Okay, I thought the morning shift was a little screwed up, and maybe they are, but the evening shift is roughly 72 times worse.
When I went into work yesterday I was the first person on the evening shift to arrive. Ashley came in right after I did. She probably has the most consistantly raunchy mouth I've ever seen. I don't think she likes me very much. I'm not sure what I did to tick her off, but I certainly did something! She cussed me out a couple of times.
J.J. came in next. The two of them got together and started talking about the rumor going around. There's a possiblity that we'll be tested for drugs. I'd be safe, but apparently they wouldn't. They were saying, "The management wouldn't be that stupid. They'd lose most of the evening and graveyard shifts." Hmmm...
They talked constantly about getting wasted this weekend. One of them called the manager a rather foul name because he hadn't let her come to work drunk. ? Go figure.
I've never had so many guys asking for my name and number. It was always, "Hey Anna, how old are you? You're only 17?! Okay, I'll tell him... He wants to know if you have a boyfriend." Just tell him I'm not interested, okay? Thanx. It was just kind of a hard night. Maybe it'll be a little easier tonight, now that I know what to expect.
I think that the hardest part was the fact that they don't think of us as being a team. It's every man out for himself. Dog eat dog. If I see that someone is too busy to clean a table in their section, I clean it. I don't steal their tips, I just clean it. Ashley was shocked at me. She said, "You belong on the day shift. You won't fit in on the night shift." Boy was she right! But it was never my job to fit in, was it? I'm just supposed to do the best I can, whatever shift I'm on, with all the people I'm with.
Poor Ashley doesn't understand that. Maybe that's why she hates me. She doesn't understand why I do what I do. She said, "You're going to get tired of doing everyone elses work. Someday you'll learn to do yours and no one elses." I doubt it. She actually told me not to clean her tables. Ever. The funny thing is that she'll let me clean her floors, just not her tables. My guess is that it's because her tables might have money on them. She doesn't trust me. Maybe one day she will.
I'm praying roughly 72 times harder that God will be with me at work, that the language won't rub off on my thoughts and speech, that I'll stay strong, and that I'll be a beacon of light in a dark place.
Anna
Friday, May 27, 2005
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Working in the World
I just started a new job. I'm working as a server at IHOP. So far it's been pretty good, but it is the first time I've worked in an environment that wasn't Christian. Yeah, I know. I'm SUPER sheltered. I'm not really shocked by the things I see at work, they just make me really sad. I'll tell you about some of my co-workers.
Leo
Leo was my trainer. I don't like this guy. He just sort of gives me the creeps. I mean, I think he's a complete pervert. He's really obnoxious, and he insults everyone. See, he thinks that everyone knows that he's joking, but it really grates after a few... minutes. Those are the bad things about Leo. The good thing about him is that he is really great with customers. They all like him, and he gets really good tips. I hear that I'm lucky to learn from him. I'll be okay, I'll just pray he doesn't ever touch me. Eww.
David
This guy is one of the nicest guys I work with. He is ever available to answer my many questions, and even though he looks a little scarey, he's a complete gentleman. I was rolling silverware with him yesterday, and I realized what a sad guy he is. He came here from Portland, Oregon, but I'm not sure when. He said that he worked as a bartender there. He just sat there in the booth, talking to me as he rolled silverware. "It payed really well, but it was a hard job. You have to watch all of these people come in sober and leave drunk. The worst part about it was the fact that I knew I was responsible for getting them that way. I was selling them the alcohol." I felt so bad for him. I didn't know what to say. I mean, it wasn't really his fault that people were getting wasted, but I didn't know how to tell him that. I tried, but he didn't really listen.
Christine
Geez, this girl is something else. She smokes. A lot of the people there smoke, but she is pregnant and smokes. You just want to shake her and say, "Don't you want a healthy baby? What are you thinking?!" She is so proud of her boyfriend because he is in Florida right now, visiting the other girl he got pregnant. She thinks he's just the most wonderful guy for being responsible. Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing that he wants to take care of that kid, but I don't think that he's such a nice guy as she thinks he is. When she was telling us all about this, everyone was pretty much telling her to shut up. She turned to me and said, "They just don't understand! You'll understand, right?" Then she told me the whole story. Hmm. What does one say? Dump him? He's a sorry loser? Why don't you see that all this creep wants from you is sex? Again, I didn't know what to say. David shook his head and said, "I'm so glad I don't have that kind of drama going on in my life. I've worked really hard at it."
Hester
This is an older black lady. I haven't gotten a chance to talk with her much, but I do know that she's really superstitious. Everyone down there is, but I think she's the worst. I was sweeping the floor yesterday, and as soon as she realized that the broom was within 1 yard of her foot, she jumped out of the way and said, "Honey, don't you sweep my feet!" I just kind of stared blankly at her. Having your feet swept apparently has something to do with marriage. I'm not quite sure what, but it supposedly hexes it somehow. Someone swept my feet the other day and looked up at me like they'd just plunged a knife through my heart. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to sweep your feet. I'm so sorry." Psh! You could sweep my feet all day. I really don't give a care! One of the girls said, "I didn't believe it until it happened to me." Um... Okay.
That's all I really have time for right now. I'm starting a new shift today, so we'll see what kind of people I meet tonight. I'm praying so hard that I can make a difference to all those sad people. I wish I could tell you about them all. They all seem really hopeless. I mean, they look like they're trying to be happy, but it's sort of insincere.
That's all for now,
Anna
Leo
Leo was my trainer. I don't like this guy. He just sort of gives me the creeps. I mean, I think he's a complete pervert. He's really obnoxious, and he insults everyone. See, he thinks that everyone knows that he's joking, but it really grates after a few... minutes. Those are the bad things about Leo. The good thing about him is that he is really great with customers. They all like him, and he gets really good tips. I hear that I'm lucky to learn from him. I'll be okay, I'll just pray he doesn't ever touch me. Eww.
David
This guy is one of the nicest guys I work with. He is ever available to answer my many questions, and even though he looks a little scarey, he's a complete gentleman. I was rolling silverware with him yesterday, and I realized what a sad guy he is. He came here from Portland, Oregon, but I'm not sure when. He said that he worked as a bartender there. He just sat there in the booth, talking to me as he rolled silverware. "It payed really well, but it was a hard job. You have to watch all of these people come in sober and leave drunk. The worst part about it was the fact that I knew I was responsible for getting them that way. I was selling them the alcohol." I felt so bad for him. I didn't know what to say. I mean, it wasn't really his fault that people were getting wasted, but I didn't know how to tell him that. I tried, but he didn't really listen.
Christine
Geez, this girl is something else. She smokes. A lot of the people there smoke, but she is pregnant and smokes. You just want to shake her and say, "Don't you want a healthy baby? What are you thinking?!" She is so proud of her boyfriend because he is in Florida right now, visiting the other girl he got pregnant. She thinks he's just the most wonderful guy for being responsible. Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing that he wants to take care of that kid, but I don't think that he's such a nice guy as she thinks he is. When she was telling us all about this, everyone was pretty much telling her to shut up. She turned to me and said, "They just don't understand! You'll understand, right?" Then she told me the whole story. Hmm. What does one say? Dump him? He's a sorry loser? Why don't you see that all this creep wants from you is sex? Again, I didn't know what to say. David shook his head and said, "I'm so glad I don't have that kind of drama going on in my life. I've worked really hard at it."
Hester
This is an older black lady. I haven't gotten a chance to talk with her much, but I do know that she's really superstitious. Everyone down there is, but I think she's the worst. I was sweeping the floor yesterday, and as soon as she realized that the broom was within 1 yard of her foot, she jumped out of the way and said, "Honey, don't you sweep my feet!" I just kind of stared blankly at her. Having your feet swept apparently has something to do with marriage. I'm not quite sure what, but it supposedly hexes it somehow. Someone swept my feet the other day and looked up at me like they'd just plunged a knife through my heart. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to sweep your feet. I'm so sorry." Psh! You could sweep my feet all day. I really don't give a care! One of the girls said, "I didn't believe it until it happened to me." Um... Okay.
