Everyone who knows anything about me knows this: I want to get married. You probably know this too, because I've mentioned it in my previous posts. I want to get married and raise a family. I've always wanted to be a mom. It's just how I'm wired, I guess.
I've counted on God to have that guy out there for me, and I'm sure he does, he just hasn't sent him. I don't think he's even let me meet him.
Here's where I go wrong. I've been angry at God. Not so much right now, because God has had a few pretty rough conversations with me. I've been angry at Him because life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to. The way I planned it. But see, it's not my job to plan the way my life goes, now is it? I've been angry with Him because I have pleaded and begged Him to send this person, and he hasn't done it yet. He's done it for a lot of my friends, He's done it for my sister, and quite possibly my brother, but he hasn't done it for me. It's all about me. That's what I've been thinking. I'm so selfish.
I was having a conversation with God the other day. This may sound strange to you, and no, I don't hear an audible voice. I can't explain the way God talks to me. I guess it's sort of in my thoughts, like a conversation in my head. Or maybe it's introducing ideas. I don't know exactly how to explain it. I've had conversations with other people my age that say, "Well, I would say that I knew what God was saying sometimes, I'm just afraid it's my own thoughts I'm hearing, not His voice." In my own life, I've never doubted the voice of God in my thoughts. I don't know why. Maybe I should sometimes. Maybe it is indeed simply my flesh speaking. I don't think so on this one, though.
In this conversation I was once again complaining to God.
"Where is he, God? Why haven't you sent him? What am I doing? I'm ready, right?"
No. You're not ready.
"What?! What do you mean I'm not ready? I'm so ready! More ready than I've ever been! I'm going to be graduating high school somtime here, and I don't have anywhere to go. I don't want to be by myself. I want to start the next chapter of my life, and I want him to be there."
I don't want to lose you.
"Huh?"
You have to fall in love with me first, sweetheart. If I let you fall in love with him before you fall in love with me I'll lose you. Not your soul, just your heart, and that I want to keep for myself. I want it to belong to me before you give it away to him.
Silence.
Whoa. That was a big shock for me. I guess I think of myself as being a Super-Christian. I'm far from it. I know this when I think rationally. I've sort of always been ahead of my age group as far as spiritual things go, so I think too highly of myself. Perhaps I think I'm closer to God than they are. How lame is that? Anyway, God pretty much told me that day, "Anna, you ain't seen nothin' yet." Even though it kind of hurt, it was amazing to me.
I thought I was in love with Him before, so if that's not being in love, what is? Wow! It must be absolutely fantastic.
Just thought I would share this "wow moment", as I often call these.
Waiting patiently for my prince, while giving my heart to the King,
Anna
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Monday, April 25, 2005
What does God do with all the little daisies?
I compare. I compare a lot. In fact I think I'm one of the worst people about this that I know of. I mostly compare myself to others. Sometimes I think I'm better, sometimes I think I'm worse, but I'm almost constantly doing it.
One of the people that I compare myself to most is my sister. I think this is one of the things about me that drives my youth pastor crazy. He probably tells me at least once a month, "Anna, don't compare yourself to your sister."
Let me tell you about her. She has been a success almost from the point of birth. She has succeeded in almost everything she has attempted. She is a beautiful, smart, talented girl. When she was a little girl, she was backing state representatives into corners while lobbying with my mom. When she was 9 years old she read "Color Me Beautiful" and revamped her wardrobe according to color and clothing style to match her palatte and body type. She collected over 100 beautiful vintage hats while working as a clerk for an auction service when she was about 16. Also when she was around that age, she arranged an entire fashion show for our church's spring tea. In Toastmaster's she wrote her speech about fashion history and did all of her own illustrations. When she was 17 or 18 she was an assistant in a preschool class, and was later appointed to take over for the teacher. She has always been far more mature than the kids in her age group, and also very spiritually mature. She is a very tidy person, a wonderful cook, extremely creative minded and a hard worker. She is now in NYC attending a school to become a fashion designer. Her teachers love her. She is apparently a dream student. The only class that I hear her say she struggles in is Spanish.
Tough act to follow. I have always been more of a social butterfly than she is. People usually like me. I can't explain why, they just do. That's about the only thing that I have over her, though. Someone once told me that she was jealous of me, and I couldn't imagine why. I have nothing that I think she could possibly want. I think this person said it was the attention I get from guys. Me? Go figure? I don't think I'm attractive at all, and I'm so annoying I don't know why any of them would even want to be around me. So when this person said this, it floored me.
