La La

I screwed up. I really did. I allowed myself to react according to my flesh, and what's worse, I did it in front of non-believers.

When she walked in, everything about her was screaming about her need of love. She was an overweight woman with a head of uncontrolled hair and a tired expression on her face. She was wearing a t-shirt that was hitched up, revealing her midriff and bulging belly. She would get up and walk around for no apparent reason every couple of minutes. It appeared she was trying to be sexy, but not pulling it off too well. As a matter of fact, it had quite the opposite result. Everywhere she went, she was surrounded with snickering and slack-jawed people.

She would call out to you. You would walk over, and she would extend your hand, waiting for you to take it. "Hi. I'm La La. What's your name? Oh, hi!" She would then tell each different person a different story, trying to get people to hang out with her. Mine in particular was an invitation to a bachelorette party at the La Quinta Inn. "That's where everyone is going to be. I'm going there as soon as I'm done here. You should come with me! I'm going to California for 2 weeks to record CD's."

She was so desperate for friendship and compassion, neither of which she found with us. She was always there, hanging around in the background. Every conversation that I would have with another person would be interrupted by her walking up, wanting to join in.

Repulsive? Yes, but not nearly so much so as my behavior in response. I laughed at her. I joined in with the groups of disgusted people, talking behind her back and snickering as she walked by for the umpteenth time. They were snorting, laughing, making fun of either her appearance or her seeming insanity, and I was right there with them. This I recall with flaming cheeks and burning conscience.

I, who claim to be a follower of Christ, was not standing up for her, not even leaving the groups of gossip. I was even joining in their laughter, my own ringing with theirs. What's funnier than a crazy fat girl who thinks she's sexy, right? Wrong. Oh, Anna! How wrong you were!

I had been trying so hard to be a good witness, a good example of the love of God, and I completely shattered it with my own flesh and desire for acceptance.  I'm sure that my co-workers were thinking, "So this is the 'love' of God? Just like a Christian. Hypocritical." I am truly the least Christ-like 'Christian' out there.

I failed God, I failed her, I failed my co-workers and I failed myself. I wasn't a child that God could be proud to call His own. No, not proud, but certainly ashamed. I know I'm ashamed of myself.

Today I am going to work with the intention of apologizing to all of my co-workers. I will probably be met with laughter, but it really isn't funny. I have to let them know that what I did was completely unacceptable, and completely opposite everything I've ever stood for or believed. I can't take it back, but I can learn from my mistakes and avoid them in the future. That's all I can hope for.

Thank God for His glorious forgiveness, because I certainly need it often.

With remorse of the greatest sincerity,
Anna

Happy 4th of July?

This is my very first holiday to spend by myself.  I know that in the future this will become a common occurrence, but this first one is definitely hard.  I've always hated being by myself, but it's somehow worse on a holiday.  All of the memories are flooding your thoughts and the tears are flooding your eyes. It shouldn't be a big deal.  I mean, my family just went out of town for 5 days without me, that's all, but it's still rough to be by yourself.

How I wish I could just write down all of my thoughts today, but there are so many, so I'm not even going to try.

I went to Chris and Amy's yesterday.  They were nice enough to let me spend the afternoon with them instead of the solitary confinement of my house.  We talked for several hours about all kinds of things.  It wasn't really a very encouraging conversation.  I think that the subject we talked about most was the fact that neither of us can figure out what God is telling us to do right now.

Why is the will of God so hard to figure out?  One minute you're sure that he's telling you to pursue one path, and the next you think he's telling you to go a completely different direction.  I wish there was an easy way to find out.  I wish we could all just read The Purpose Driven Life and know which way was the one God had for us, but it just doesn't work that way.

Sometimes there are so many paths to choose from, and you can't figure out which one would honor God the most.  My problem is that I sit there at the fork in the road, pondering, peering into the darkness that lies down each one, and I become complacent.  I can't decide right away, and eventually I never do.  I either get shoved down the one, or I somehow lose the other one because I didn't make my choice when it needed to be made.

Sometimes I think it's because I'm not a good enough Christian.  That maybe I've let something into my life that I shouldn't have.  But I can't think for the life of me what this would be at the moment.  I'm not perfect, but there doesn't seem to be a big sin that is blocking my view of God right now.  No, I don't think that's it.  Even Christians who I admire and respect wholeheartedly have this problem, and they can't give me answers either.  I guess it'll all shake out, but I don't like waiting.  I hate waiting, as a matter of fact.  Oh well.  I'll have to anyway.

Still pondering and peering,
Anna

No Kissing Policy

Okay, I was writing on my last post about how the people at work found out about my "No Kissing Policy", as I call it. Everyone is always so curious about why I have this policy. Some people say, "Aww," others say, "Huh?" Some think it's good, some think it's bad. Some think it's smart, some think it's stupid. The one thing that stays consistent is that it makes a splash.

I think I've come up with three reasons that I have this policy. Two of them are legitimate, one of them isn't.

I'll start with the ones that are legit first.

#1. If I had kissed a guy and married another, I'd feel guilty for the rest of my life. I would feel sooooo bad! I feel like a kiss is something special that shouldn't be taken lightly. They shouldn't be given away like candy, there for the taking of anyone who asks nicely. Once you have given them, you can't take them back. Someday that might come back to bite you.

#2. I don't trust myself. Since I want to be married so badly. I think that allowing a guy to kiss me would be starting my mind winding down a bad path. Girls have a really hard time guarding their thoughts, and since I've wanted to be married for as long as I can remember, I think I'd be more prone to impure thoughts. I don't want to get myself or him in trouble with our thoughts, not to mention that thoughts lead to actions. Hmm. Not smart. Maybe you think I'm not giving myself enough credit, but I'd rather not give myself enough credit and stay safe, than send myself hurtling down a path I swore I'd never set foot on. Purity is about so much more than your body, it includes your emotions, thoughts and spirit. I want to be pure in every sense of the word for my husband. I want to save myself in every way for him. If he doesn't respect me enough for that, I'd say we have a problem. He would be cheating himself out of a lot of things.

#3. I'm scared to death! You may think this is ridiculous, even comical, but I'm really scared of kissing. I'm sure this fear will dissipate someday, but as of right now it is very prominent in my thought process. I guess I'm afraid that after a guy kisses me, he won't love me. I don't know. I know it sounds strange, (probably because it is strange) but I don't know how else to say it.

So, there you have it. That's why I have my policy, like it or not. I don't know if this helps you understand any better. Maybe you're just more confused, but that's the best I can explain it.

Kissing frogs is good enough for me!
Anna

Addendum:  I was on the right track with this.  Too bad I didn't heed my own advice.

I'll think up a title for this someday...

Wow. That's all I can say. I had this conversation last night... Well, let me just tell you.

Okay, there's this guy at work. His name is Dustin. Dustin is a cool guy. Very sweet, extremely nice, a good team worker. He is one of my favorites to work with. I call him "My friend at work". He's the guy that I go to and say, "AAAAAUUUUGH! Table 40 is going to strangle me!"

