the people at work found out about my "No Kissing Policy", as I call it. Everyone is always so curious about why I have this policy. Some people say, "Aww," others say, "Huh?" Some think it's good, some think it's bad. Some think it's smart, some think it's stupid. The one thing that stays consistent is that it makes a splash.
I think I've come up with three reasons that I have this policy. Two of them are legitimate, one of them isn't.
I'll start with the ones that are legit first.
#1. If I had kissed a guy and married another, I'd feel guilty for the rest of my life. I would feel sooooo bad! I feel like a kiss is something special that shouldn't be taken lightly. They shouldn't be given away like candy, there for the taking of anyone who asks nicely. Once you have given them, you can't take them back. Someday that might come back to bite you.
#2. I don't trust myself. Since I want to be married so badly. I think that allowing a guy to kiss me would be starting my mind winding down a bad path. Girls have a really hard time guarding their thoughts, and since I've wanted to be married for as long as I can remember, I think I'd be more prone to impure thoughts. I don't want to get myself or him in trouble with our thoughts, not to mention that thoughts lead to actions. Hmm. Not smart. Maybe you think I'm not giving myself enough credit, but I'd rather not give myself enough credit and stay safe, than send myself hurtling down a path I swore I'd never set foot on. Purity is about so much more than your body, it includes your emotions, thoughts and spirit. I want to be pure in every sense of the word for my husband. I want to save myself in every way for him. If he doesn't respect me enough for that, I'd say we have a problem. He would be cheating himself out of a lot of things.
#3. I'm scared to death! You may think this is ridiculous, even comical, but I'm really scared of kissing. I'm sure this fear will dissipate someday, but as of right now it is very prominent in my thought process. I guess I'm afraid that after a guy kisses me, he won't love me. I don't know. I know it sounds strange, (probably because it is strange) but I don't know how else to say it.
So, there you have it. That's why I have my policy, like it or not. I don't know if this helps you understand any better. Maybe you're just more confused, but that's the best I can explain it.
Kissing frogs is good enough for me!
Anna
Addendum: I was on the right track with this. Too bad I didn't heed my own advice.
I think I've come up with three reasons that I have this policy. Two of them are legitimate, one of them isn't.
I'll start with the ones that are legit first.
#1. If I had kissed a guy and married another, I'd feel guilty for the rest of my life. I would feel sooooo bad! I feel like a kiss is something special that shouldn't be taken lightly. They shouldn't be given away like candy, there for the taking of anyone who asks nicely. Once you have given them, you can't take them back. Someday that might come back to bite you.
#2. I don't trust myself. Since I want to be married so badly. I think that allowing a guy to kiss me would be starting my mind winding down a bad path. Girls have a really hard time guarding their thoughts, and since I've wanted to be married for as long as I can remember, I think I'd be more prone to impure thoughts. I don't want to get myself or him in trouble with our thoughts, not to mention that thoughts lead to actions. Hmm. Not smart. Maybe you think I'm not giving myself enough credit, but I'd rather not give myself enough credit and stay safe, than send myself hurtling down a path I swore I'd never set foot on. Purity is about so much more than your body, it includes your emotions, thoughts and spirit. I want to be pure in every sense of the word for my husband. I want to save myself in every way for him. If he doesn't respect me enough for that, I'd say we have a problem. He would be cheating himself out of a lot of things.
#3. I'm scared to death! You may think this is ridiculous, even comical, but I'm really scared of kissing. I'm sure this fear will dissipate someday, but as of right now it is very prominent in my thought process. I guess I'm afraid that after a guy kisses me, he won't love me. I don't know. I know it sounds strange, (probably because it is strange) but I don't know how else to say it.
So, there you have it. That's why I have my policy, like it or not. I don't know if this helps you understand any better. Maybe you're just more confused, but that's the best I can explain it.
Kissing frogs is good enough for me!
Anna
Addendum: I was on the right track with this. Too bad I didn't heed my own advice.
I'll think up a title for this someday...
Wow. That's all I can say. I had this conversation last night... Well, let me just tell you.
Okay, there's this guy at work. His name is Dustin. Dustin is a cool guy. Very sweet, extremely nice, a good team worker. He is one of my favorites to work with. I call him "My friend at work". He's the guy that I go to and say, "AAAAAUUUUGH! Table 40 is going to strangle me!"
Now, the thing that you have to understand about Dustin is that he's gay. It's out in the open, and everyone knows it. I know he's gay, he knows I'm a Christian, but the wonderful thing is that we still get along great. We don't shun each other at all.