That's all I really have time for right now. I'm starting a new shift today, so we'll see what kind of people I meet tonight. I'm praying so hard that I can make a difference to all those sad people. I wish I could tell you about them all. They all seem really hopeless. I mean, they look like they're trying to be happy, but it's sort of insincere.
That's all for now,
Anna
Monday, May 23, 2005
Busy, busy, busy!!!
I'm so sorry that I haven't written more for the past week! I just started a new job today, so my routine is thrown WAY off track! As soon as I get back in my groove I promise to make a new post!
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger in a windstorm,
Anna
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger in a windstorm,
Anna
Monday, May 16, 2005
Idiots shouldn't be allowed to drive!
Yes, I know, that statement was a bit harsh, but it's true.
I will tell you why I am speaking so passionately about it right now.
I live on a back road. Well, it's kind of a back road, but not really. It's a highway, but it's about a mile outside the city limits, so of course it's neglected. Our road hasn't been repaved since we moved here about 10 years ago. New Mexico uses really crappy asphalt to pave their roads, so it should have been re-paved a long time ago, but it never has.
Our road has gotten narrower and narrower, (is it narrower and narrower, or more and more narrow? Either way, our road is to stinkin' narrow!) but instead of tearing it up and repaving it, they just paint new lines on it. If you're lucky, they'll send some road dudes out to patch up the pot-holes the size of Rhode Island. It's very nice when they do that! Thanks, road guys!
Okay, so after ten years of painting skinnier and skinnier lanes on our road, they finally did away with passing zones. Not only did they make our road a no passing zone, but they put this sign right in our front yard, so now we have to mow around the stupid thing. Geez, couldn't they put it somewhere else?
It is a good thing though, because it's no longer safe to pass on our road. I mean, if a semi passed you, you would be blown off the road. It's hard enough to pass them when they are going the opposite direction. If you accidentally go off the road a little bit, you'll probably flip your car, because there is at least a three inch drop off on the sides of the road.
Okay, having explained the road situation, I'll tell you what happened. I was driving to work this morning, and I looked both ways and pulled out of my driveway as usual. There were no cars in sight in either direction. So here I am, minding my own business (probably singing), when I look in my rear view mirror and see this car going really fast.
I wasn't quite up to 55 yet, because I hadn't been on the road very long. I sped up faster so that I would be a nuisance to this guy, but even when I'm speeding, this guy is gaining really fast. I was thinking, "What? What is this guy doing? It's probably some reckless kid." Well, the dude passes me, and no, it wasn't a kid. In fact, it was some old geezer in a cowboy hat. He passes me like I'm standing still. A little ways up the road, someone else pulled out, another person singing and going to work, no doubt. I watched, and sure enough, the guy passed him to.
At this point, I was giving the guy the benefit of the doubt. I thought, "Well, maybe he is just used to passing on this road. Maybe he forgot that we can't pass." Well, once we got onto a bigger road (one with a turning lane down the center) I was still watching this guy. The jerk passed someone in the TURNING LANE!!!
Man! There is nothing that gets on my nerves like idiots who pass in the turning lane. I honk at them. They are probably the only people I honk at.
Okay, so I'm thinking, "I wonder where this jerk is going in such an all-fire hurry?" You won't believe where he turned off. WAL-MART!!! He passed three people in no passing zones to go to the stupid Wal-Mart! AAAAUUUUGGGHH!!! I was frustrated, to say the least.
It happened to me a few weeks ago as well. I was on my way home one night, and in between Clovis and Portales had seen about 4 or 5 cops. I think it was Mother's Day, so the cops were out big time. I was not even going to use the 5 mph rule, I was going the speed limit. Well, this guy passed me in the turning lane that night too.
So, here's a few pointers to the idiots out there. DO NOT DRIVE!!! In fact, don't even get into a moving vehicle. Spare us all the frustration, and cut up your driver's license. Don't renew it. And if you absolutely have to drive, DON'T PASS ME IN THE TURNING LANE! I don't drive that slow. You can wait for a few minutes and then go back to your 90mph, or whatever speed you're going. I hope you get a ticket!
Okay, I'm good now.
Anna
I will tell you why I am speaking so passionately about it right now.
I live on a back road. Well, it's kind of a back road, but not really. It's a highway, but it's about a mile outside the city limits, so of course it's neglected. Our road hasn't been repaved since we moved here about 10 years ago. New Mexico uses really crappy asphalt to pave their roads, so it should have been re-paved a long time ago, but it never has.
Our road has gotten narrower and narrower, (is it narrower and narrower, or more and more narrow? Either way, our road is to stinkin' narrow!) but instead of tearing it up and repaving it, they just paint new lines on it. If you're lucky, they'll send some road dudes out to patch up the pot-holes the size of Rhode Island. It's very nice when they do that! Thanks, road guys!
Okay, so after ten years of painting skinnier and skinnier lanes on our road, they finally did away with passing zones. Not only did they make our road a no passing zone, but they put this sign right in our front yard, so now we have to mow around the stupid thing. Geez, couldn't they put it somewhere else?
It is a good thing though, because it's no longer safe to pass on our road. I mean, if a semi passed you, you would be blown off the road. It's hard enough to pass them when they are going the opposite direction. If you accidentally go off the road a little bit, you'll probably flip your car, because there is at least a three inch drop off on the sides of the road.
Okay, having explained the road situation, I'll tell you what happened. I was driving to work this morning, and I looked both ways and pulled out of my driveway as usual. There were no cars in sight in either direction. So here I am, minding my own business (probably singing), when I look in my rear view mirror and see this car going really fast.
I wasn't quite up to 55 yet, because I hadn't been on the road very long. I sped up faster so that I would be a nuisance to this guy, but even when I'm speeding, this guy is gaining really fast. I was thinking, "What? What is this guy doing? It's probably some reckless kid." Well, the dude passes me, and no, it wasn't a kid. In fact, it was some old geezer in a cowboy hat. He passes me like I'm standing still. A little ways up the road, someone else pulled out, another person singing and going to work, no doubt. I watched, and sure enough, the guy passed him to.
At this point, I was giving the guy the benefit of the doubt. I thought, "Well, maybe he is just used to passing on this road. Maybe he forgot that we can't pass." Well, once we got onto a bigger road (one with a turning lane down the center) I was still watching this guy. The jerk passed someone in the TURNING LANE!!!
Man! There is nothing that gets on my nerves like idiots who pass in the turning lane. I honk at them. They are probably the only people I honk at.
Okay, so I'm thinking, "I wonder where this jerk is going in such an all-fire hurry?" You won't believe where he turned off. WAL-MART!!! He passed three people in no passing zones to go to the stupid Wal-Mart! AAAAUUUUGGGHH!!! I was frustrated, to say the least.
It happened to me a few weeks ago as well. I was on my way home one night, and in between Clovis and Portales had seen about 4 or 5 cops. I think it was Mother's Day, so the cops were out big time. I was not even going to use the 5 mph rule, I was going the speed limit. Well, this guy passed me in the turning lane that night too.
So, here's a few pointers to the idiots out there. DO NOT DRIVE!!! In fact, don't even get into a moving vehicle. Spare us all the frustration, and cut up your driver's license. Don't renew it. And if you absolutely have to drive, DON'T PASS ME IN THE TURNING LANE! I don't drive that slow. You can wait for a few minutes and then go back to your 90mph, or whatever speed you're going. I hope you get a ticket!
Okay, I'm good now.