Now, the thing that you have to understand about Dustin is that he's gay. It's out in the open, and everyone knows it. I know he's gay, he knows I'm a Christian, but the wonderful thing is that we still get along great. We don't shun each other at all.

A couple of days ago, the fact that I have never been kissed came up. Oh my goodness, you would have thought that I sprouted antennae and turned green. It made the biggest splash ever. One of the guys chased me around the store, trying to get a hold of my "virgin lips." Okay, what a creep! EEEEEWWWW! Anyway, the idea of being abstinent is almost foreign to them, so when I mentioned that I've never even been kissed, they flipped out. They mention it about once every hour or so.

And that's what's been going on down at work. I was just trying to set the situation up for ya...

So there are Dustin and I, sitting there rolling our silverware (we roll a lot of silverware), and across the room they start talking about me again. Apparently Dustin hadn't heard the whole thing, so when he heard about the kissing thing he said, "Aww, that's so sweet. You're so pure, Anna." He hung his head and made a comment about being a whore.

I didn't know what to say. I mean, I just kind of looked down at my silverware and kept rolling. We started talking about the fact that he's homosexual, and he made a comment that sounded like this. "Well, it's not really my fault. I was born this way." I said, "Um, I'd have to disagree with you there." He looked back down at his silverware and said, "What, you think I'd choose to be the way I am?" I looked at him and said, "Yeah." (Right now I'm thinkin', Anna, what are you doing? You are getting yourself into a huge mess!!!)

Our conversation got interrupted, and we had to wait for some people to go away. He said, "That kind of upsets me a little bit." Then he asked me, "Why do you say that?" I said, "Here's the way I look at it: Guys and girls bodies are just made to fit together, and it's the only way to reproduce. For those two reasons, I really can't logically justify homosexual behavior in my head. I really don't think that people are born homosexual." He said, "Well, I think that things can happen when you are a child that can influence you that way." I said, "Yeah, absolutely. I think you're right, but I still think you have control." He didn't really say anything.

Then he told me, "You know, I don't think I'm totally gay." I said, "Huh? What do you mean?" He said, "Honestly, I think there's a part of me that's not gay. I can see myself with a woman someday in the future, and I want children. I could raise children in a same-sex sort of environment, but I know a lot of people look down on that. I would never want my kids to have to go through that." I nodded my head and told him I understood.

He talked about how he knows he's a sinner, that homosexuality is listed as a sin in the Bible... He's been to church a lot when he was younger, so he does know some stuff about the way I thing. The thing is, I don't buy the excuse that Dustin was born that way, and I don't think he does either. His own behavior bothers him.

When he told me that he could see himself getting married to a woman, we started talking about what it would be like "if" he pulled out of it. I said, "You know, I know it can be done. I've seen guys who left the homosexual lifestyle behind, but it's really hard. It's sort of like how alcoholics always want to drink and druggies are tempted for the rest of their lives. It doesn't leave you alone. Quitting is hard, but it can be done."

We talked about it for a while longer, but we ran out of silverware pretty soon. I wanted to make sure that he still knew that I love him, and that I'm not trying to shun him. I'm pretty sure I communicated that message. We were still buddies walking out the door.

He did ask me when we were clocking out, "Anna, what do you think about tattoos?" Okay, you all know that I'm a church girl. I know so many church answers that it's not even funny, and so I automatically say things like, "The Bible says..." Trouble is, that doesn't really matter to non-believers. I know that, of course, but I didn't even think about it when I said, "Well, in the Old Testament God did tell his people not to mark their bodies-" Dustin cut me short. He put his hands on my shoulders, came down to my level (he's a lot taller than I am,) and he said, "Anna, I didn't ask you what the Bible said. I asked you what you thought." I sat there for a second, blinking. I blurted, "I think they're gross." I was having a serious mixed reaction. Part of me was thinking, He just said he doesn't care what the Bible says. The other part of me was thinking, I just had a 30-45 minute conversation with him about how I think that homosexuality is wrong, and he still respects my opinion! Oh God, you are so amazing!

I got into my car last night and cried almost the whole way home. My heart is absolutely breaking for Dustin. I just asked God over and over, "What do I do? Did I say the right things? Did I do the right things? Did I scare him away from you? What do I do?"

I don't know if I'm going to be having long conversations about homosexuality with Dustin in the future, but I'm praying so hard that I will be in tune with the Holy Spirit. I don't know what He wants me to communicate to him. You never know what's going to be discussed over silverware next.

Sort of silverwared out,
Anna

It's my birthday today. I'm so excited! Mostly it's because my brother bought me a pink tiara, but that's okay.

I'm turning 18 years old. I'm now officially an adult. Most kids think of all the priveliges that come with that title, but I tend to think of the responsibilities. Yeah, you can legally smoke, but you're going to be the one paying for the doctor bills later on. Sure, you can buy a house, but you're going to be the one paying that mortgage. Not your parents, you. You are now responsible for your own looking after. You can stay out as late as you want, but you're the one who has to make sure that you can get up in time for work the next morning. With every privelige comes a responsibility.

I am excited about my birthday, but it also scares me to death. I don't know if that makes any sense. I know that God will protect me from things, but he doesn't make me immune to stuff. If I screw up and make a big mess out of things, I'm going to have to clean it up myself. I won't have my parents to get me up, dust me off and put band-aids and kisses on all my owies. I think that's what scares me the most about this whole thing.

Anyhow, I haven't written much because my routine is really off since I'm working. See, we don't have internet at home, and since I'm only home in the mornings, I have to do housework and school then. I don't get to come up to the store for very long periods of time. So I'm sorry if you gave up on me ever writing again!

The Birthday Girl,
Anna

The Evening Shift at IHOP

Okay, I thought the morning shift was a little screwed up, and maybe they are, but the evening shift is roughly 72 times worse.

When I went into work yesterday I was the first person on the evening shift to arrive. Ashley came in right after I did. She probably has the most consistantly raunchy mouth I've ever seen. I don't think she likes me very much. I'm not sure what I did to tick her off, but I certainly did something! She cussed me out a couple of times.

J.J. came in next. The two of them got together and started talking about the rumor going around. There's a possiblity that we'll be tested for drugs. I'd be safe, but apparently they wouldn't. They were saying, "The management wouldn't be that stupid. They'd lose most of the evening and graveyard shifts." Hmmm...

They talked constantly about getting wasted this weekend. One of them called the manager a rather foul name because he hadn't let her come to work drunk. ? Go figure.

I've never had so many guys asking for my name and number. It was always, "Hey Anna, how old are you? You're only 17?! Okay, I'll tell him... He wants to know if you have a boyfriend." Just tell him I'm not interested, okay? Thanx. It was just kind of a hard night. Maybe it'll be a little easier tonight, now that I know what to expect.

I think that the hardest part was the fact that they don't think of us as being a team. It's every man out for himself. Dog eat dog. If I see that someone is too busy to clean a table in their section, I clean it. I don't steal their tips, I just clean it. Ashley was shocked at me. She said, "You belong on the day shift. You won't fit in on the night shift." Boy was she right! But it was never my job to fit in, was it? I'm just supposed to do the best I can, whatever shift I'm on, with all the people I'm with.

