So those of you that know me (which is probably anyone who would be reading this...) know that I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up. Well, actually I know what I want to be, I just don't know what I want to go to school for. I want to be a good wife and a good mom. Unfortunately, this is not a recognized profession. You can't get a degree in being a housewife. Also, you have to have a husband, so... I'm kind of up a creek.
So school is kind of a rough topic of conversation for me, but here goes.
For as long as I have been alive, I have wanted to stay in Texas. I loved it when I lived there, I missed it when I was gone, I love going back to visit. Texas is my state. People ask where I'm from and I tell them Texas. The fact that I live in New Mexico is a pesky little detail that I try to avoid. I am from Texas, I just live in New Mexico. My heart will forever lie with Texas.
For as long as I have been considering going to school, I've concluded that I would go in Texas. Naturally. Of course. Why anywhere else?
When a few weeks ago I had the thought, "What if I'm not supposed to go to school in Texas," I was shocked. I didn't know what to think. Not go to school in Texas? Huh? Why not? Where will I go? That's absurd! There it is again... "What if I'm not supposed to go to school in Texas?" It kept on popping up in my head, but now it was God saying, "And if I don't want you to go to Texas, what will you do?" Truthfully, I didn't know what to tell Him. I wish I could've just said, "Cool, God. Somewhere else! That sounds awesome!" But instead I found myself saying, "Not Texas, God? But that's where I'm from! That's where my family is! That's the only place I've really been! I've traveled through other states, but Texas is the only one I'm familiar with. I can't go somewhere else! I'm afraid." I tried to talk myself out of it. Maybe I'm just thinking I'm hearing God. Maybe it's just... something else. But I would hear it. Actually, it was more like feeling it. "Go..." I can't. It's too big. Too scarey. No friends, no family... I'm afraid.
Then He told me, "Read Joshua." Joshua? A book about spying out lands, conquering, pillaging, plundering... Why Joshua? What does that have to do with anything? Whatever. I opened the book up, and there it was. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." It's hard to argue with that. "Have I not commanded you?"
So here I am, looking at schools outside of Texas. The problem is that I'm not sure at all what I'm looking for. Should I look by location? Should I look by cost? Should I look by career? If I'm looking by career should I look by what sounds fun to me? Or by what is more useful in the future? Can God use a degree in art as much as He can use one in communications or business? Is it okay to study something that I don't see quite how God would use? I mean, I know that God can use odd things like theater or illustration, but it seems more likely that He would use something a little bit more... traditional. Like business.
I thought that perhaps I should search for a ministry first, and then perhaps I could find a school that would be in the area. I searched for ministries online today, but I didn't find much that stood out to me.
However it happens, the fact is that I need to leave. Not to leave would be disobedience to God, and I'm writing this now so that all of you know. Maybe posting this will help me. I don't know. I'm terrified of leaving, but I shouldn't be. Remember Anna, "Be strong and courageous... I will never leave you, nor forsake you..." Don't forget!
Wow. It just hit me how bored you must be reading this. I mean, while this is pretty much what has been consuming my thoughts lately, I can't think of how it could be interesting to you. So sorry about that! I won't bore you any longer, but please do be praying for me!
Still confused,
Anna