Anna
Faith Like a Child
Every year I work in a Bible club called 'Awana'. Awana is an acronym for "Approved Workman Are Not Ashamed". The theme verse for the club is 2 Timothy 2:15, "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." I work with the Kinder-2nd grades, the Sparkies. Most of you who read this probably already knew this about me.
Well, every year we take the kids who have worked hard and finished their books to Wonderland Park. This is my third year to have the privelige of going on the trip. The other years, the leaders kind of sent my brother and I off on our own. We had lots of leaders, so we weren't really needed all that much. Well, this year we didn't have quite so many leaders.
There is this girl who asked me a few days before we went, "Can I stay with you while we are in the park this year?" This girl is like, my biggest fan at church. She loves to hang out with me. She thinks I'm the greatest, but I'm not sure why. Anyhow, I told her that she could hang out with me in the park. Well, she wasn't the only one who wanted to be in my group. When we all gathered round to decide who would be in what group with which leader, every girl except for one said, "I want to be in Anna's group!" Okay, this means that out of the 11 kids that came on the trip, 7 of them were in my group. Yikes.
I felt like a mother hen. I was constantly counting kids, looking around to make sure they were all there, putting out little fires in between them, trying to arrange who was going on what ride when... I felt like I was the mom of 7 kids! Not fun! Parenthood is going to be so hard!
Even though it's really hard to be in charge of so many, it was definitely a compliment. See, in my experience with communication with children, they're pretty honest. Brutally honest at times. They tell you what they think. I've seen kids tell adults that they are fat. They say it just like that. "You're fat!" The adults are usually, shocked, embarrased, and anxious to get out of there. When I was younger I told my grandma, "You look like you're dead when you don't wear your make-up. I think if you drove down the road, the oncoming cars would be scared because you look kind of like a zombie." Ouch! I can't believe I said that!
Kids haven't learned to watch what they say all the time. If they want to say something, they say it. If they don't want to say something, they don't say it. This is why a compliment from a child is so special to me. When they come and tell me I look nice, I beam. When they tell me that my group is their favorite to be in, it thrills my soul. When they want attention from me in particular, it positively makes my week. I keep every single picture or little gift they give to me. They go on my wall, above my mirror. Their hugs and kisses are priceless.
I love all of these things, because they all come out of sincere hearts. Adults say things because they "have to". If they don't tell you that you look nice, you'll be offended. If they don't tell you you did fine at a particular task, you'll get your feelers hurt. Sometimes we sacrifice honesty for public opinion. Kids don't.
One time I was in Kentucky, visiting my brother. He was in boot camp for the Army, and we went up there for Family Day. We went and visited a church there, and as we were leaving, this little girl looked up at me and gasped, "Mommy, that girl is so pretty." That comment meant more to me than that little girl will ever know.
When I was younger I would read Mark 10:14-16. This is what it says.
When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.
I would read this passage and wonder, "Why? Why did Jesus say this about kids? Why did he love kids so much?" Now that I'm a little older, I think I understand why. When kids do things, they don't hold back. If a child trusts someone, they trust them with everything they've got. There's something so genuine about children. Their minds are simple, uncomplicated by rough friendships, disappointing relationships, doubt...
When I was younger, it was easier for me to trust God. I rarely doubted Him. I so wish I could be like that now.
I learn from kids all the time, and I hope I never stop. I don't think they realize that some of them are my heros. They respect me, but I hold respect and admiration for some of them as well. I don't want to be a young child again, but I wish I could go back to that mindset. I wish I could be so uncomplicated.
I'm praying that I can be a good role model to them, an example of what the love of Christ should look like.
Anna
Well, every year we take the kids who have worked hard and finished their books to Wonderland Park. This is my third year to have the privelige of going on the trip. The other years, the leaders kind of sent my brother and I off on our own. We had lots of leaders, so we weren't really needed all that much. Well, this year we didn't have quite so many leaders.
There is this girl who asked me a few days before we went, "Can I stay with you while we are in the park this year?" This girl is like, my biggest fan at church. She loves to hang out with me. She thinks I'm the greatest, but I'm not sure why. Anyhow, I told her that she could hang out with me in the park. Well, she wasn't the only one who wanted to be in my group. When we all gathered round to decide who would be in what group with which leader, every girl except for one said, "I want to be in Anna's group!" Okay, this means that out of the 11 kids that came on the trip, 7 of them were in my group. Yikes.
I felt like a mother hen. I was constantly counting kids, looking around to make sure they were all there, putting out little fires in between them, trying to arrange who was going on what ride when... I felt like I was the mom of 7 kids! Not fun! Parenthood is going to be so hard!
Even though it's really hard to be in charge of so many, it was definitely a compliment. See, in my experience with communication with children, they're pretty honest. Brutally honest at times. They tell you what they think. I've seen kids tell adults that they are fat. They say it just like that. "You're fat!" The adults are usually, shocked, embarrased, and anxious to get out of there. When I was younger I told my grandma, "You look like you're dead when you don't wear your make-up. I think if you drove down the road, the oncoming cars would be scared because you look kind of like a zombie." Ouch! I can't believe I said that!
Kids haven't learned to watch what they say all the time. If they want to say something, they say it. If they don't want to say something, they don't say it. This is why a compliment from a child is so special to me. When they come and tell me I look nice, I beam. When they tell me that my group is their favorite to be in, it thrills my soul. When they want attention from me in particular, it positively makes my week. I keep every single picture or little gift they give to me. They go on my wall, above my mirror. Their hugs and kisses are priceless.
I love all of these things, because they all come out of sincere hearts. Adults say things because they "have to". If they don't tell you that you look nice, you'll be offended. If they don't tell you you did fine at a particular task, you'll get your feelers hurt. Sometimes we sacrifice honesty for public opinion. Kids don't.
One time I was in Kentucky, visiting my brother. He was in boot camp for the Army, and we went up there for Family Day. We went and visited a church there, and as we were leaving, this little girl looked up at me and gasped, "Mommy, that girl is so pretty." That comment meant more to me than that little girl will ever know.
When I was younger I would read Mark 10:14-16. This is what it says.
When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.
I would read this passage and wonder, "Why? Why did Jesus say this about kids? Why did he love kids so much?" Now that I'm a little older, I think I understand why. When kids do things, they don't hold back. If a child trusts someone, they trust them with everything they've got. There's something so genuine about children. Their minds are simple, uncomplicated by rough friendships, disappointing relationships, doubt...
When I was younger, it was easier for me to trust God. I rarely doubted Him. I so wish I could be like that now.
I learn from kids all the time, and I hope I never stop. I don't think they realize that some of them are my heros. They respect me, but I hold respect and admiration for some of them as well. I don't want to be a young child again, but I wish I could go back to that mindset. I wish I could be so uncomplicated.
I'm praying that I can be a good role model to them, an example of what the love of Christ should look like.
Anna
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Putting On My Big Girl Shoes
I know I've written about this before, but it's definitely what's consuming most of my thoughts lately.
Graduation time is coming. There's a huge fuss everywhere about all the kids who are graduating. People graduating high school, people graduating college, people graduating kindergarten... We've received 4 graduation announcements and invitations so far.
I'm supposed to be graduating this year, but I'm a little behind in my studies. Part of this is because I was lazy when I was younger, and part of it is because now that I want to do it, I don't have time.
I'm so worried about my future. I'm so worried I'm not going to make it. I know that everyone worries about stuff like this. You always have to move. Keep moving, don't stop. Everything is constantly changing, so there's no time to get comfortable. I have lived comfortably for years in my parents house. I didn't have a lot of things in my near future to worry seriously about, but now I do.
I usually love the springtime. And I don't mean that I just kind of like it, I LOVE it. I love to watch the trees grow leaves, I love to watch the flowers bloom, I love to smell the air and to feel the gentle breeze. I love to sit out under the tree in the grass, I love the long evenings of being with friends... I just love everything about it.