Poor Ashley doesn't understand that. Maybe that's why she hates me. She doesn't understand why I do what I do. She said, "You're going to get tired of doing everyone elses work. Someday you'll learn to do yours and no one elses." I doubt it. She actually told me not to clean her tables. Ever. The funny thing is that she'll let me clean her floors, just not her tables. My guess is that it's because her tables might have money on them. She doesn't trust me. Maybe one day she will.

I'm praying roughly 72 times harder that God will be with me at work, that the language won't rub off on my thoughts and speech, that I'll stay strong, and that I'll be a beacon of light in a dark place.

Anna

Working in the World

I just started a new job. I'm working as a server at IHOP. So far it's been pretty good, but it is the first time I've worked in an environment that wasn't Christian. Yeah, I know. I'm SUPER sheltered. I'm not really shocked by the things I see at work, they just make me really sad. I'll tell you about some of my co-workers.

Leo
Leo was my trainer. I don't like this guy. He just sort of gives me the creeps. I mean, I think he's a complete pervert. He's really obnoxious, and he insults everyone. See, he thinks that everyone knows that he's joking, but it really grates after a few... minutes. Those are the bad things about Leo. The good thing about him is that he is really great with customers. They all like him, and he gets really good tips. I hear that I'm lucky to learn from him. I'll be okay, I'll just pray he doesn't ever touch me. Eww.

David
This guy is one of the nicest guys I work with. He is ever available to answer my many questions, and even though he looks a little scarey, he's a complete gentleman. I was rolling silverware with him yesterday, and I realized what a sad guy he is. He came here from Portland, Oregon, but I'm not sure when. He said that he worked as a bartender there. He just sat there in the booth, talking to me as he rolled silverware. "It payed really well, but it was a hard job. You have to watch all of these people come in sober and leave drunk. The worst part about it was the fact that I knew I was responsible for getting them that way. I was selling them the alcohol." I felt so bad for him. I didn't know what to say. I mean, it wasn't really his fault that people were getting wasted, but I didn't know how to tell him that. I tried, but he didn't really listen.

Christine
Geez, this girl is something else. She smokes. A lot of the people there smoke, but she is pregnant and smokes. You just want to shake her and say, "Don't you want a healthy baby? What are you thinking?!" She is so proud of her boyfriend because he is in Florida right now, visiting the other girl he got pregnant. She thinks he's just the most wonderful guy for being responsible. Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing that he wants to take care of that kid, but I don't think that he's such a nice guy as she thinks he is. When she was telling us all about this, everyone was pretty much telling her to shut up. She turned to me and said, "They just don't understand! You'll understand, right?" Then she told me the whole story. Hmm. What does one say? Dump him? He's a sorry loser? Why don't you see that all this creep wants from you is sex? Again, I didn't know what to say. David shook his head and said, "I'm so glad I don't have that kind of drama going on in my life. I've worked really hard at it."

Hester
This is an older black lady. I haven't gotten a chance to talk with her much, but I do know that she's really superstitious. Everyone down there is, but I think she's the worst. I was sweeping the floor yesterday, and as soon as she realized that the broom was within 1 yard of her foot, she jumped out of the way and said, "Honey, don't you sweep my feet!" I just kind of stared blankly at her. Having your feet swept apparently has something to do with marriage. I'm not quite sure what, but it supposedly hexes it somehow. Someone swept my feet the other day and looked up at me like they'd just plunged a knife through my heart. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to sweep your feet. I'm so sorry." Psh! You could sweep my feet all day. I really don't give a care! One of the girls said, "I didn't believe it until it happened to me." Um... Okay.

That's all I really have time for right now. I'm starting a new shift today, so we'll see what kind of people I meet tonight. I'm praying so hard that I can make a difference to all those sad people. I wish I could tell you about them all. They all seem really hopeless. I mean, they look like they're trying to be happy, but it's sort of insincere.

That's all for now,
Anna

Busy, busy, busy!!!

I'm so sorry that I haven't written more for the past week! I just started a new job today, so my routine is thrown WAY off track! As soon as I get back in my groove I promise to make a new post!

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger in a windstorm,
Anna

Idiots shouldn't be allowed to drive!

Yes, I know, that statement was a bit harsh, but it's true.

I will tell you why I am speaking so passionately about it right now.

I live on a back road. Well, it's kind of a back road, but not really. It's a highway, but it's about a mile outside the city limits, so of course it's neglected. Our road hasn't been repaved since we moved here about 10 years ago. New Mexico uses really crappy asphalt to pave their roads, so it should have been re-paved a long time ago, but it never has.

Our road has gotten narrower and narrower, (is it narrower and narrower, or more and more narrow? Either way, our road is to stinkin' narrow!) but instead of tearing it up and repaving it, they just paint new lines on it. If you're lucky, they'll send some road dudes out to patch up the pot-holes the size of Rhode Island. It's very nice when they do that! Thanks, road guys!

Okay, so after ten years of painting skinnier and skinnier lanes on our road, they finally did away with passing zones. Not only did they make our road a no passing zone, but they put this sign right in our front yard, so now we have to mow around the stupid thing. Geez, couldn't they put it somewhere else?

It is a good thing though, because it's no longer safe to pass on our road. I mean, if a semi passed you, you would be blown off the road. It's hard enough to pass them when they are going the opposite direction. If you accidentally go off the road a little bit, you'll probably flip your car, because there is at least a three inch drop off on the sides of the road.

Okay, having explained the road situation, I'll tell you what happened. I was driving to work this morning, and I looked both ways and pulled out of my driveway as usual. There were no cars in sight in either direction. So here I am, minding my own business (probably singing), when I look in my rear view mirror and see this car going really fast.

I wasn't quite up to 55 yet, because I hadn't been on the road very long. I sped up faster so that I would be a nuisance to this guy, but even when I'm speeding, this guy is gaining really fast. I was thinking, "What? What is this guy doing? It's probably some reckless kid." Well, the dude passes me, and no, it wasn't a kid. In fact, it was some old geezer in a cowboy hat. He passes me like I'm standing still. A little ways up the road, someone else pulled out, another person singing and going to work, no doubt. I watched, and sure enough, the guy passed him to.

At this point, I was giving the guy the benefit of the doubt. I thought, "Well, maybe he is just used to passing on this road. Maybe he forgot that we can't pass." Well, once we got onto a bigger road (one with a turning lane down the center) I was still watching this guy. The jerk passed someone in the TURNING LANE!!!

Man! There is nothing that gets on my nerves like idiots who pass in the turning lane. I honk at them. They are probably the only people I honk at.

Okay, so I'm thinking, "I wonder where this jerk is going in such an all-fire hurry?" You won't believe where he turned off. WAL-MART!!! He passed three people in no passing zones to go to the stupid Wal-Mart! AAAAUUUUGGGHH!!! I was frustrated, to say the least.

