This is my very first holiday to spend by myself. I know that in the future this will become a common occurrence, but this first one is definitely hard. I've always hated being by myself, but it's somehow worse on a holiday. All of the memories are flooding your thoughts and the tears are flooding your eyes. It shouldn't be a big deal. I mean, my family just went out of town for 5 days without me, that's all, but it's still rough to be by yourself.
How I wish I could just write down all of my thoughts today, but there are so many, so I'm not even going to try.
I went to Chris and Amy's yesterday. They were nice enough to let me spend the afternoon with them instead of the solitary confinement of my house. We talked for several hours about all kinds of things. It wasn't really a very encouraging conversation. I think that the subject we talked about most was the fact that neither of us can figure out what God is telling us to do right now.
Why is the will of God so hard to figure out? One minute you're sure that he's telling you to pursue one path, and the next you think he's telling you to go a completely different direction. I wish there was an easy way to find out. I wish we could all just read The Purpose Driven Life and know which way was the one God had for us, but it just doesn't work that way.
Sometimes there are so many paths to choose from, and you can't figure out which one would honor God the most. My problem is that I sit there at the fork in the road, pondering, peering into the darkness that lies down each one, and I become complacent. I can't decide right away, and eventually I never do. I either get shoved down the one, or I somehow lose the other one because I didn't make my choice when it needed to be made.
Sometimes I think it's because I'm not a good enough Christian. That maybe I've let something into my life that I shouldn't have. But I can't think for the life of me what this would be at the moment. I'm not perfect, but there doesn't seem to be a big sin that is blocking my view of God right now. No, I don't think that's it. Even Christians who I admire and respect wholeheartedly have this problem, and they can't give me answers either. I guess it'll all shake out, but I don't like waiting. I hate waiting, as a matter of fact. Oh well. I'll have to anyway.
Still pondering and peering,
Anna