I have always looked up to her. I haven't always liked her, I haven't always gotten along with her, I haven't always shown respect to her, but that respect has always been there. I look at her, I look at me, and so the comparing begins. I always come out of it completely down in the dumps. I look at her life and think, "Wow, that is something that I can never be. I'll never be able to measure up." Sometimes I feel like my parents compare me. I'm sure they don't and it's all in my head, but I feel like I'm a disappointment waiting to happen. Sometimes it seems like she is their pride and joy. I sit there listening to my mom beam about how Lydia is succeeding at school, how she is the group leader in her Campus Crusades ministry, how she has this amazing man that she's going to marry... I'm so happy for her, but I wonder, "What have I done that makes my mother beam? What do I have to do? Do I have to go to college? Do I have to be an outstanding success?" Sometimes I don't feel like it's alright to be normal.
I think of myself as a little daisy sitting at the roots of my sister, the beautiful magnolia tree. Her fragrance is wafting through the air, and people say, "Isn't she wonderful? What more could someone ask for? Her parents must be so proud!" Are they proud of me? Is God? What on earth can God use daisies for? Does he pick up the little flowers who have been trampled on by people so busy looking up at the trees?
I have never been mistreated or neglected by my parents. I know that they love me and want the best for me, and I'm sure they don't expect me to become everything that she has.
I love my sister so much, and if there's one person in this world that I could be like, I'd want it to be her. I know she wouldn't want me to compare . It probably makes her feel just as bad as it made me feel when that person told me she had been jealous. So why do I do it? Even I cannot answer this question.
Daisies are good for something, right?
Anna
One of the people that I compare myself to most is my sister. I think this is one of the things about me that drives my youth pastor crazy. He probably tells me at least once a month, "Anna, don't compare yourself to your sister."
Let me tell you about her. She has been a success almost from the point of birth. She has succeeded in almost everything she has attempted. She is a beautiful, smart, talented girl. When she was a little girl, she was backing state representatives into corners while lobbying with my mom. When she was 9 years old she read "Color Me Beautiful" and revamped her wardrobe according to color and clothing style to match her palatte and body type. She collected over 100 beautiful vintage hats while working as a clerk for an auction service when she was about 16. Also when she was around that age, she arranged an entire fashion show for our church's spring tea. In Toastmaster's she wrote her speech about fashion history and did all of her own illustrations. When she was 17 or 18 she was an assistant in a preschool class, and was later appointed to take over for the teacher. She has always been far more mature than the kids in her age group, and also very spiritually mature. She is a very tidy person, a wonderful cook, extremely creative minded and a hard worker. She is now in NYC attending a school to become a fashion designer. Her teachers love her. She is apparently a dream student. The only class that I hear her say she struggles in is Spanish.
Tough act to follow. I have always been more of a social butterfly than she is. People usually like me. I can't explain why, they just do. That's about the only thing that I have over her, though. Someone once told me that she was jealous of me, and I couldn't imagine why. I have nothing that I think she could possibly want. I think this person said it was the attention I get from guys. Me? Go figure? I don't think I'm attractive at all, and I'm so annoying I don't know why any of them would even want to be around me. So when this person said this, it floored me.
I have always looked up to her. I haven't always liked her, I haven't always gotten along with her, I haven't always shown respect to her, but that respect has always been there. I look at her, I look at me, and so the comparing begins. I always come out of it completely down in the dumps. I look at her life and think, "Wow, that is something that I can never be. I'll never be able to measure up." Sometimes I feel like my parents compare me. I'm sure they don't and it's all in my head, but I feel like I'm a disappointment waiting to happen. Sometimes it seems like she is their pride and joy. I sit there listening to my mom beam about how Lydia is succeeding at school, how she is the group leader in her Campus Crusades ministry, how she has this amazing man that she's going to marry... I'm so happy for her, but I wonder, "What have I done that makes my mother beam? What do I have to do? Do I have to go to college? Do I have to be an outstanding success?" Sometimes I don't feel like it's alright to be normal.
I think of myself as a little daisy sitting at the roots of my sister, the beautiful magnolia tree. Her fragrance is wafting through the air, and people say, "Isn't she wonderful? What more could someone ask for? Her parents must be so proud!" Are they proud of me? Is God? What on earth can God use daisies for? Does he pick up the little flowers who have been trampled on by people so busy looking up at the trees?
I have never been mistreated or neglected by my parents. I know that they love me and want the best for me, and I'm sure they don't expect me to become everything that she has.