It happened to me a few weeks ago as well. I was on my way home one night, and in between Clovis and Portales had seen about 4 or 5 cops. I think it was Mother's Day, so the cops were out big time. I was not even going to use the 5 mph rule, I was going the speed limit. Well, this guy passed me in the turning lane that night too.

So, here's a few pointers to the idiots out there. DO NOT DRIVE!!! In fact, don't even get into a moving vehicle. Spare us all the frustration, and cut up your driver's license. Don't renew it. And if you absolutely have to drive, DON'T PASS ME IN THE TURNING LANE! I don't drive that slow. You can wait for a few minutes and then go back to your 90mph, or whatever speed you're going. I hope you get a ticket!

Okay, I'm good now.
Anna

Faith Like a Child

Every year I work in a Bible club called 'Awana'. Awana is an acronym for "Approved Workman Are Not Ashamed". The theme verse for the club is 2 Timothy 2:15, "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." I work with the Kinder-2nd grades, the Sparkies. Most of you who read this probably already knew this about me.

Well, every year we take the kids who have worked hard and finished their books to Wonderland Park. This is my third year to have the privelige of going on the trip. The other years, the leaders kind of sent my brother and I off on our own. We had lots of leaders, so we weren't really needed all that much. Well, this year we didn't have quite so many leaders.

There is this girl who asked me a few days before we went, "Can I stay with you while we are in the park this year?" This girl is like, my biggest fan at church. She loves to hang out with me. She thinks I'm the greatest, but I'm not sure why. Anyhow, I told her that she could hang out with me in the park. Well, she wasn't the only one who wanted to be in my group. When we all gathered round to decide who would be in what group with which leader, every girl except for one said, "I want to be in Anna's group!" Okay, this means that out of the 11 kids that came on the trip, 7 of them were in my group. Yikes.

I felt like a mother hen. I was constantly counting kids, looking around to make sure they were all there, putting out little fires in between them, trying to arrange who was going on what ride when... I felt like I was the mom of 7 kids! Not fun! Parenthood is going to be so hard!

Even though it's really hard to be in charge of so many, it was definitely a compliment. See, in my experience with communication with children, they're pretty honest. Brutally honest at times. They tell you what they think. I've seen kids tell adults that they are fat. They say it just like that. "You're fat!" The adults are usually, shocked, embarrased, and anxious to get out of there. When I was younger I told my grandma, "You look like you're dead when you don't wear your make-up. I think if you drove down the road, the oncoming cars would be scared because you look kind of like a zombie." Ouch! I can't believe I said that!

Kids haven't learned to watch what they say all the time. If they want to say something, they say it. If they don't want to say something, they don't say it. This is why a compliment from a child is so special to me. When they come and tell me I look nice, I beam. When they tell me that my group is their favorite to be in, it thrills my soul. When they want attention from me in particular, it positively makes my week. I keep every single picture or little gift they give to me. They go on my wall, above my mirror. Their hugs and kisses are priceless.

I love all of these things, because they all come out of sincere hearts. Adults say things because they "have to". If they don't tell you that you look nice, you'll be offended. If they don't tell you you did fine at a particular task, you'll get your feelers hurt. Sometimes we sacrifice honesty for public opinion. Kids don't.

One time I was in Kentucky, visiting my brother. He was in boot camp for the Army, and we went up there for Family Day. We went and visited a church there, and as we were leaving, this little girl looked up at me and gasped, "Mommy, that girl is so pretty." That comment meant more to me than that little girl will ever know.

When I was younger I would read Mark 10:14-16. This is what it says.

When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.

I would read this passage and wonder, "Why? Why did Jesus say this about kids? Why did he love kids so much?" Now that I'm a little older, I think I understand why. When kids do things, they don't hold back. If a child trusts someone, they trust them with everything they've got. There's something so genuine about children. Their minds are simple, uncomplicated by rough friendships, disappointing relationships, doubt...

When I was younger, it was easier for me to trust God. I rarely doubted Him. I so wish I could be like that now.

I learn from kids all the time, and I hope I never stop. I don't think they realize that some of them are my heros. They respect me, but I hold respect and admiration for some of them as well. I don't want to be a young child again, but I wish I could go back to that mindset. I wish I could be so uncomplicated.

I'm praying that I can be a good role model to them, an example of what the love of Christ should look like.

Anna

Putting On My Big Girl Shoes

I know I've written about this before, but it's definitely what's consuming most of my thoughts lately.

Graduation time is coming. There's a huge fuss everywhere about all the kids who are graduating. People graduating high school, people graduating college, people graduating kindergarten... We've received 4 graduation announcements and invitations so far.

I'm supposed to be graduating this year, but I'm a little behind in my studies. Part of this is because I was lazy when I was younger, and part of it is because now that I want to do it, I don't have time.

I'm so worried about my future. I'm so worried I'm not going to make it. I know that everyone worries about stuff like this. You always have to move. Keep moving, don't stop. Everything is constantly changing, so there's no time to get comfortable. I have lived comfortably for years in my parents house. I didn't have a lot of things in my near future to worry seriously about, but now I do.

I usually love the springtime. And I don't mean that I just kind of like it, I LOVE it. I love to watch the trees grow leaves, I love to watch the flowers bloom, I love to smell the air and to feel the gentle breeze. I love to sit out under the tree in the grass, I love the long evenings of being with friends... I just love everything about it.

This year it's not quite as enjoyable to me. Instead of looking forward to springtime everyday this winter, I dreaded it. I dreaded it because with the springtime came the change. I don't want to change, even though I know I have to. I feel like I'm a horse who doesn't want to go through a gate. I can't see what's inside that gate, so instead of just allowing myself to be led through, I dig in my heels and jerk my head back. I don't want to budge an inch.

The reason I said in my title that I'm putting my big girl shoes on is this: Guys, you probably can't relate with this, but every little girl loves to hear the sound of high heels clip-clopping on her feet. Mommies have high heels. With that sound comes a feeling of importance. A feeling of maturity. You feel so grown up!

Well, as I was leaving the house this morning, I heard it. Clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop. The sound scared me. I realized when I was listening to the sound of my grown-up shoes, I'm not a little girl playing dress-up anymore. I'm a big girl. A woman, in fact. I can't just take off my shoes and go back to being a kid. I have to assume that role permanently. It can't go back in my dress-up trunk to be enjoyed another day. I have to accept my shoes with all of their priveliges and responsibilities, pleasures and pains. It's my turn to be the grown-up. Wow. I'm freaking myself out here.

I'm just going to pray that as I move into this next stage of my life, I'll honor God with every step of these shoes.

Clip-clopping along,
Anna

Help! Help! My Ceiling's On Fire!!!

May sound silly to you, but believe it or not, this actually happened to me this morning.

On Saturday my younger brother was watching the store. He called me in the afternoon and said, "Um, this light is making a lot of noise, and it really smells like something is burning. What do I do?" I told him to turn the lights off. It was about 4:15 on a Saturday which meant we wouldn't even be there all weekend, so there wasn't really any use calling the landlord.