This year it's not quite as enjoyable to me. Instead of looking forward to springtime everyday this winter, I dreaded it. I dreaded it because with the springtime came the change. I don't want to change, even though I know I have to. I feel like I'm a horse who doesn't want to go through a gate. I can't see what's inside that gate, so instead of just allowing myself to be led through, I dig in my heels and jerk my head back. I don't want to budge an inch.
The reason I said in my title that I'm putting my big girl shoes on is this: Guys, you probably can't relate with this, but every little girl loves to hear the sound of high heels clip-clopping on her feet. Mommies have high heels. With that sound comes a feeling of importance. A feeling of maturity. You feel so grown up!
Well, as I was leaving the house this morning, I heard it. Clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop. The sound scared me. I realized when I was listening to the sound of my grown-up shoes, I'm not a little girl playing dress-up anymore. I'm a big girl. A woman, in fact. I can't just take off my shoes and go back to being a kid. I have to assume that role permanently. It can't go back in my dress-up trunk to be enjoyed another day. I have to accept my shoes with all of their priveliges and responsibilities, pleasures and pains. It's my turn to be the grown-up. Wow. I'm freaking myself out here.
I'm just going to pray that as I move into this next stage of my life, I'll honor God with every step of these shoes.
Clip-clopping along,
Anna
Graduation time is coming. There's a huge fuss everywhere about all the kids who are graduating. People graduating high school, people graduating college, people graduating kindergarten... We've received 4 graduation announcements and invitations so far.
I'm supposed to be graduating this year, but I'm a little behind in my studies. Part of this is because I was lazy when I was younger, and part of it is because now that I want to do it, I don't have time.
I'm so worried about my future. I'm so worried I'm not going to make it. I know that everyone worries about stuff like this. You always have to move. Keep moving, don't stop. Everything is constantly changing, so there's no time to get comfortable. I have lived comfortably for years in my parents house. I didn't have a lot of things in my near future to worry seriously about, but now I do.
I usually love the springtime. And I don't mean that I just kind of like it, I LOVE it. I love to watch the trees grow leaves, I love to watch the flowers bloom, I love to smell the air and to feel the gentle breeze. I love to sit out under the tree in the grass, I love the long evenings of being with friends... I just love everything about it.
This year it's not quite as enjoyable to me. Instead of looking forward to springtime everyday this winter, I dreaded it. I dreaded it because with the springtime came the change. I don't want to change, even though I know I have to. I feel like I'm a horse who doesn't want to go through a gate. I can't see what's inside that gate, so instead of just allowing myself to be led through, I dig in my heels and jerk my head back. I don't want to budge an inch.
The reason I said in my title that I'm putting my big girl shoes on is this: Guys, you probably can't relate with this, but every little girl loves to hear the sound of high heels clip-clopping on her feet. Mommies have high heels. With that sound comes a feeling of importance. A feeling of maturity. You feel so grown up!
Well, as I was leaving the house this morning, I heard it. Clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop. The sound scared me. I realized when I was listening to the sound of my grown-up shoes, I'm not a little girl playing dress-up anymore. I'm a big girl. A woman, in fact. I can't just take off my shoes and go back to being a kid. I have to assume that role permanently. It can't go back in my dress-up trunk to be enjoyed another day. I have to accept my shoes with all of their priveliges and responsibilities, pleasures and pains. It's my turn to be the grown-up. Wow. I'm freaking myself out here.
I'm just going to pray that as I move into this next stage of my life, I'll honor God with every step of these shoes.
Clip-clopping along,
Anna
Monday, May 09, 2005
Help! Help! My Ceiling's On Fire!!!
May sound silly to you, but believe it or not, this actually happened to me this morning.
On Saturday my younger brother was watching the store. He called me in the afternoon and said, "Um, this light is making a lot of noise, and it really smells like something is burning. What do I do?" I told him to turn the lights off. It was about 4:15 on a Saturday which meant we wouldn't even be there all weekend, so there wasn't really any use calling the landlord.
Well, when I came in this morning I forgot about it. It made a funny buzzing noise, but it stopped shortly after it began. After a while it started to smell like burnt plastic or something, so I turned the lights off and called my dad. I also called the landlord, but he wasn't picking up his cell phone.
My dad came in and examined the place and couldn't figure out what was wrong. He stayed for about 10 minutes and couldn't find the problem. He told me to leave the lights on, but to check for smoke frequently and to call him if there was a problem.
About half an hour later a customer came in. I explained why it smelled the way it did, (how embarrasing,) and that we were trying to find the problem. Well, while she was still in the store, I look up and see all this smoke pouring out of one of the ballasts(sp?).
I freaked out. Those of you who know me can probably see me panicking. I honestly think I ran around in a circle trying to figure out what to do. Now, you have to understand that we own a yarn store. I don't know if you've ever seen wool burn, but I have. Let me tell ya, it burns quick. I had these flashes of the store burning down going through my mind. I could see the shelves burning with all the wool... Oh man. All these thoughts were running through my head. "Should I call the fire department? Should I shut the lights off? Should I call my dad?" Of course, the answer to all of these questions probably should have been yes, but in my panicky state I couldn't decide what to do first. (One would think I would run for the fire extinquisher, right? Yeah, I'm so dumb.)
I finally found the presence of mind to turn the lights off. I came back out and the fire was sort of extinguishing itself, so I watched it burn out and decided not to call the fire department. I called my dad who said he would come down immediately.
The customer who was in the store at the time said that she would stay with me until dad came, God bless her. It was a tremendous comfort not to be alone.
When my dad finally arrived he called the landlord. We tried to get a hold of him for about an hour or so. We never did. Dad said, "I'm going to try to track him down in person." A few minutes later he came back. He was pretty upset. He said, "Um, the landlord is in Europe for the next month." Oooookaaaay. Uh, well that's a problem, now isn't it? He called the electricity people. (Don't you love my technical names for things? I suppose I should say 'Electrician')
See, when we tried to turn the lights back on it still got super hot, not to mention that the lights didn't even come on in the front half of the store. I think that the black wire that took most of the blaze was important.
Dad left and went back to work. He said that the electricians would be there in about an hour. They came and fixed it, and everything's fine. Yay electricity guys!!!'
Now all I have to deal with is this horrendous smell that's hanging about. We went and bought a very powerful candle, and it's taking care of a lot of the smell, thank goodness.
Between the smoke, coming off of the adrenaline rush, and the fact that I forgot to bring my lunch today, I almost passed out.
Sooooo, if you happen to see smoke coming out of your ceiling, don't panic like I did! Stay calm. Turn the lights off, run for the fire extinquisher, and tell someone to call 911 if you have someone available. DON'T RUN IN CIRCLES!!! This doesn't accomplish that much to fight the blaze. Make sure to call an electrician to make sure that there are no weird wires that might cause fires. Don't drink and drive, and don't run with scissors!
Your Friendly Firegirl,
Anna
On Saturday my younger brother was watching the store. He called me in the afternoon and said, "Um, this light is making a lot of noise, and it really smells like something is burning. What do I do?" I told him to turn the lights off. It was about 4:15 on a Saturday which meant we wouldn't even be there all weekend, so there wasn't really any use calling the landlord.
Well, when I came in this morning I forgot about it. It made a funny buzzing noise, but it stopped shortly after it began. After a while it started to smell like burnt plastic or something, so I turned the lights off and called my dad. I also called the landlord, but he wasn't picking up his cell phone.
My dad came in and examined the place and couldn't figure out what was wrong. He stayed for about 10 minutes and couldn't find the problem. He told me to leave the lights on, but to check for smoke frequently and to call him if there was a problem.