I love my sister so much, and if there's one person in this world that I could be like, I'd want it to be her. I know she wouldn't want me to compare . It probably makes her feel just as bad as it made me feel when that person told me she had been jealous. So why do I do it? Even I cannot answer this question.
Daisies are good for something, right?
Anna
Sunscreen, Softball and Sore Muscles
This post isn't about anything deep. I couldn't think of anything that I could really put into words and sound sane, so I gave up and decided to write about something pointless.
My dad recently joined the men's softball team at my church. The men's team has a problem right now, because they have 2 games tomorrow, but they haven't had any practices. You can see how this could be a rather large problem. They played a game last Monday and lost pretty bad. I felt awful for them. Some of the guys did pretty well, some of them didn't. That's kind of how it is with most teams, especially church teams. See, on church teams most of the guys (my dad included) aren't there to win at all, they're only there to have fun.
I think it's good that they want to have fun, but some of them are so incompetitive it kills me. I'm so competitive! Just ask the guys I played football with at camp last year. It doesn't even matter if I'm good at the sport. I'm really not good at football. I'm a good runner, but that's about it. Guys are so forgiving toward me, though. They still tell me I'm awesome, no matter how bad I am.
Sometimes I wish they'd tell me the truth, though. I mean, I see it all over the place, a lot in church, and even more in the homeschool community. No matter how bad a kid is at doing something, their parents tell them they are wonderful at it, so the kid continues to make a complete idiot out of themself, and they have no idea whatsoever. It's so sad.
I knew this girl that thought she could sing. Her parents told her she was a wonderful singer, her parents friends told her she was great at it, but when she got up on stage and wailed her song out you wanted to put your hands over your ears and scream, "No more! Please stop! You're killing me here!" It was all I could do to paste my eternal smile on my face and not wince. Maybe I'm just harsh, I don't know, but I do know that I wasn't the only one who thought that way. I wonder why her parents told her the things they did.
I was talking to my brother about this last week. It may sound thoughtless, but why not just tell someone, "Ya know, I love you, but singing just really isn't your strong point. Why don't you find a different hobby that you can really succeed at?" Perhaps not in those words, but something along those lines.
Not to say that I'm without fault here either, but I do try to be honest in the nicest way possible. It's like when one of your friends asks you, "Am I pretty?", but you really don't think she is. I also hate, "Do you think I'm fat?" Um... Well... What does one say? I have a friend who asks me this question all the time! I hate sounding rude or inconsiderate, but I think it's even more inconsiderate to lie to them so they won't be mad. I mean if I asked my friend if she thought I was fat, I'd want her to tell me the truth straight up. I wouldn't want her to say, "No, you're the perfect weight. Not to fat, not to skinny," while everyone else thought, "Wow, that girl could definitely stand to drop a few pounds." I usually end up telling her, "Well, I think that you would feel better and be healthier if you lost a little bit of weight." Is that harsh? I know that we are supposed to speak the truth in love. It's getting that love part across that's the difficult part.
So anyway, that was way off subject. I told my dad that I would practice with him at home. It's kind of a good thing that he signed up for this softball thing, because it gives me an excuse to get him out there exercizing. My mom is always telling me, "I want you to get your dad to exercize with you." I'm not sure why she thinks that I can do that, but I try anyway. I ask him if he wants to go out jogging with me. He never does. But see, if you say, "Hey dad, do you want to go out and practice softball?" he actually has a reason to do it, therefore he's a lot easier to convince.
So there we were, practicing softball in the pasture. I'm really sorry that I'm the only one he can practice with, because I'm the worst softball player I've ever seen. I couldn't hit the ball if you paid me a million dollars, I can't throw very well, and my catching? Well, let's just say I'm lucky that I didn't get a blackeye from where that ball nailed me on Saturday. He was spending more time trying to teach me stuff than really practicing. It was actually good, because he's a pretty good hitter, so he was trying to teach me how to hit. He ended up pitching to me most of the time. He got a lot of practice at that, because I think he pitched to me about 25 times and I only hit it about 5.
While we were outside dad decided to burn the big heap of wood and junk. We throw things that we don't need onto this pile and burn it every once in a while. We were out there for about 4 hrs, and I forgot my sunscreen!!! I have no idea how that happened! You can ask anyone who knows me, I'm almost a nazi for the cause of sunscreen. Any time we go on an event, I'm armed with multiple bottles of sunscreen. I ask everyone, "Have you put on sunscreen?" If the answer is no, I give them a whole bunch. If their answer is yes, I give them some anyway. The guys hate it. They usually end up putting it on anyway, but I guess they don't think it's very manly. Yeah, so when they don't catch a ball they blame it all on the sunscreen. *snort* Yeah right.