Well, when I came in this morning I forgot about it. It made a funny buzzing noise, but it stopped shortly after it began. After a while it started to smell like burnt plastic or something, so I turned the lights off and called my dad. I also called the landlord, but he wasn't picking up his cell phone.

My dad came in and examined the place and couldn't figure out what was wrong. He stayed for about 10 minutes and couldn't find the problem. He told me to leave the lights on, but to check for smoke frequently and to call him if there was a problem.

About half an hour later a customer came in. I explained why it smelled the way it did, (how embarrasing,) and that we were trying to find the problem. Well, while she was still in the store, I look up and see all this smoke pouring out of one of the ballasts(sp?).

I freaked out. Those of you who know me can probably see me panicking. I honestly think I ran around in a circle trying to figure out what to do. Now, you have to understand that we own a yarn store. I don't know if you've ever seen wool burn, but I have. Let me tell ya, it burns quick. I had these flashes of the store burning down going through my mind. I could see the shelves burning with all the wool... Oh man. All these thoughts were running through my head. "Should I call the fire department? Should I shut the lights off? Should I call my dad?" Of course, the answer to all of these questions probably should have been yes, but in my panicky state I couldn't decide what to do first. (One would think I would run for the fire extinquisher, right? Yeah, I'm so dumb.)

I finally found the presence of mind to turn the lights off. I came back out and the fire was sort of extinguishing itself, so I watched it burn out and decided not to call the fire department. I called my dad who said he would come down immediately.

The customer who was in the store at the time said that she would stay with me until dad came, God bless her. It was a tremendous comfort not to be alone.

When my dad finally arrived he called the landlord. We tried to get a hold of him for about an hour or so. We never did. Dad said, "I'm going to try to track him down in person." A few minutes later he came back. He was pretty upset. He said, "Um, the landlord is in Europe for the next month." Oooookaaaay. Uh, well that's a problem, now isn't it? He called the electricity people. (Don't you love my technical names for things? I suppose I should say 'Electrician')

See, when we tried to turn the lights back on it still got super hot, not to mention that the lights didn't even come on in the front half of the store. I think that the black wire that took most of the blaze was important.

Dad left and went back to work. He said that the electricians would be there in about an hour. They came and fixed it, and everything's fine. Yay electricity guys!!!'

Now all I have to deal with is this horrendous smell that's hanging about. We went and bought a very powerful candle, and it's taking care of a lot of the smell, thank goodness.

Between the smoke, coming off of the adrenaline rush, and the fact that I forgot to bring my lunch today, I almost passed out.

Sooooo, if you happen to see smoke coming out of your ceiling, don't panic like I did! Stay calm. Turn the lights off, run for the fire extinquisher, and tell someone to call 911 if you have someone available. DON'T RUN IN CIRCLES!!! This doesn't accomplish that much to fight the blaze. Make sure to call an electrician to make sure that there are no weird wires that might cause fires. Don't drink and drive, and don't run with scissors!

Your Friendly Firegirl,
Anna

3 Simple Steps to Feeling Your Spiritual Best!

Ha! Yeah right! I really hate it when people say stuff like this. There are no simple steps to feeling your spiritual best. It's like there are a ton of Christian "Self-Help" gurus out there. No two people are the same. I can't figure out why they think that these "simple steps" are going to be the answers to everyone's problems.

It's the same thing with popular Christian studies. You've seen it. 'The Prayer of Jabez', the current 'The Purpose Driven Life' craze. The women are all siked about Beth Moore right now. I'm not trying to bash these things. I know God uses them, but I have a really hard time doing studies just because they are popular. I go in with a pretty raunchy attitude, and that means I have to work really hard at being open to what God wants to teach me.

It also frustrates me when sermons have these cute little outlines where all the words start with "p" or something. Man, that's annoying. Anyway, that was way off subject.

For the last couple of months in my spiritual walk with God, I've felt sort of... distant. Stagnant. Sickly. I think I've figured out why.

I believe my spiritual gift is serving. I love to serve. I love to spend my time helping out at church or working for people. I'm usually one of the first to show up, and I'm almost always the last one to leave. When the church is having a work day I'm there. When we are doing preparation for an upcoming event I'm there. I just love to fill that gap.

One of the reasons I love to serve so much is because it's one of the places that I feel a definite connection with God. When I'm by myself cleaning toilets or the fridge, God is with me. I can't always figure out what He's saying, and sometimes I don't think He really says anything, I can just feel His presence. Even though it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world to be cleaning out urinals in the men's bathroom, (Oh gross. I don't think those things should ever have been invented) it's definitely comforting to feel Him there.

Well, for the last couple of months I haven't done much serving at all. Part of this is because we haven't had a whole lot going on at the church that I was aware of, but that is not an excuse. I ought to seek opportunities out, not wait around for them to move into my path.

I haven't been using the gift that God gave me to further His kingdom. I'm not pulling my share of weight. I'm just sitting here taking and taking. I'm not giving anything back.

I think this is why I have felt so spiritually unhealthy. You know how you feel if haven't done any exercize whatsoever all week? Just like a healthy diet isn't the only factor in maintaining a healthy body, there are quite a few factors in maintaining your spiritual health.

I think I've been doing well as far as my "diet". I've been reading my Bible faithfully, I have been doing a lot of praying, but I haven't been getting any exercize. I haven't been using my gift.

So no, this is not a 6 month plan about how to deepen your relationship with God, an 8 step guide to easy living in the Church, it's just something that I've been thinking about this morning. I'm not a self-help guru, just a 17 year old girl who struggles in her walk constantly.

Did any of that make sense at all?
Anna

The Smile of Grace

Okay, before I get started here, I'll warn ya. I'm not a history buff. I know some of you are (ahem, Chris...), but I'm not, so please forgive any errors in my account of what I saw. I could have totally misunderstood something. I wrote this in my journal last night, and I thought I'd share.


Last night my family watched a documentary on PBS about the nazi concentration camps. I've seen one before that was similar, in fact it even had some of the same video footage in it. Every time I see it, my heart breaks. I want to turn away in disgust, but all of the faces that have seen more death, war, pain and hatred than any human should are holding me captive, just as I'm watching them be held.

They are mere skeletons. Their skin is clinging to their bones alone. They all look old, worn and haggard, even the children. To look at them, you'd think that they had been abandoned, but no, they haven't. In fact, they would probably be better off if they had been. Instead, they are tortured. The men are forced to work on practically non-existent rations. Some of the women are put in a brothel where they are raped and forced to sell themselves to soldiers or preferred prisoners.

They cannot live normally, they cannot die normally, they cannot even sleep normally. Some prison huts were built with barbed wire instead of bedding.

Some of them are taken to a death chamber. They are forced into a room where the air is filled with poison. This seems almost merciful compared to the deaths of others. They are locked into a large barn, which is set on fire. One man managed to squeeze his head and shoulders into a small hole. He gasped for air while the rest of his body burned, and for this he was shot.

Each face is marked with pain, lined with sorrow, but as the camera pans over them, one smiles. Smiling? After all that he has gone through, how can he smile? Somehow he has clung to a shred of glimmering hope.