About half an hour later a customer came in. I explained why it smelled the way it did, (how embarrasing,) and that we were trying to find the problem. Well, while she was still in the store, I look up and see all this smoke pouring out of one of the ballasts(sp?).
I freaked out. Those of you who know me can probably see me panicking. I honestly think I ran around in a circle trying to figure out what to do. Now, you have to understand that we own a yarn store. I don't know if you've ever seen wool burn, but I have. Let me tell ya, it burns quick. I had these flashes of the store burning down going through my mind. I could see the shelves burning with all the wool... Oh man. All these thoughts were running through my head. "Should I call the fire department? Should I shut the lights off? Should I call my dad?" Of course, the answer to all of these questions probably should have been yes, but in my panicky state I couldn't decide what to do first. (One would think I would run for the fire extinquisher, right? Yeah, I'm so dumb.)
I finally found the presence of mind to turn the lights off. I came back out and the fire was sort of extinguishing itself, so I watched it burn out and decided not to call the fire department. I called my dad who said he would come down immediately.
The customer who was in the store at the time said that she would stay with me until dad came, God bless her. It was a tremendous comfort not to be alone.
When my dad finally arrived he called the landlord. We tried to get a hold of him for about an hour or so. We never did. Dad said, "I'm going to try to track him down in person." A few minutes later he came back. He was pretty upset. He said, "Um, the landlord is in Europe for the next month." Oooookaaaay. Uh, well that's a problem, now isn't it? He called the electricity people. (Don't you love my technical names for things? I suppose I should say 'Electrician')
See, when we tried to turn the lights back on it still got super hot, not to mention that the lights didn't even come on in the front half of the store. I think that the black wire that took most of the blaze was important.
Dad left and went back to work. He said that the electricians would be there in about an hour. They came and fixed it, and everything's fine. Yay electricity guys!!!'
Now all I have to deal with is this horrendous smell that's hanging about. We went and bought a very powerful candle, and it's taking care of a lot of the smell, thank goodness.
Between the smoke, coming off of the adrenaline rush, and the fact that I forgot to bring my lunch today, I almost passed out.
Sooooo, if you happen to see smoke coming out of your ceiling, don't panic like I did! Stay calm. Turn the lights off, run for the fire extinquisher, and tell someone to call 911 if you have someone available. DON'T RUN IN CIRCLES!!! This doesn't accomplish that much to fight the blaze. Make sure to call an electrician to make sure that there are no weird wires that might cause fires. Don't drink and drive, and don't run with scissors!
Your Friendly Firegirl,
Anna
3 Simple Steps to Feeling Your Spiritual Best!
Ha! Yeah right! I really hate it when people say stuff like this. There are no simple steps to feeling your spiritual best. It's like there are a ton of Christian "Self-Help" gurus out there. No two people are the same. I can't figure out why they think that these "simple steps" are going to be the answers to everyone's problems.
It's the same thing with popular Christian studies. You've seen it. 'The Prayer of Jabez', the current 'The Purpose Driven Life' craze. The women are all siked about Beth Moore right now. I'm not trying to bash these things. I know God uses them, but I have a really hard time doing studies just because they are popular. I go in with a pretty raunchy attitude, and that means I have to work really hard at being open to what God wants to teach me.
It also frustrates me when sermons have these cute little outlines where all the words start with "p" or something. Man, that's annoying. Anyway, that was way off subject.
For the last couple of months in my spiritual walk with God, I've felt sort of... distant. Stagnant. Sickly. I think I've figured out why.
I believe my spiritual gift is serving. I love to serve. I love to spend my time helping out at church or working for people. I'm usually one of the first to show up, and I'm almost always the last one to leave. When the church is having a work day I'm there. When we are doing preparation for an upcoming event I'm there. I just love to fill that gap.
One of the reasons I love to serve so much is because it's one of the places that I feel a definite connection with God. When I'm by myself cleaning toilets or the fridge, God is with me. I can't always figure out what He's saying, and sometimes I don't think He really says anything, I can just feel His presence. Even though it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world to be cleaning out urinals in the men's bathroom, (Oh gross. I don't think those things should ever have been invented) it's definitely comforting to feel Him there.
Well, for the last couple of months I haven't done much serving at all. Part of this is because we haven't had a whole lot going on at the church that I was aware of, but that is not an excuse. I ought to seek opportunities out, not wait around for them to move into my path.
I haven't been using the gift that God gave me to further His kingdom. I'm not pulling my share of weight. I'm just sitting here taking and taking. I'm not giving anything back.
I think this is why I have felt so spiritually unhealthy. You know how you feel if haven't done any exercize whatsoever all week? Just like a healthy diet isn't the only factor in maintaining a healthy body, there are quite a few factors in maintaining your spiritual health.
I think I've been doing well as far as my "diet". I've been reading my Bible faithfully, I have been doing a lot of praying, but I haven't been getting any exercize. I haven't been using my gift.
So no, this is not a 6 month plan about how to deepen your relationship with God, an 8 step guide to easy living in the Church, it's just something that I've been thinking about this morning. I'm not a self-help guru, just a 17 year old girl who struggles in her walk constantly.
Did any of that make sense at all?
Anna
It's the same thing with popular Christian studies. You've seen it. 'The Prayer of Jabez', the current 'The Purpose Driven Life' craze. The women are all siked about Beth Moore right now. I'm not trying to bash these things. I know God uses them, but I have a really hard time doing studies just because they are popular. I go in with a pretty raunchy attitude, and that means I have to work really hard at being open to what God wants to teach me.
It also frustrates me when sermons have these cute little outlines where all the words start with "p" or something. Man, that's annoying. Anyway, that was way off subject.
For the last couple of months in my spiritual walk with God, I've felt sort of... distant. Stagnant. Sickly. I think I've figured out why.
I believe my spiritual gift is serving. I love to serve. I love to spend my time helping out at church or working for people. I'm usually one of the first to show up, and I'm almost always the last one to leave. When the church is having a work day I'm there. When we are doing preparation for an upcoming event I'm there. I just love to fill that gap.
One of the reasons I love to serve so much is because it's one of the places that I feel a definite connection with God. When I'm by myself cleaning toilets or the fridge, God is with me. I can't always figure out what He's saying, and sometimes I don't think He really says anything, I can just feel His presence. Even though it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world to be cleaning out urinals in the men's bathroom, (Oh gross. I don't think those things should ever have been invented) it's definitely comforting to feel Him there.
Well, for the last couple of months I haven't done much serving at all. Part of this is because we haven't had a whole lot going on at the church that I was aware of, but that is not an excuse. I ought to seek opportunities out, not wait around for them to move into my path.
I haven't been using the gift that God gave me to further His kingdom. I'm not pulling my share of weight. I'm just sitting here taking and taking. I'm not giving anything back.
I think this is why I have felt so spiritually unhealthy. You know how you feel if haven't done any exercize whatsoever all week? Just like a healthy diet isn't the only factor in maintaining a healthy body, there are quite a few factors in maintaining your spiritual health.
I think I've been doing well as far as my "diet". I've been reading my Bible faithfully, I have been doing a lot of praying, but I haven't been getting any exercize. I haven't been using my gift.
So no, this is not a 6 month plan about how to deepen your relationship with God, an 8 step guide to easy living in the Church, it's just something that I've been thinking about this morning. I'm not a self-help guru, just a 17 year old girl who struggles in her walk constantly.
Did any of that make sense at all?
Anna
Friday, May 06, 2005
The Smile of Grace
Okay, before I get started here, I'll warn ya. I'm not a history buff. I know some of you are (ahem, Chris...), but I'm not, so please forgive any errors in my account of what I saw. I could have totally misunderstood something. I wrote this in my journal last night, and I thought I'd share.