So today I'm really sunburned, and my muscles are killing me. I was chasing so many balls, and I didn't want to make him wait. I retrieved them as quickly as possible. One thing that I can say for myself is that I give 100% when I play sports. I'm a litte sore and sunburned today, but I'll survive!
A Crispy Critter,
Anna
My dad recently joined the men's softball team at my church. The men's team has a problem right now, because they have 2 games tomorrow, but they haven't had any practices. You can see how this could be a rather large problem. They played a game last Monday and lost pretty bad. I felt awful for them. Some of the guys did pretty well, some of them didn't. That's kind of how it is with most teams, especially church teams. See, on church teams most of the guys (my dad included) aren't there to win at all, they're only there to have fun.
I think it's good that they want to have fun, but some of them are so incompetitive it kills me. I'm so competitive! Just ask the guys I played football with at camp last year. It doesn't even matter if I'm good at the sport. I'm really not good at football. I'm a good runner, but that's about it. Guys are so forgiving toward me, though. They still tell me I'm awesome, no matter how bad I am.
Sometimes I wish they'd tell me the truth, though. I mean, I see it all over the place, a lot in church, and even more in the homeschool community. No matter how bad a kid is at doing something, their parents tell them they are wonderful at it, so the kid continues to make a complete idiot out of themself, and they have no idea whatsoever. It's so sad.
I knew this girl that thought she could sing. Her parents told her she was a wonderful singer, her parents friends told her she was great at it, but when she got up on stage and wailed her song out you wanted to put your hands over your ears and scream, "No more! Please stop! You're killing me here!" It was all I could do to paste my eternal smile on my face and not wince. Maybe I'm just harsh, I don't know, but I do know that I wasn't the only one who thought that way. I wonder why her parents told her the things they did.
I was talking to my brother about this last week. It may sound thoughtless, but why not just tell someone, "Ya know, I love you, but singing just really isn't your strong point. Why don't you find a different hobby that you can really succeed at?" Perhaps not in those words, but something along those lines.
Not to say that I'm without fault here either, but I do try to be honest in the nicest way possible. It's like when one of your friends asks you, "Am I pretty?", but you really don't think she is. I also hate, "Do you think I'm fat?" Um... Well... What does one say? I have a friend who asks me this question all the time! I hate sounding rude or inconsiderate, but I think it's even more inconsiderate to lie to them so they won't be mad. I mean if I asked my friend if she thought I was fat, I'd want her to tell me the truth straight up. I wouldn't want her to say, "No, you're the perfect weight. Not to fat, not to skinny," while everyone else thought, "Wow, that girl could definitely stand to drop a few pounds." I usually end up telling her, "Well, I think that you would feel better and be healthier if you lost a little bit of weight." Is that harsh? I know that we are supposed to speak the truth in love. It's getting that love part across that's the difficult part.
So anyway, that was way off subject. I told my dad that I would practice with him at home. It's kind of a good thing that he signed up for this softball thing, because it gives me an excuse to get him out there exercizing. My mom is always telling me, "I want you to get your dad to exercize with you." I'm not sure why she thinks that I can do that, but I try anyway. I ask him if he wants to go out jogging with me. He never does. But see, if you say, "Hey dad, do you want to go out and practice softball?" he actually has a reason to do it, therefore he's a lot easier to convince.
So there we were, practicing softball in the pasture. I'm really sorry that I'm the only one he can practice with, because I'm the worst softball player I've ever seen. I couldn't hit the ball if you paid me a million dollars, I can't throw very well, and my catching? Well, let's just say I'm lucky that I didn't get a blackeye from where that ball nailed me on Saturday. He was spending more time trying to teach me stuff than really practicing. It was actually good, because he's a pretty good hitter, so he was trying to teach me how to hit. He ended up pitching to me most of the time. He got a lot of practice at that, because I think he pitched to me about 25 times and I only hit it about 5.
While we were outside dad decided to burn the big heap of wood and junk. We throw things that we don't need onto this pile and burn it every once in a while. We were out there for about 4 hrs, and I forgot my sunscreen!!! I have no idea how that happened! You can ask anyone who knows me, I'm almost a nazi for the cause of sunscreen. Any time we go on an event, I'm armed with multiple bottles of sunscreen. I ask everyone, "Have you put on sunscreen?" If the answer is no, I give them a whole bunch. If their answer is yes, I give them some anyway. The guys hate it. They usually end up putting it on anyway, but I guess they don't think it's very manly. Yeah, so when they don't catch a ball they blame it all on the sunscreen. *snort* Yeah right.