They have experienced more terrible things than I can comprehend, nor do I want to. But it seems that some of them have experienced more grace than I can comprehend.

I don't understand why it happened, why so many had to die. I don't understand why God allowed it, but I pray that if I am ever forced into a similar situation that God will grant me that grace. The grace that makes weary, war-torn men smile.

Anna

Money is the Root of All Kinds of Worry

I know, I know, it's "The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil", but for me it is an endless source of worry. I worry about it all the time. You know, I say that it's not that important to me, but since I worry about it so much... It must be more important than I think it is.

Since I was about 15 I've managed a lot of my mom's money. Not in her personal account, of course, but at the store. I pay the bills, pay the taxes, balance the account... Well, actually I don't balance the account anymore. She does that herself these days. Hooray!!!

Anyway, there have been times where we have been pretty behind with our bills, and right now is one of those times. We just aren't selling things fast enough. Or maybe we are, I just can't figure out where the money is all going to.

It's strange, because usually tax season makes things really hard. People are saving up to pay taxes, so they keep the finances a little tighter than usual. They don't want to spend it on frivolous stuff like knitting. Well, this year we didn't have much of a problem in tax season. I was amazed, actually, that business was going so well.

Well, this morning I found about 3 bills that weren't in my designated bill folder. They were just kind of laying around. I was horrified! That's 3 more bills on top of the rest that I need to pay but don't have the money for. I really have no idea what to do.

See, last year my mom had a job outside the store. She was working as a secretary for the church, so the money that she was making there was going to the store account. For a few months I could breathe. It was such a relief. We were current on all of our bills. I wasn't staying awake at night, wondering what I was going to do about the money.

Then my mom quit. Now we're back at square one. We have all these bills, and I have no earthly idea how we're going to pay them. It almost literally worries me sick. When I think about it I start to tremble. Weird, huh?

Here's the other thing. I don't understand my mom. See, I do a lot of stuff around the store here. We go out of town twice a month to do classes and stuff, and she really likes me to be there, she has me do all of the ordering and bills.

My brother has been really itching to get a job, and mom and dad have been super encouraging. I was kind of jealous, because I thought that they didn't want me to get a job. I thought that mom thought I was indispensable. Well, that's the message that came across to me. Last night Nathan and I were talking, and he said he heard my mom fuming to one of her friends about how she wishes I would go out and get a job. Huh? I never heard anything about it. She tells me she needs me all the time. When I talked about getting a job before, mom had dad talk to me and say, "Anna, what do you need money so badly for?"

So last night I asked mom about it. She said, "I don't have the money to pay you." Um, yeah, I know that. I pay the bills, remember? So now I guess I'm going to go out and get a million applications... I'm so confused! And worried...

Man, I've got to stop that! Everyone says, "Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself." I've read, "The Cure for Anxiety" in Matthew like, 100 times. I guess I just don't trust God enough. No, I know I don't trust God enough. It's one of my weakest points in my walk. It's something that I have never done my whole life.

When I was 12, I was constantly worrying about my younger brother. Everytime he would walk somewhere and he was gone for more than 10 minutes, I would stand outside and look for him. I was always worried he would be kidnapped or something. I didn't sleep when I was away from home, whether my parents were with me or not. Why on earth did I worry so much? I don't understand me! Who knows?

I would love to say that I trusted God all the time, that he has proved himself faithful, and that was enough for me. He has proved himself faithful, He's never let me down. But no, it's not always enough for me. I still distrust him. Go figure.

Hakunah Matata? Yeah right.
Anna

Weird...

My blog hasn't been showing up. It's just been a blank page. So let's see what happens when I try to republish the whole thing...

I can't write a real post, I don't have time.

Trust

Has anyone ever trusted you, and you have no idea why?

I hear it from people all the time. "In order to be trusted, you must show yourself trustworthy." I say it, too.

Girls talk to me all the time. I'm a leader in my youth group, so I hear the girls talk about a lot of things. One thing that comes up with a lot of girls is trust. Their parents don't trust them. Sometimes it's that they have an earlier curfew than other people, sometimes it's that they don't have a cell phone, sometimes it's that their parents don't want them to hang out with certain guys. They say, "Auuuugh. It drives me insane that my parents won't let me.... (fill in the blank)."

I tell them, "Well, obviously your parents don't trust you that much yet."

"Why not?"

"You have to show yourself trustworthy in order to be trusted." Sounds kind of cliche.

They hate that. They wonder why it is that their parents don't trust them, when sometimes I wonder why my parents do trust me. It's not only my parents. It's other people. People in the church, people at the store...

Some people trust me waaaay more than I think they should. What have I done to earn this trust? I can't think of anything. In fact, I can think of more reasons for people to distrust me than to trust me. This isn't just me bashing on myself, it's really the honest to goodness truth.

I don't know why, but people seem to trust me right away. Before they really know much about me. For instance, this girl I know was going through a really rough time. She was having problems in school, she was having problems at home... I didn't really know her that well. She didn't know me that well either. We didn't really hang out much together. I didn't avoid her, but I didn't go out of my way to be her friend, either.

One day I called her mom for one reason or another. I think it was to invite her to an event. Anyway, as soon as I call, her mom breaks into tears. "Anna, it's so strange that you would call right now, because we were just talking about you. My daughter has been having a really rough day at school. We were just talking about you, because we really think that it would be good if she hung out with you. She really needs a friend like you. Someone who is strong and will support her. Someone who will be there for her the way you already have been."

What? I was never there for her. I never gave her any outstanding support. I couldn't figure out what this mom was talking about. I mean, I didn't cut this girl down, I didn't tell her she was a weirdo, I didn't agree when she made derogatory comments about herself, but I wasn't there by her side to face the world. So what on earth is this woman on the other end of the line talking about?

People also trust me a lot when it comes to spiritual stuff. A lot of younger girls, but also some adults. I don't know why. I feel like my relationship is so shaky sometimes. I don't know very much about the Bible, I haven't had very much experience.

Sometimes I feel like people have a trust in me that I cannot uphold. I know I'm going to slip up, I know they're going to feel betrayed. It seems like it would have been better not to be trusted in the first place than to break the trust they have in you. It seems like people have unrealistic expectations. I'm only 17, I'm not a Bible scholar, I have made a lot of mistakes.

I don't think I can do anything about the fact that people trust me. I'll just have to deal with it, and when I fall, I fall. Hopefully they'll love me enought to help me dust myself off and get on track again. I can't be perfect. I can't be great. I can only be Anna, and Anna messes up. Hopefully people keep this in mind.

I'm so glad that God didn't make me a guy, because guys can be pastors. There is so much pressure put on pastors. People expect them to be perfect all the time. Thank you Lord, for not putting me in that position!

Trying to be trustworthy,
Anna

Girls are mean!

First of all, let me say that my little brother rocks my world! Of course he gets on my nerves a LOT, but sometimes he can be the sweetest person!!!

Okay, so anyway...