A couple of days ago, the fact that I have never been kissed came up. Oh my goodness, you would have thought that I sprouted antennae and turned green. It made the biggest splash ever. One of the guys chased me around the store, trying to get a hold of my "virgin lips." Okay, what a creep! EEEEEWWWW! Anyway, the idea of being abstinent is almost foreign to them, so when I mentioned that I've never even been kissed, they flipped out. They mention it about once every hour or so.
And that's what's been going on down at work. I was just trying to set the situation up for ya...
So there are Dustin and I, sitting there rolling our silverware (we roll a lot of silverware), and across the room they start talking about me again. Apparently Dustin hadn't heard the whole thing, so when he heard about the kissing thing he said, "Aww, that's so sweet. You're so pure, Anna." He hung his head and made a comment about being a whore.
I didn't know what to say. I mean, I just kind of looked down at my silverware and kept rolling. We started talking about the fact that he's homosexual, and he made a comment that sounded like this. "Well, it's not really my fault. I was born this way." I said, "Um, I'd have to disagree with you there." He looked back down at his silverware and said, "What, you think I'd choose to be the way I am?" I looked at him and said, "Yeah." (Right now I'm thinkin', Anna, what are you doing? You are getting yourself into a huge mess!!!)
Our conversation got interrupted, and we had to wait for some people to go away. He said, "That kind of upsets me a little bit." Then he asked me, "Why do you say that?" I said, "Here's the way I look at it: Guys and girls bodies are just made to fit together, and it's the only way to reproduce. For those two reasons, I really can't logically justify homosexual behavior in my head. I really don't think that people are born homosexual." He said, "Well, I think that things can happen when you are a child that can influence you that way." I said, "Yeah, absolutely. I think you're right, but I still think you have control." He didn't really say anything.
Then he told me, "You know, I don't think I'm totally gay." I said, "Huh? What do you mean?" He said, "Honestly, I think there's a part of me that's not gay. I can see myself with a woman someday in the future, and I want children. I could raise children in a same-sex sort of environment, but I know a lot of people look down on that. I would never want my kids to have to go through that." I nodded my head and told him I understood.
He talked about how he knows he's a sinner, that homosexuality is listed as a sin in the Bible... He's been to church a lot when he was younger, so he does know some stuff about the way I thing. The thing is, I don't buy the excuse that Dustin was born that way, and I don't think he does either. His own behavior bothers him.
When he told me that he could see himself getting married to a woman, we started talking about what it would be like "if" he pulled out of it. I said, "You know, I know it can be done. I've seen guys who left the homosexual lifestyle behind, but it's really hard. It's sort of like how alcoholics always want to drink and druggies are tempted for the rest of their lives. It doesn't leave you alone. Quitting is hard, but it can be done."
We talked about it for a while longer, but we ran out of silverware pretty soon. I wanted to make sure that he still knew that I love him, and that I'm not trying to shun him. I'm pretty sure I communicated that message. We were still buddies walking out the door.
He did ask me when we were clocking out, "Anna, what do you think about tattoos?" Okay, you all know that I'm a church girl. I know so many church answers that it's not even funny, and so I automatically say things like, "The Bible says..." Trouble is, that doesn't really matter to non-believers. I know that, of course, but I didn't even think about it when I said, "Well, in the Old Testament God did tell his people not to mark their bodies-" Dustin cut me short. He put his hands on my shoulders, came down to my level (he's a lot taller than I am,) and he said, "Anna, I didn't ask you what the Bible said. I asked you what you thought." I sat there for a second, blinking. I blurted, "I think they're gross." I was having a serious mixed reaction. Part of me was thinking, He just said he doesn't care what the Bible says. The other part of me was thinking, I just had a 30-45 minute conversation with him about how I think that homosexuality is wrong, and he still respects my opinion! Oh God, you are so amazing!
I got into my car last night and cried almost the whole way home. My heart is absolutely breaking for Dustin. I just asked God over and over, "What do I do? Did I say the right things? Did I do the right things? Did I scare him away from you? What do I do?"
I don't know if I'm going to be having long conversations about homosexuality with Dustin in the future, but I'm praying so hard that I will be in tune with the Holy Spirit. I don't know what He wants me to communicate to him. You never know what's going to be discussed over silverware next.
Sort of silverwared out,
Anna
Okay, there's this guy at work. His name is Dustin. Dustin is a cool guy. Very sweet, extremely nice, a good team worker. He is one of my favorites to work with. I call him "My friend at work". He's the guy that I go to and say, "AAAAAUUUUGH! Table 40 is going to strangle me!"