So today I'm really sunburned, and my muscles are killing me. I was chasing so many balls, and I didn't want to make him wait. I retrieved them as quickly as possible. One thing that I can say for myself is that I give 100% when I play sports. I'm a litte sore and sunburned today, but I'll survive!
A Crispy Critter,
Anna
Monday, April 18, 2005
The Battle of Purity 2
One thing that I failed to mention in my other post, and it may be slightly off subject is this.
What do I do to help these girls that do end up with babies? I know that their behavior is wrong, and I don't want to condone it, but I think that they are punished so much as it is. Most times her fellow church goers (and sometimes her parents) despise her and won't have anything to do with her. They lift their heads high and step over the broken life in their pathway. They give her the cold shoulder just when she needs the most love and support. They drive her to abortion, and then they condemn her for that too. Then we wonder why these girls turn to other sources for support. Other men, drugs etc. Oh, how God's heart must shatter!
I guess I want to be that person that says, "Yeah, you did mess up, and hopefully you'll know better next time, but I want to help you get this mess cleaned up. Let's get up and move on. We'll figure out what to do next."
Some would think that this is the wrong approach. They would say that I'm being permissive and encouraging toward sin. There are others who would say, "Oh, that is a great attitude! Bravo! That is how all of us should respond." But when the time comes for them to actually display this attitude, they don't. They're nowhere to be found. Why is that? Because they're afraid? Because they're legalistic? Because they don't want to get their hands dirty?
I'm legalistic a lot of times too. It's something that I constantly struggle with. I fight the majority of myself that says that I shouldn't accept this person, I shouldn't associate with this group, I should talk to so-and-so about hanging out with what's-his-name.
So when the time comes for me to step up and make a difference to these girls, what will I do? Will I actually be good to my word? Will I shy away from the hurt that surrounds them, or will I dive in to help them out?
I can't answer these questions, only pray that God gives me the grace to handle every situation appropriately.
I watched Law and Order last night, and there was a comment made by the criminal that made me think. He said, "I think it is impossible for a person to really know themself." Makes me wonder. I know that I don't know myself all that well, because I'm constantly doing things that shock me.
Anyway, I should go and pack up yarn for my trip to Roswell tomorrow. Joy.
Thinking away...
Anna
What do I do to help these girls that do end up with babies? I know that their behavior is wrong, and I don't want to condone it, but I think that they are punished so much as it is. Most times her fellow church goers (and sometimes her parents) despise her and won't have anything to do with her. They lift their heads high and step over the broken life in their pathway. They give her the cold shoulder just when she needs the most love and support. They drive her to abortion, and then they condemn her for that too. Then we wonder why these girls turn to other sources for support. Other men, drugs etc. Oh, how God's heart must shatter!
I guess I want to be that person that says, "Yeah, you did mess up, and hopefully you'll know better next time, but I want to help you get this mess cleaned up. Let's get up and move on. We'll figure out what to do next."
Some would think that this is the wrong approach. They would say that I'm being permissive and encouraging toward sin. There are others who would say, "Oh, that is a great attitude! Bravo! That is how all of us should respond." But when the time comes for them to actually display this attitude, they don't. They're nowhere to be found. Why is that? Because they're afraid? Because they're legalistic? Because they don't want to get their hands dirty?
I'm legalistic a lot of times too. It's something that I constantly struggle with. I fight the majority of myself that says that I shouldn't accept this person, I shouldn't associate with this group, I should talk to so-and-so about hanging out with what's-his-name.
So when the time comes for me to step up and make a difference to these girls, what will I do? Will I actually be good to my word? Will I shy away from the hurt that surrounds them, or will I dive in to help them out?
I can't answer these questions, only pray that God gives me the grace to handle every situation appropriately.
I watched Law and Order last night, and there was a comment made by the criminal that made me think. He said, "I think it is impossible for a person to really know themself." Makes me wonder. I know that I don't know myself all that well, because I'm constantly doing things that shock me.
Anyway, I should go and pack up yarn for my trip to Roswell tomorrow. Joy.
Thinking away...
Anna
The Battle of Purity
Have you ever felt like you were alone? I'm sure you have, but I mean morally speaking.