Last night my family watched a documentary on PBS about the nazi concentration camps. I've seen one before that was similar, in fact it even had some of the same video footage in it. Every time I see it, my heart breaks. I want to turn away in disgust, but all of the faces that have seen more death, war, pain and hatred than any human should are holding me captive, just as I'm watching them be held.
They are mere skeletons. Their skin is clinging to their bones alone. They all look old, worn and haggard, even the children. To look at them, you'd think that they had been abandoned, but no, they haven't. In fact, they would probably be better off if they had been. Instead, they are tortured. The men are forced to work on practically non-existent rations. Some of the women are put in a brothel where they are raped and forced to sell themselves to soldiers or preferred prisoners.
They cannot live normally, they cannot die normally, they cannot even sleep normally. Some prison huts were built with barbed wire instead of bedding.
Some of them are taken to a death chamber. They are forced into a room where the air is filled with poison. This seems almost merciful compared to the deaths of others. They are locked into a large barn, which is set on fire. One man managed to squeeze his head and shoulders into a small hole. He gasped for air while the rest of his body burned, and for this he was shot.
Each face is marked with pain, lined with sorrow, but as the camera pans over them, one smiles. Smiling? After all that he has gone through, how can he smile? Somehow he has clung to a shred of glimmering hope.
They have experienced more terrible things than I can comprehend, nor do I want to. But it seems that some of them have experienced more grace than I can comprehend.
I don't understand why it happened, why so many had to die. I don't understand why God allowed it, but I pray that if I am ever forced into a similar situation that God will grant me that grace. The grace that makes weary, war-torn men smile.
Anna
Last night my family watched a documentary on PBS about the nazi concentration camps. I've seen one before that was similar, in fact it even had some of the same video footage in it. Every time I see it, my heart breaks. I want to turn away in disgust, but all of the faces that have seen more death, war, pain and hatred than any human should are holding me captive, just as I'm watching them be held.
They are mere skeletons. Their skin is clinging to their bones alone. They all look old, worn and haggard, even the children. To look at them, you'd think that they had been abandoned, but no, they haven't. In fact, they would probably be better off if they had been. Instead, they are tortured. The men are forced to work on practically non-existent rations. Some of the women are put in a brothel where they are raped and forced to sell themselves to soldiers or preferred prisoners.
They cannot live normally, they cannot die normally, they cannot even sleep normally. Some prison huts were built with barbed wire instead of bedding.
Some of them are taken to a death chamber. They are forced into a room where the air is filled with poison. This seems almost merciful compared to the deaths of others. They are locked into a large barn, which is set on fire. One man managed to squeeze his head and shoulders into a small hole. He gasped for air while the rest of his body burned, and for this he was shot.
Each face is marked with pain, lined with sorrow, but as the camera pans over them, one smiles. Smiling? After all that he has gone through, how can he smile? Somehow he has clung to a shred of glimmering hope.
They have experienced more terrible things than I can comprehend, nor do I want to. But it seems that some of them have experienced more grace than I can comprehend.
I don't understand why it happened, why so many had to die. I don't understand why God allowed it, but I pray that if I am ever forced into a similar situation that God will grant me that grace. The grace that makes weary, war-torn men smile.
Anna
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Money is the Root of All Kinds of Worry
I know, I know, it's "The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil", but for me it is an endless source of worry. I worry about it all the time. You know, I say that it's not that important to me, but since I worry about it so much... It must be more important than I think it is.
Since I was about 15 I've managed a lot of my mom's money. Not in her personal account, of course, but at the store. I pay the bills, pay the taxes, balance the account... Well, actually I don't balance the account anymore. She does that herself these days. Hooray!!!
Anyway, there have been times where we have been pretty behind with our bills, and right now is one of those times. We just aren't selling things fast enough. Or maybe we are, I just can't figure out where the money is all going to.
It's strange, because usually tax season makes things really hard. People are saving up to pay taxes, so they keep the finances a little tighter than usual. They don't want to spend it on frivolous stuff like knitting. Well, this year we didn't have much of a problem in tax season. I was amazed, actually, that business was going so well.
Well, this morning I found about 3 bills that weren't in my designated bill folder. They were just kind of laying around. I was horrified! That's 3 more bills on top of the rest that I need to pay but don't have the money for. I really have no idea what to do.
See, last year my mom had a job outside the store. She was working as a secretary for the church, so the money that she was making there was going to the store account. For a few months I could breathe. It was such a relief. We were current on all of our bills. I wasn't staying awake at night, wondering what I was going to do about the money.
Then my mom quit. Now we're back at square one. We have all these bills, and I have no earthly idea how we're going to pay them. It almost literally worries me sick. When I think about it I start to tremble. Weird, huh?
Here's the other thing. I don't understand my mom. See, I do a lot of stuff around the store here. We go out of town twice a month to do classes and stuff, and she really likes me to be there, she has me do all of the ordering and bills.
My brother has been really itching to get a job, and mom and dad have been super encouraging. I was kind of jealous, because I thought that they didn't want me to get a job. I thought that mom thought I was indispensable. Well, that's the message that came across to me. Last night Nathan and I were talking, and he said he heard my mom fuming to one of her friends about how she wishes I would go out and get a job. Huh? I never heard anything about it. She tells me she needs me all the time. When I talked about getting a job before, mom had dad talk to me and say, "Anna, what do you need money so badly for?"
So last night I asked mom about it. She said, "I don't have the money to pay you." Um, yeah, I know that. I pay the bills, remember? So now I guess I'm going to go out and get a million applications... I'm so confused! And worried...
Man, I've got to stop that! Everyone says, "Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself." I've read, "The Cure for Anxiety" in Matthew like, 100 times. I guess I just don't trust God enough. No, I know I don't trust God enough. It's one of my weakest points in my walk. It's something that I have never done my whole life.
When I was 12, I was constantly worrying about my younger brother. Everytime he would walk somewhere and he was gone for more than 10 minutes, I would stand outside and look for him. I was always worried he would be kidnapped or something. I didn't sleep when I was away from home, whether my parents were with me or not. Why on earth did I worry so much? I don't understand me! Who knows?
I would love to say that I trusted God all the time, that he has proved himself faithful, and that was enough for me. He has proved himself faithful, He's never let me down. But no, it's not always enough for me. I still distrust him. Go figure.
Hakunah Matata? Yeah right.
Anna
Since I was about 15 I've managed a lot of my mom's money. Not in her personal account, of course, but at the store. I pay the bills, pay the taxes, balance the account... Well, actually I don't balance the account anymore. She does that herself these days. Hooray!!!
Anyway, there have been times where we have been pretty behind with our bills, and right now is one of those times. We just aren't selling things fast enough. Or maybe we are, I just can't figure out where the money is all going to.
It's strange, because usually tax season makes things really hard. People are saving up to pay taxes, so they keep the finances a little tighter than usual. They don't want to spend it on frivolous stuff like knitting. Well, this year we didn't have much of a problem in tax season. I was amazed, actually, that business was going so well.
Well, this morning I found about 3 bills that weren't in my designated bill folder. They were just kind of laying around. I was horrified! That's 3 more bills on top of the rest that I need to pay but don't have the money for. I really have no idea what to do.
See, last year my mom had a job outside the store. She was working as a secretary for the church, so the money that she was making there was going to the store account. For a few months I could breathe. It was such a relief. We were current on all of our bills. I wasn't staying awake at night, wondering what I was going to do about the money.
Then my mom quit. Now we're back at square one. We have all these bills, and I have no earthly idea how we're going to pay them. It almost literally worries me sick. When I think about it I start to tremble. Weird, huh?
Here's the other thing. I don't understand my mom. See, I do a lot of stuff around the store here. We go out of town twice a month to do classes and stuff, and she really likes me to be there, she has me do all of the ordering and bills.
