I know, I know, it's "The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil", but for me it is an endless source of worry. I worry about it all the time. You know, I say that it's not that important to me, but since I worry about it so much... It must be more important than I think it is.
Since I was about 15 I've managed a lot of my mom's money. Not in her personal account, of course, but at the store. I pay the bills, pay the taxes, balance the account... Well, actually I don't balance the account anymore. She does that herself these days. Hooray!!!
Anyway, there have been times where we have been pretty behind with our bills, and right now is one of those times. We just aren't selling things fast enough. Or maybe we are, I just can't figure out where the money is all going to.
It's strange, because usually tax season makes things really hard. People are saving up to pay taxes, so they keep the finances a little tighter than usual. They don't want to spend it on frivolous stuff like knitting. Well, this year we didn't have much of a problem in tax season. I was amazed, actually, that business was going so well.
Well, this morning I found about 3 bills that weren't in my designated bill folder. They were just kind of laying around. I was horrified! That's 3 more bills on top of the rest that I need to pay but don't have the money for. I really have no idea what to do.
See, last year my mom had a job outside the store. She was working as a secretary for the church, so the money that she was making there was going to the store account. For a few months I could breathe. It was such a relief. We were current on all of our bills. I wasn't staying awake at night, wondering what I was going to do about the money.
Then my mom quit. Now we're back at square one. We have all these bills, and I have no earthly idea how we're going to pay them. It almost literally worries me sick. When I think about it I start to tremble. Weird, huh?
Here's the other thing. I don't understand my mom. See, I do a lot of stuff around the store here. We go out of town twice a month to do classes and stuff, and she really likes me to be there, she has me do all of the ordering and bills.
My brother has been really itching to get a job, and mom and dad have been super encouraging. I was kind of jealous, because I thought that they didn't want me to get a job. I thought that mom thought I was indispensable. Well, that's the message that came across to me. Last night Nathan and I were talking, and he said he heard my mom fuming to one of her friends about how she wishes I would go out and get a job. Huh? I never heard anything about it. She tells me she needs me all the time. When I talked about getting a job before, mom had dad talk to me and say, "Anna, what do you need money so badly for?"
So last night I asked mom about it. She said, "I don't have the money to pay you." Um, yeah, I know that. I pay the bills, remember? So now I guess I'm going to go out and get a million applications... I'm so confused! And worried...
Man, I've got to stop that! Everyone says, "Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself." I've read, "The Cure for Anxiety" in Matthew like, 100 times. I guess I just don't trust God enough. No, I know I don't trust God enough. It's one of my weakest points in my walk. It's something that I have never done my whole life.
When I was 12, I was constantly worrying about my younger brother. Everytime he would walk somewhere and he was gone for more than 10 minutes, I would stand outside and look for him. I was always worried he would be kidnapped or something. I didn't sleep when I was away from home, whether my parents were with me or not. Why on earth did I worry so much? I don't understand me! Who knows?
I would love to say that I trusted God all the time, that he has proved himself faithful, and that was enough for me. He has proved himself faithful, He's never let me down. But no, it's not always enough for me. I still distrust him. Go figure.
Hakunah Matata? Yeah right.
Anna
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