As I've been growing up, there were plenty of girls who said almost the same things I do. That they would abstain from sex until marriage. "Yeah, sure, absolutely! I'm a nice Christian girl, that's what Jesus wants me to do. Besides, my boyfriend would never ask me to have sex, and if he did, I would break up with him."
That's what they all said, and I believed them. I trusted that they were going to carry out that commitment. I thought they were in earnest, and perhaps they were.
Then we all got older. Some of them actually faced those situations we talked about, but they didn't respond the way they thought they would. They gave in. They crossed that line that they made for themselves. First a little, then a little more, then a little more... finally, they end up pregnant.
I saw it just yesterday. A girl that I knew a while back walked into the salon right next door to my store, and she was obviously pregnant. It broke me heart. She's not the only one, I have lots of friends who broke their resolution. I know a guy that got his girlfriend pregnant. His sister also got married because she was carrying another man's child. Another guy I know jeoperdized his relationship with his family for a girl he was sleeping with. A couple of weeks ago, I caught a friend of mine kissing a complete stranger.
These are all people I know from way back. Kids I played with, kids in my Sunday school, kids I went on mission trips with. Some of them were the children of church staff members, not that that makes a difference.
I think about this and I wonder, is it just my generation. Are we all just bad kids? Worse than our parents? What on earth is wrong with us? But no, it's not just my generation. I've been discovering this. Friends of mine who are older women, both inside the church and out have been telling me that they "had to get married."
Doesn't anyone wait? Am I the only one doing this? Not to say that I'm perfect. I'm far from that. I've done my fair share of detestable things, and I don't expect them to be perfect either. I know that it's human and that everyone makes mistakes. I do want to help people. I don't want to judge them, or push them away just because they have a different problem than I do. Perhaps I don't have this problem because I've never been faced with the situation before.
A few years ago, I don't know what I would have done if a guy asked it of me. I honestly don't. This is a good reason for the "No Dating Till 16" rule. I guess I still don't know what I would do. I've known strong Christians who have fallen, so I'm not going to be so cocky as to say I'm sure of myself, but I honestly think that I have a better chance of passing that test now than I ever have before. I don't think I would give in. I pray that God gives me strength if I ever have to encounter that.
Anna
As I've been growing up, there were plenty of girls who said almost the same things I do. That they would abstain from sex until marriage. "Yeah, sure, absolutely! I'm a nice Christian girl, that's what Jesus wants me to do. Besides, my boyfriend would never ask me to have sex, and if he did, I would break up with him."
That's what they all said, and I believed them. I trusted that they were going to carry out that commitment. I thought they were in earnest, and perhaps they were.
Then we all got older. Some of them actually faced those situations we talked about, but they didn't respond the way they thought they would. They gave in. They crossed that line that they made for themselves. First a little, then a little more, then a little more... finally, they end up pregnant.
I saw it just yesterday. A girl that I knew a while back walked into the salon right next door to my store, and she was obviously pregnant. It broke me heart. She's not the only one, I have lots of friends who broke their resolution. I know a guy that got his girlfriend pregnant. His sister also got married because she was carrying another man's child. Another guy I know jeoperdized his relationship with his family for a girl he was sleeping with. A couple of weeks ago, I caught a friend of mine kissing a complete stranger.
These are all people I know from way back. Kids I played with, kids in my Sunday school, kids I went on mission trips with. Some of them were the children of church staff members, not that that makes a difference.
I think about this and I wonder, is it just my generation. Are we all just bad kids? Worse than our parents? What on earth is wrong with us? But no, it's not just my generation. I've been discovering this. Friends of mine who are older women, both inside the church and out have been telling me that they "had to get married."
Doesn't anyone wait? Am I the only one doing this? Not to say that I'm perfect. I'm far from that. I've done my fair share of detestable things, and I don't expect them to be perfect either. I know that it's human and that everyone makes mistakes. I do want to help people. I don't want to judge them, or push them away just because they have a different problem than I do. Perhaps I don't have this problem because I've never been faced with the situation before.
A few years ago, I don't know what I would have done if a guy asked it of me. I honestly don't. This is a good reason for the "No Dating Till 16" rule. I guess I still don't know what I would do. I've known strong Christians who have fallen, so I'm not going to be so cocky as to say I'm sure of myself, but I honestly think that I have a better chance of passing that test now than I ever have before. I don't think I would give in. I pray that God gives me strength if I ever have to encounter that.