My brother has been really itching to get a job, and mom and dad have been super encouraging. I was kind of jealous, because I thought that they didn't want me to get a job. I thought that mom thought I was indispensable. Well, that's the message that came across to me. Last night Nathan and I were talking, and he said he heard my mom fuming to one of her friends about how she wishes I would go out and get a job. Huh? I never heard anything about it. She tells me she needs me all the time. When I talked about getting a job before, mom had dad talk to me and say, "Anna, what do you need money so badly for?"
So last night I asked mom about it. She said, "I don't have the money to pay you." Um, yeah, I know that. I pay the bills, remember? So now I guess I'm going to go out and get a million applications... I'm so confused! And worried...
Man, I've got to stop that! Everyone says, "Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself." I've read, "The Cure for Anxiety" in Matthew like, 100 times. I guess I just don't trust God enough. No, I know I don't trust God enough. It's one of my weakest points in my walk. It's something that I have never done my whole life.
When I was 12, I was constantly worrying about my younger brother. Everytime he would walk somewhere and he was gone for more than 10 minutes, I would stand outside and look for him. I was always worried he would be kidnapped or something. I didn't sleep when I was away from home, whether my parents were with me or not. Why on earth did I worry so much? I don't understand me! Who knows?
I would love to say that I trusted God all the time, that he has proved himself faithful, and that was enough for me. He has proved himself faithful, He's never let me down. But no, it's not always enough for me. I still distrust him. Go figure.
Hakunah Matata? Yeah right.
Anna
Weird...
My blog hasn't been showing up. It's just been a blank page. So let's see what happens when I try to republish the whole thing...
I can't write a real post, I don't have time.
I can't write a real post, I don't have time.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Trust
Has anyone ever trusted you, and you have no idea why?
I hear it from people all the time. "In order to be trusted, you must show yourself trustworthy." I say it, too.
Girls talk to me all the time. I'm a leader in my youth group, so I hear the girls talk about a lot of things. One thing that comes up with a lot of girls is trust. Their parents don't trust them. Sometimes it's that they have an earlier curfew than other people, sometimes it's that they don't have a cell phone, sometimes it's that their parents don't want them to hang out with certain guys. They say, "Auuuugh. It drives me insane that my parents won't let me.... (fill in the blank)."
I tell them, "Well, obviously your parents don't trust you that much yet."
"Why not?"
"You have to show yourself trustworthy in order to be trusted." Sounds kind of cliche.
They hate that. They wonder why it is that their parents don't trust them, when sometimes I wonder why my parents do trust me. It's not only my parents. It's other people. People in the church, people at the store...
Some people trust me waaaay more than I think they should. What have I done to earn this trust? I can't think of anything. In fact, I can think of more reasons for people to distrust me than to trust me. This isn't just me bashing on myself, it's really the honest to goodness truth.
I don't know why, but people seem to trust me right away. Before they really know much about me. For instance, this girl I know was going through a really rough time. She was having problems in school, she was having problems at home... I didn't really know her that well. She didn't know me that well either. We didn't really hang out much together. I didn't avoid her, but I didn't go out of my way to be her friend, either.
One day I called her mom for one reason or another. I think it was to invite her to an event. Anyway, as soon as I call, her mom breaks into tears. "Anna, it's so strange that you would call right now, because we were just talking about you. My daughter has been having a really rough day at school. We were just talking about you, because we really think that it would be good if she hung out with you. She really needs a friend like you. Someone who is strong and will support her. Someone who will be there for her the way you already have been."
What? I was never there for her. I never gave her any outstanding support. I couldn't figure out what this mom was talking about. I mean, I didn't cut this girl down, I didn't tell her she was a weirdo, I didn't agree when she made derogatory comments about herself, but I wasn't there by her side to face the world. So what on earth is this woman on the other end of the line talking about?
People also trust me a lot when it comes to spiritual stuff. A lot of younger girls, but also some adults. I don't know why. I feel like my relationship is so shaky sometimes. I don't know very much about the Bible, I haven't had very much experience.
Sometimes I feel like people have a trust in me that I cannot uphold. I know I'm going to slip up, I know they're going to feel betrayed. It seems like it would have been better not to be trusted in the first place than to break the trust they have in you. It seems like people have unrealistic expectations. I'm only 17, I'm not a Bible scholar, I have made a lot of mistakes.
I don't think I can do anything about the fact that people trust me. I'll just have to deal with it, and when I fall, I fall. Hopefully they'll love me enought to help me dust myself off and get on track again. I can't be perfect. I can't be great. I can only be Anna, and Anna messes up. Hopefully people keep this in mind.
I'm so glad that God didn't make me a guy, because guys can be pastors. There is so much pressure put on pastors. People expect them to be perfect all the time. Thank you Lord, for not putting me in that position!
Trying to be trustworthy,
Anna
I hear it from people all the time. "In order to be trusted, you must show yourself trustworthy." I say it, too.
Girls talk to me all the time. I'm a leader in my youth group, so I hear the girls talk about a lot of things. One thing that comes up with a lot of girls is trust. Their parents don't trust them. Sometimes it's that they have an earlier curfew than other people, sometimes it's that they don't have a cell phone, sometimes it's that their parents don't want them to hang out with certain guys. They say, "Auuuugh. It drives me insane that my parents won't let me.... (fill in the blank)."
I tell them, "Well, obviously your parents don't trust you that much yet."
"Why not?"
"You have to show yourself trustworthy in order to be trusted." Sounds kind of cliche.
They hate that. They wonder why it is that their parents don't trust them, when sometimes I wonder why my parents do trust me. It's not only my parents. It's other people. People in the church, people at the store...
Some people trust me waaaay more than I think they should. What have I done to earn this trust? I can't think of anything. In fact, I can think of more reasons for people to distrust me than to trust me. This isn't just me bashing on myself, it's really the honest to goodness truth.
I don't know why, but people seem to trust me right away. Before they really know much about me. For instance, this girl I know was going through a really rough time. She was having problems in school, she was having problems at home... I didn't really know her that well. She didn't know me that well either. We didn't really hang out much together. I didn't avoid her, but I didn't go out of my way to be her friend, either.
One day I called her mom for one reason or another. I think it was to invite her to an event. Anyway, as soon as I call, her mom breaks into tears. "Anna, it's so strange that you would call right now, because we were just talking about you. My daughter has been having a really rough day at school. We were just talking about you, because we really think that it would be good if she hung out with you. She really needs a friend like you. Someone who is strong and will support her. Someone who will be there for her the way you already have been."
What? I was never there for her. I never gave her any outstanding support. I couldn't figure out what this mom was talking about. I mean, I didn't cut this girl down, I didn't tell her she was a weirdo, I didn't agree when she made derogatory comments about herself, but I wasn't there by her side to face the world. So what on earth is this woman on the other end of the line talking about?
People also trust me a lot when it comes to spiritual stuff. A lot of younger girls, but also some adults. I don't know why. I feel like my relationship is so shaky sometimes. I don't know very much about the Bible, I haven't had very much experience.
Sometimes I feel like people have a trust in me that I cannot uphold. I know I'm going to slip up, I know they're going to feel betrayed. It seems like it would have been better not to be trusted in the first place than to break the trust they have in you. It seems like people have unrealistic expectations. I'm only 17, I'm not a Bible scholar, I have made a lot of mistakes.
I don't think I can do anything about the fact that people trust me. I'll just have to deal with it, and when I fall, I fall. Hopefully they'll love me enought to help me dust myself off and get on track again. I can't be perfect. I can't be great. I can only be Anna, and Anna messes up. Hopefully people keep this in mind.
I'm so glad that God didn't make me a guy, because guys can be pastors. There is so much pressure put on pastors. People expect them to be perfect all the time. Thank you Lord, for not putting me in that position!