Why are girls so mean? We are. We really, truly are cruel creatures. Girls worry about their appearance all the time. At least I do. I'm extremely self concious. And it's not for the guys. I mean, yeah, I wan't to be pretty for the guys, but they're not the ones I'm afraid of. I've never met a guy older than Jr. High that would tell a girl she was ugly. I've never met one who would degrade her appearance. I've never met a guy who makes fun of her because her face happened to break out that day. (Okay, actually I have met one, but we won't count him.)

Girls will do all of these things. When it comes to other girls, we are positively viscious! Because we're jealous? Afraid that Suzie might get more attention from that guy than we will? I don't know. Girls remind me of a bunch of harpies. Loud and abrasive, dashing other peoples self-esteem to pieces on the rocks below.

Girls will tell you what's wrong with your appearance right away. They will tell you what's wrong with your figure, they'll tell you what's wrong with your features, they'll tell you why your hair isn't as cool as theirs, they'll tell you that you need to pluck you eyebrows... In fact, this happened to me just the other day. Some woman told me, "Um, you need to go and pluck your eyebrows, dear." What? Why do you even give a care what my eyebrows look like?

I must admit, my eyebrows are a complicated subject. They are extremely bold and heavy. They have a nice shape to them, I guess. Right now all the girls are plucking their eyebrows until they're teeny tiny, and I can't stand it. Why not just leave them be? Grooming, yes, removing them and penciling new ones in? Not my style. Actually, the only thing that I could do to make them look different is exactly that.

Lots of people like my eyebrows because they're different. Apparently not this woman. Anyway, when she said this it floored me. I just kind of stood their and turned red and stuttered. My brother stared at her open mouthed. I excused this woman's comment, because she has all of the tact of my grandmother. (Um, yeah, that means she doesn't have much.)

Girls tell you what's wrong when you can't do anything about it at the moment, and if it's something you can do, they choose to let you walk around like that all day.

When I was in about the 5th grade there was this girl that no one really liked. She was kind of mean to the rest of us. I can't figure out why. Well, one day all the girls were gathered around giggling, including my best friend. I walked into the group and she whispered, "Hey, look! Monica's fly is unzipped!" They all thought that this was the most hilarious thing, Monica walking around with her underwear showing.

I said, "Well, hasn't anyone told her?"
"Are you kidding? We're not going to tell her! She called me four-eyes!"

I was appalled. I could believe they were letting her look like an idiot just because she had called them a dumb name. I know that it hurts to be insulted, but they were making themselves just like her by not telling her. So I did. "Psst! Monica! XYZ..." Monica liked me from that day forward.

This is the reason I never liked girls when I was younger. All of my close friends were guys. It's not that I don't like them individually, I just despise being in groups.

I don't hang out in girls bathrooms, because I don't want to hear about Jill's latest bad hair day, or the fact that Jennifer forgot to paint her toenails this morning. They probably talk about me the same way, but I don't care. Maybe they don't realize that when they aren't in the bathrooms, all the girls are talking about them the same way the were talking about Jill and Jen.

I don't like entirely female small groups, although I do see the necessity. Girls make me uncomfortable. All gossip and giggling and guytalk. Wow, that's a nightmare to me.

Put me in a group of guys to play football any day! This has always been my attitude, which meant the girls hated me even more. I guess they thought I was boy crazy. They were really jealous that the guys were more comfortable around me than around them. I don't think they realized that the guys didn't 'like me', like me, they just liked having me around. I wasn't the object of their affection, I was another player on the team.

Girls don't understand me, I don't understand them. I don't understand guys either. Hey, who do I understand? When guys ask me to explain things about girls, they are often met with, "What are you asking me for? Beats me! I can't explain them." I do my best to explain female behavior, the femine mind, but I just can't.

I mean really, who can fathom the minds of females?
Anna

In Love?

Everyone who knows anything about me knows this: I want to get married. You probably know this too, because I've mentioned it in my previous posts. I want to get married and raise a family. I've always wanted to be a mom. It's just how I'm wired, I guess.

I've counted on God to have that guy out there for me, and I'm sure he does, he just hasn't sent him. I don't think he's even let me meet him.

Here's where I go wrong. I've been angry at God. Not so much right now, because God has had a few pretty rough conversations with me. I've been angry at Him because life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to. The way I planned it. But see, it's not my job to plan the way my life goes, now is it? I've been angry with Him because I have pleaded and begged Him to send this person, and he hasn't done it yet. He's done it for a lot of my friends, He's done it for my sister, and quite possibly my brother, but he hasn't done it for me. It's all about me. That's what I've been thinking. I'm so selfish.

I was having a conversation with God the other day. This may sound strange to you, and no, I don't hear an audible voice. I can't explain the way God talks to me. I guess it's sort of in my thoughts, like a conversation in my head. Or maybe it's introducing ideas. I don't know exactly how to explain it. I've had conversations with other people my age that say, "Well, I would say that I knew what God was saying sometimes, I'm just afraid it's my own thoughts I'm hearing, not His voice." In my own life, I've never doubted the voice of God in my thoughts. I don't know why. Maybe I should sometimes. Maybe it is indeed simply my flesh speaking. I don't think so on this one, though.

In this conversation I was once again complaining to God.

"Where is he, God? Why haven't you sent him? What am I doing? I'm ready, right?"

No. You're not ready.

"What?! What do you mean I'm not ready? I'm so ready! More ready than I've ever been! I'm going to be graduating high school somtime here, and I don't have anywhere to go. I don't want to be by myself. I want to start the next chapter of my life, and I want him to be there."

I don't want to lose you.

"Huh?"

You have to fall in love with me first, sweetheart. If I let you fall in love with him before you fall in love with me I'll lose you. Not your soul, just your heart, and that I want to keep for myself. I want it to belong to me before you give it away to him.

Silence.

Whoa. That was a big shock for me. I guess I think of myself as being a Super-Christian. I'm far from it. I know this when I think rationally. I've sort of always been ahead of my age group as far as spiritual things go, so I think too highly of myself. Perhaps I think I'm closer to God than they are. How lame is that? Anyway, God pretty much told me that day, "Anna, you ain't seen nothin' yet." Even though it kind of hurt, it was amazing to me.

I thought I was in love with Him before, so if that's not being in love, what is? Wow! It must be absolutely fantastic.

Just thought I would share this "wow moment", as I often call these.


Waiting patiently for my prince, while giving my heart to the King,
Anna

What does God do with all the little daisies?

I compare. I compare a lot. In fact I think I'm one of the worst people about this that I know of. I mostly compare myself to others. Sometimes I think I'm better, sometimes I think I'm worse, but I'm almost constantly doing it.

One of the people that I compare myself to most is my sister. I think this is one of the things about me that drives my youth pastor crazy. He probably tells me at least once a month, "Anna, don't compare yourself to your sister."