Anna
Friday, April 15, 2005
The Toss & Turn
Sounds almost like a dance, huh? Twist & Shout. Right. Well, I wish it were as much fun. I was doing this the other night instead of sleeping. I was awake until well past midight, tossing and turning, thinking about my future. Let me explain my past first.
My one lifetime dream has been to get married. It is all I want in this world, really. I've told God multiple times, "I don't want to be selfish, but if you never give me anything else that benifits me, please give me this. It is the one thing that I ask for myself." And see, I've really counted on God to give this to me. I still do, although it begins to fade.
My mom was married by the time she was 18, and I thought that the same thing would happen to me. Well, I'm 17 and I'm not even dating anyone, so I don't think the 18 thing is going to work out. The problem is that I almost built my entire life, my entire way of thinking around the thought that I would be married. Hmmm. See the problem? Yeah. It's a big one.
I'm having to face the fact that I don't have anywhere to go. I'm not going to college, because my education is severely lacking, in my opinion. Not to mention that I've never been able to do any testing of any kind around people. I can know the material inside and out, and I'll still get like, a 70 on it. Not cool. This morning my brother reminded me of this fact. (Thank you, Nathan!)
So... As my youth pastor reminded me on Wednesday, people who go to college make 90% more money than people who only have a high school diploma. Or was it 90% of the people who graduate from college make more money than people who only graduated high school? Either way, it's not a good situation.
So I was tossing and turning, thinking about what I'm going to do. Will I ever move out from my parent's house? If I do, where will I go? My grandparents? Will I always be dependant on those around me? Because if I'm not, I have to find an apartment, so I'll have rent, electricity, water, heat, internet (if I even have it), and so on. I know approximately how much these bills are, because I have paid them for my mom for about 2-3 years. So I'm doing this math in my head, "If I work 2 part-time jobs, I'll make this much money, so will that be enough to cover all of these things each month? Or maybe a full time and a part-time?"
I told my youth pastor on Wednesday that I would be happy just getting by. I don't need to have a nice car, I don't need to have a nice house, I don't even need the internet, now that I think about it. And I stand by that now. I really don't need much, but I'm wondering if I'll even be able to have the things I need.
All these things were running through my head 100 mph. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Believe me, I tried. It was positively miserable. I prayed and prayed, but have you ever prayed and had 0 response from God? It was like that. I absolutely hate not being able to figure out what God is saying and doing. I guess I just want to be in control. Maybe I just wish I could work from the end back. You know how you work mazes backward? It's a lot easier that way.
So here I am thinking about all this stuff, and I look at the clock and it's like, 12:15. That just made me even more worried, because then I thought, "I'm not going to be able to wake up in time for work tomorrow, so I'm going to get in trouble..." What a vicious cycle! It was so frustrating! I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I have to go because my mom needs me to pay bills. Lovely! I can't get away from this stuff!
Going nutz,
Anna
My one lifetime dream has been to get married. It is all I want in this world, really. I've told God multiple times, "I don't want to be selfish, but if you never give me anything else that benifits me, please give me this. It is the one thing that I ask for myself." And see, I've really counted on God to give this to me. I still do, although it begins to fade.
My mom was married by the time she was 18, and I thought that the same thing would happen to me. Well, I'm 17 and I'm not even dating anyone, so I don't think the 18 thing is going to work out. The problem is that I almost built my entire life, my entire way of thinking around the thought that I would be married. Hmmm. See the problem? Yeah. It's a big one.
I'm having to face the fact that I don't have anywhere to go. I'm not going to college, because my education is severely lacking, in my opinion. Not to mention that I've never been able to do any testing of any kind around people. I can know the material inside and out, and I'll still get like, a 70 on it. Not cool. This morning my brother reminded me of this fact. (Thank you, Nathan!)
So... As my youth pastor reminded me on Wednesday, people who go to college make 90% more money than people who only have a high school diploma. Or was it 90% of the people who graduate from college make more money than people who only graduated high school? Either way, it's not a good situation.
So I was tossing and turning, thinking about what I'm going to do. Will I ever move out from my parent's house? If I do, where will I go? My grandparents? Will I always be dependant on those around me? Because if I'm not, I have to find an apartment, so I'll have rent, electricity, water, heat, internet (if I even have it), and so on. I know approximately how much these bills are, because I have paid them for my mom for about 2-3 years. So I'm doing this math in my head, "If I work 2 part-time jobs, I'll make this much money, so will that be enough to cover all of these things each month? Or maybe a full time and a part-time?"