Trying to be trustworthy,
Anna
Girls are mean!
First of all, let me say that my little brother rocks my world! Of course he gets on my nerves a LOT, but sometimes he can be the sweetest person!!!
Okay, so anyway...
Why are girls so mean? We are. We really, truly are cruel creatures. Girls worry about their appearance all the time. At least I do. I'm extremely self concious. And it's not for the guys. I mean, yeah, I wan't to be pretty for the guys, but they're not the ones I'm afraid of. I've never met a guy older than Jr. High that would tell a girl she was ugly. I've never met one who would degrade her appearance. I've never met a guy who makes fun of her because her face happened to break out that day. (Okay, actually I have met one, but we won't count him.)
Girls will do all of these things. When it comes to other girls, we are positively viscious! Because we're jealous? Afraid that Suzie might get more attention from that guy than we will? I don't know. Girls remind me of a bunch of harpies. Loud and abrasive, dashing other peoples self-esteem to pieces on the rocks below.
Girls will tell you what's wrong with your appearance right away. They will tell you what's wrong with your figure, they'll tell you what's wrong with your features, they'll tell you why your hair isn't as cool as theirs, they'll tell you that you need to pluck you eyebrows... In fact, this happened to me just the other day. Some woman told me, "Um, you need to go and pluck your eyebrows, dear." What? Why do you even give a care what my eyebrows look like?
I must admit, my eyebrows are a complicated subject. They are extremely bold and heavy. They have a nice shape to them, I guess. Right now all the girls are plucking their eyebrows until they're teeny tiny, and I can't stand it. Why not just leave them be? Grooming, yes, removing them and penciling new ones in? Not my style. Actually, the only thing that I could do to make them look different is exactly that.
Lots of people like my eyebrows because they're different. Apparently not this woman. Anyway, when she said this it floored me. I just kind of stood their and turned red and stuttered. My brother stared at her open mouthed. I excused this woman's comment, because she has all of the tact of my grandmother. (Um, yeah, that means she doesn't have much.)
Girls tell you what's wrong when you can't do anything about it at the moment, and if it's something you can do, they choose to let you walk around like that all day.
When I was in about the 5th grade there was this girl that no one really liked. She was kind of mean to the rest of us. I can't figure out why. Well, one day all the girls were gathered around giggling, including my best friend. I walked into the group and she whispered, "Hey, look! Monica's fly is unzipped!" They all thought that this was the most hilarious thing, Monica walking around with her underwear showing.
I said, "Well, hasn't anyone told her?"
"Are you kidding? We're not going to tell her! She called me four-eyes!"
I was appalled. I could believe they were letting her look like an idiot just because she had called them a dumb name. I know that it hurts to be insulted, but they were making themselves just like her by not telling her. So I did. "Psst! Monica! XYZ..." Monica liked me from that day forward.
This is the reason I never liked girls when I was younger. All of my close friends were guys. It's not that I don't like them individually, I just despise being in groups.
I don't hang out in girls bathrooms, because I don't want to hear about Jill's latest bad hair day, or the fact that Jennifer forgot to paint her toenails this morning. They probably talk about me the same way, but I don't care. Maybe they don't realize that when they aren't in the bathrooms, all the girls are talking about them the same way the were talking about Jill and Jen.
I don't like entirely female small groups, although I do see the necessity. Girls make me uncomfortable. All gossip and giggling and guytalk. Wow, that's a nightmare to me.
Put me in a group of guys to play football any day! This has always been my attitude, which meant the girls hated me even more. I guess they thought I was boy crazy. They were really jealous that the guys were more comfortable around me than around them. I don't think they realized that the guys didn't 'like me', like me, they just liked having me around. I wasn't the object of their affection, I was another player on the team.
Girls don't understand me, I don't understand them. I don't understand guys either. Hey, who do I understand? When guys ask me to explain things about girls, they are often met with, "What are you asking me for? Beats me! I can't explain them." I do my best to explain female behavior, the femine mind, but I just can't.
I mean really, who can fathom the minds of females?
Anna
Okay, so anyway...
Why are girls so mean? We are. We really, truly are cruel creatures. Girls worry about their appearance all the time. At least I do. I'm extremely self concious. And it's not for the guys. I mean, yeah, I wan't to be pretty for the guys, but they're not the ones I'm afraid of. I've never met a guy older than Jr. High that would tell a girl she was ugly. I've never met one who would degrade her appearance. I've never met a guy who makes fun of her because her face happened to break out that day. (Okay, actually I have met one, but we won't count him.)
Girls will do all of these things. When it comes to other girls, we are positively viscious! Because we're jealous? Afraid that Suzie might get more attention from that guy than we will? I don't know. Girls remind me of a bunch of harpies. Loud and abrasive, dashing other peoples self-esteem to pieces on the rocks below.
Girls will tell you what's wrong with your appearance right away. They will tell you what's wrong with your figure, they'll tell you what's wrong with your features, they'll tell you why your hair isn't as cool as theirs, they'll tell you that you need to pluck you eyebrows... In fact, this happened to me just the other day. Some woman told me, "Um, you need to go and pluck your eyebrows, dear." What? Why do you even give a care what my eyebrows look like?
I must admit, my eyebrows are a complicated subject. They are extremely bold and heavy. They have a nice shape to them, I guess. Right now all the girls are plucking their eyebrows until they're teeny tiny, and I can't stand it. Why not just leave them be? Grooming, yes, removing them and penciling new ones in? Not my style. Actually, the only thing that I could do to make them look different is exactly that.
Lots of people like my eyebrows because they're different. Apparently not this woman. Anyway, when she said this it floored me. I just kind of stood their and turned red and stuttered. My brother stared at her open mouthed. I excused this woman's comment, because she has all of the tact of my grandmother. (Um, yeah, that means she doesn't have much.)
Girls tell you what's wrong when you can't do anything about it at the moment, and if it's something you can do, they choose to let you walk around like that all day.
When I was in about the 5th grade there was this girl that no one really liked. She was kind of mean to the rest of us. I can't figure out why. Well, one day all the girls were gathered around giggling, including my best friend. I walked into the group and she whispered, "Hey, look! Monica's fly is unzipped!" They all thought that this was the most hilarious thing, Monica walking around with her underwear showing.
I said, "Well, hasn't anyone told her?"
"Are you kidding? We're not going to tell her! She called me four-eyes!"
I was appalled. I could believe they were letting her look like an idiot just because she had called them a dumb name. I know that it hurts to be insulted, but they were making themselves just like her by not telling her. So I did. "Psst! Monica! XYZ..." Monica liked me from that day forward.
This is the reason I never liked girls when I was younger. All of my close friends were guys. It's not that I don't like them individually, I just despise being in groups.
I don't hang out in girls bathrooms, because I don't want to hear about Jill's latest bad hair day, or the fact that Jennifer forgot to paint her toenails this morning. They probably talk about me the same way, but I don't care. Maybe they don't realize that when they aren't in the bathrooms, all the girls are talking about them the same way the were talking about Jill and Jen.
I don't like entirely female small groups, although I do see the necessity. Girls make me uncomfortable. All gossip and giggling and guytalk. Wow, that's a nightmare to me.
Put me in a group of guys to play football any day! This has always been my attitude, which meant the girls hated me even more. I guess they thought I was boy crazy. They were really jealous that the guys were more comfortable around me than around them. I don't think they realized that the guys didn't 'like me', like me, they just liked having me around. I wasn't the object of their affection, I was another player on the team.
Girls don't understand me, I don't understand them. I don't understand guys either. Hey, who do I understand? When guys ask me to explain things about girls, they are often met with, "What are you asking me for? Beats me! I can't explain them." I do my best to explain female behavior, the femine mind, but I just can't.
I mean really, who can fathom the minds of females?
Anna
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