Now, the thing that you have to understand about Dustin is that he's gay. It's out in the open, and everyone knows it. I know he's gay, he knows I'm a Christian, but the wonderful thing is that we still get along great. We don't shun each other at all.
A couple of days ago, the fact that I have never been kissed came up. Oh my goodness, you would have thought that I sprouted antennae and turned green. It made the biggest splash ever. One of the guys chased me around the store, trying to get a hold of my "virgin lips." Okay, what a creep! EEEEEWWWW! Anyway, the idea of being abstinent is almost foreign to them, so when I mentioned that I've never even been kissed, they flipped out. They mention it about once every hour or so.
And that's what's been going on down at work. I was just trying to set the situation up for ya...
So there are Dustin and I, sitting there rolling our silverware (we roll a lot of silverware), and across the room they start talking about me again. Apparently Dustin hadn't heard the whole thing, so when he heard about the kissing thing he said, "Aww, that's so sweet. You're so pure, Anna." He hung his head and made a comment about being a whore.
I didn't know what to say. I mean, I just kind of looked down at my silverware and kept rolling. We started talking about the fact that he's homosexual, and he made a comment that sounded like this. "Well, it's not really my fault. I was born this way." I said, "Um, I'd have to disagree with you there." He looked back down at his silverware and said, "What, you think I'd choose to be the way I am?" I looked at him and said, "Yeah." (Right now I'm thinkin', Anna, what are you doing? You are getting yourself into a huge mess!!!)
Our conversation got interrupted, and we had to wait for some people to go away. He said, "That kind of upsets me a little bit." Then he asked me, "Why do you say that?" I said, "Here's the way I look at it: Guys and girls bodies are just made to fit together, and it's the only way to reproduce. For those two reasons, I really can't logically justify homosexual behavior in my head. I really don't think that people are born homosexual." He said, "Well, I think that things can happen when you are a child that can influence you that way." I said, "Yeah, absolutely. I think you're right, but I still think you have control." He didn't really say anything.
Then he told me, "You know, I don't think I'm totally gay." I said, "Huh? What do you mean?" He said, "Honestly, I think there's a part of me that's not gay. I can see myself with a woman someday in the future, and I want children. I could raise children in a same-sex sort of environment, but I know a lot of people look down on that. I would never want my kids to have to go through that." I nodded my head and told him I understood.
He talked about how he knows he's a sinner, that homosexuality is listed as a sin in the Bible... He's been to church a lot when he was younger, so he does know some stuff about the way I thing. The thing is, I don't buy the excuse that Dustin was born that way, and I don't think he does either. His own behavior bothers him.
When he told me that he could see himself getting married to a woman, we started talking about what it would be like "if" he pulled out of it. I said, "You know, I know it can be done. I've seen guys who left the homosexual lifestyle behind, but it's really hard. It's sort of like how alcoholics always want to drink and druggies are tempted for the rest of their lives. It doesn't leave you alone. Quitting is hard, but it can be done."
We talked about it for a while longer, but we ran out of silverware pretty soon. I wanted to make sure that he still knew that I love him, and that I'm not trying to shun him. I'm pretty sure I communicated that message. We were still buddies walking out the door.
He did ask me when we were clocking out, "Anna, what do you think about tattoos?" Okay, you all know that I'm a church girl. I know so many church answers that it's not even funny, and so I automatically say things like, "The Bible says..." Trouble is, that doesn't really matter to non-believers. I know that, of course, but I didn't even think about it when I said, "Well, in the Old Testament God did tell his people not to mark their bodies-" Dustin cut me short. He put his hands on my shoulders, came down to my level (he's a lot taller than I am,) and he said, "Anna, I didn't ask you what the Bible said. I asked you what you thought." I sat there for a second, blinking. I blurted, "I think they're gross." I was having a serious mixed reaction. Part of me was thinking, He just said he doesn't care what the Bible says. The other part of me was thinking, I just had a 30-45 minute conversation with him about how I think that homosexuality is wrong, and he still respects my opinion! Oh God, you are so amazing!
I got into my car last night and cried almost the whole way home. My heart is absolutely breaking for Dustin. I just asked God over and over, "What do I do? Did I say the right things? Did I do the right things? Did I scare him away from you? What do I do?"
I don't know if I'm going to be having long conversations about homosexuality with Dustin in the future, but I'm praying so hard that I will be in tune with the Holy Spirit. I don't know what He wants me to communicate to him. You never know what's going to be discussed over silverware next.
Sort of silverwared out,
Anna
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