I told my youth pastor on Wednesday that I would be happy just getting by. I don't need to have a nice car, I don't need to have a nice house, I don't even need the internet, now that I think about it. And I stand by that now. I really don't need much, but I'm wondering if I'll even be able to have the things I need.
All these things were running through my head 100 mph. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Believe me, I tried. It was positively miserable. I prayed and prayed, but have you ever prayed and had 0 response from God? It was like that. I absolutely hate not being able to figure out what God is saying and doing. I guess I just want to be in control. Maybe I just wish I could work from the end back. You know how you work mazes backward? It's a lot easier that way.
So here I am thinking about all this stuff, and I look at the clock and it's like, 12:15. That just made me even more worried, because then I thought, "I'm not going to be able to wake up in time for work tomorrow, so I'm going to get in trouble..." What a vicious cycle! It was so frustrating! I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I have to go because my mom needs me to pay bills. Lovely! I can't get away from this stuff!
Going nutz,
Anna
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
It works, it works!
I tried to make a blog on a previous occasion, and it didn't work for me. It did this time. Don't know what changed, but something did.
Well, seeing as this is my first post, I'll introduce myself.
I kiss toads. Yeah, the big slimy ones with warts. They are so cute! How can anyone resist? I don't know. This fact has made me famous (or perhaps notorious) in my youth group. Well, this and the fact that I feed small animals to my dog. There is a perfectly logical reason for that! They were going to die anyway. Might as well feed another critter, right? I think this way because I grew up on a small farm. I tend to think more about the practical aspect than the sympathetic, sometimes.
I work for my mom in a small knitting store here in my town. Over all it's not too bad, but one does get tired of being around one's mother after a few days. Well, I'm around my parents 24/7. I'm homeschooled and I work for my mom so...
Yes, I am as annoying in real life as I sound on this blog. I do so wish I could change my personality sometimes. I think if I could control my mouth a little better it would help. See, I talk without thinking about what I'm saying, somtimes. I don't say mean things, just stupid ones. Things that make no sense whatsoever. I just ramble on and on without saying much at all. Very much like this paragraph, in fact! And then when I catch myself, I stop midsentence and look around the room at everyone smiling and laughing at me. *sigh* Oh well. I guess that's why everyone loves me. (not)
My very best friends here are my youth pastor and his wife. They have been there for me so many times. I don't know what I would do without them. I try super hard to make it up to them, but I haven't been able to do so yet. Maybe I'll baby sit for them in the future. They recently celebrated the birth of their second son, Dylan. He's so beautiful! I adore his older brother, as well. *wink, wink!* (he's only 3)
This is all I have time to write. We'll see if this even stays posted. I'm looking forward to writing my thoughts, anyhow. I'll probably write about once a week, and I won't be able to write about something serious until Monday. Ah well, such is life.
Anna
Well, seeing as this is my first post, I'll introduce myself.
I kiss toads. Yeah, the big slimy ones with warts. They are so cute! How can anyone resist? I don't know. This fact has made me famous (or perhaps notorious) in my youth group. Well, this and the fact that I feed small animals to my dog. There is a perfectly logical reason for that! They were going to die anyway. Might as well feed another critter, right? I think this way because I grew up on a small farm. I tend to think more about the practical aspect than the sympathetic, sometimes.
I work for my mom in a small knitting store here in my town. Over all it's not too bad, but one does get tired of being around one's mother after a few days. Well, I'm around my parents 24/7. I'm homeschooled and I work for my mom so...
Yes, I am as annoying in real life as I sound on this blog. I do so wish I could change my personality sometimes. I think if I could control my mouth a little better it would help. See, I talk without thinking about what I'm saying, somtimes. I don't say mean things, just stupid ones. Things that make no sense whatsoever. I just ramble on and on without saying much at all. Very much like this paragraph, in fact! And then when I catch myself, I stop midsentence and look around the room at everyone smiling and laughing at me. *sigh* Oh well. I guess that's why everyone loves me. (not)
My very best friends here are my youth pastor and his wife. They have been there for me so many times. I don't know what I would do without them. I try super hard to make it up to them, but I haven't been able to do so yet. Maybe I'll baby sit for them in the future. They recently celebrated the birth of their second son, Dylan. He's so beautiful! I adore his older brother, as well. *wink, wink!* (he's only 3)
This is all I have time to write. We'll see if this even stays posted. I'm looking forward to writing my thoughts, anyhow. I'll probably write about once a week, and I won't be able to write about something serious until Monday. Ah well, such is life.
Anna
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