Let me tell you about her. She has been a success almost from the point of birth. She has succeeded in almost everything she has attempted. She is a beautiful, smart, talented girl. When she was a little girl, she was backing state representatives into corners while lobbying with my mom. When she was 9 years old she read "Color Me Beautiful" and revamped her wardrobe according to color and clothing style to match her palatte and body type. She collected over 100 beautiful vintage hats while working as a clerk for an auction service when she was about 16. Also when she was around that age, she arranged an entire fashion show for our church's spring tea. In Toastmaster's she wrote her speech about fashion history and did all of her own illustrations. When she was 17 or 18 she was an assistant in a preschool class, and was later appointed to take over for the teacher. She has always been far more mature than the kids in her age group, and also very spiritually mature. She is a very tidy person, a wonderful cook, extremely creative minded and a hard worker. She is now in NYC attending a school to become a fashion designer. Her teachers love her. She is apparently a dream student. The only class that I hear her say she struggles in is Spanish.

Tough act to follow. I have always been more of a social butterfly than she is. People usually like me. I can't explain why, they just do. That's about the only thing that I have over her, though. Someone once told me that she was jealous of me, and I couldn't imagine why. I have nothing that I think she could possibly want. I think this person said it was the attention I get from guys. Me? Go figure? I don't think I'm attractive at all, and I'm so annoying I don't know why any of them would even want to be around me. So when this person said this, it floored me.

I have always looked up to her. I haven't always liked her, I haven't always gotten along with her, I haven't always shown respect to her, but that respect has always been there. I look at her, I look at me, and so the comparing begins. I always come out of it completely down in the dumps. I look at her life and think, "Wow, that is something that I can never be. I'll never be able to measure up." Sometimes I feel like my parents compare me. I'm sure they don't and it's all in my head, but I feel like I'm a disappointment waiting to happen. Sometimes it seems like she is their pride and joy. I sit there listening to my mom beam about how Lydia is succeeding at school, how she is the group leader in her Campus Crusades ministry, how she has this amazing man that she's going to marry... I'm so happy for her, but I wonder, "What have I done that makes my mother beam? What do I have to do? Do I have to go to college? Do I have to be an outstanding success?" Sometimes I don't feel like it's alright to be normal.

I think of myself as a little daisy sitting at the roots of my sister, the beautiful magnolia tree. Her fragrance is wafting through the air, and people say, "Isn't she wonderful? What more could someone ask for? Her parents must be so proud!" Are they proud of me? Is God? What on earth can God use daisies for? Does he pick up the little flowers who have been trampled on by people so busy looking up at the trees?

I have never been mistreated or neglected by my parents. I know that they love me and want the best for me, and I'm sure they don't expect me to become everything that she has.

I love my sister so much, and if there's one person in this world that I could be like, I'd want it to be her. I know she wouldn't want me to compare . It probably makes her feel just as bad as it made me feel when that person told me she had been jealous. So why do I do it? Even I cannot answer this question.

Daisies are good for something, right?
Anna

Sunscreen, Softball and Sore Muscles

This post isn't about anything deep. I couldn't think of anything that I could really put into words and sound sane, so I gave up and decided to write about something pointless.

My dad recently joined the men's softball team at my church. The men's team has a problem right now, because they have 2 games tomorrow, but they haven't had any practices. You can see how this could be a rather large problem. They played a game last Monday and lost pretty bad. I felt awful for them. Some of the guys did pretty well, some of them didn't. That's kind of how it is with most teams, especially church teams. See, on church teams most of the guys (my dad included) aren't there to win at all, they're only there to have fun.

I think it's good that they want to have fun, but some of them are so incompetitive it kills me. I'm so competitive! Just ask the guys I played football with at camp last year. It doesn't even matter if I'm good at the sport. I'm really not good at football. I'm a good runner, but that's about it. Guys are so forgiving toward me, though. They still tell me I'm awesome, no matter how bad I am.

Sometimes I wish they'd tell me the truth, though. I mean, I see it all over the place, a lot in church, and even more in the homeschool community. No matter how bad a kid is at doing something, their parents tell them they are wonderful at it, so the kid continues to make a complete idiot out of themself, and they have no idea whatsoever. It's so sad.

I knew this girl that thought she could sing. Her parents told her she was a wonderful singer, her parents friends told her she was great at it, but when she got up on stage and wailed her song out you wanted to put your hands over your ears and scream, "No more! Please stop! You're killing me here!" It was all I could do to paste my eternal smile on my face and not wince. Maybe I'm just harsh, I don't know, but I do know that I wasn't the only one who thought that way. I wonder why her parents told her the things they did.

I was talking to my brother about this last week. It may sound thoughtless, but why not just tell someone, "Ya know, I love you, but singing just really isn't your strong point. Why don't you find a different hobby that you can really succeed at?" Perhaps not in those words, but something along those lines.

Not to say that I'm without fault here either, but I do try to be honest in the nicest way possible. It's like when one of your friends asks you, "Am I pretty?", but you really don't think she is. I also hate, "Do you think I'm fat?" Um... Well... What does one say? I have a friend who asks me this question all the time! I hate sounding rude or inconsiderate, but I think it's even more inconsiderate to lie to them so they won't be mad. I mean if I asked my friend if she thought I was fat, I'd want her to tell me the truth straight up. I wouldn't want her to say, "No, you're the perfect weight. Not to fat, not to skinny," while everyone else thought, "Wow, that girl could definitely stand to drop a few pounds." I usually end up telling her, "Well, I think that you would feel better and be healthier if you lost a little bit of weight." Is that harsh? I know that we are supposed to speak the truth in love. It's getting that love part across that's the difficult part.

So anyway, that was way off subject. I told my dad that I would practice with him at home. It's kind of a good thing that he signed up for this softball thing, because it gives me an excuse to get him out there exercizing. My mom is always telling me, "I want you to get your dad to exercize with you." I'm not sure why she thinks that I can do that, but I try anyway. I ask him if he wants to go out jogging with me. He never does. But see, if you say, "Hey dad, do you want to go out and practice softball?" he actually has a reason to do it, therefore he's a lot easier to convince.

So there we were, practicing softball in the pasture. I'm really sorry that I'm the only one he can practice with, because I'm the worst softball player I've ever seen. I couldn't hit the ball if you paid me a million dollars, I can't throw very well, and my catching? Well, let's just say I'm lucky that I didn't get a blackeye from where that ball nailed me on Saturday. He was spending more time trying to teach me stuff than really practicing. It was actually good, because he's a pretty good hitter, so he was trying to teach me how to hit. He ended up pitching to me most of the time. He got a lot of practice at that, because I think he pitched to me about 25 times and I only hit it about 5.

While we were outside dad decided to burn the big heap of wood and junk. We throw things that we don't need onto this pile and burn it every once in a while. We were out there for about 4 hrs, and I forgot my sunscreen!!! I have no idea how that happened! You can ask anyone who knows me, I'm almost a nazi for the cause of sunscreen. Any time we go on an event, I'm armed with multiple bottles of sunscreen. I ask everyone, "Have you put on sunscreen?" If the answer is no, I give them a whole bunch. If their answer is yes, I give them some anyway. The guys hate it. They usually end up putting it on anyway, but I guess they don't think it's very manly. Yeah, so when they don't catch a ball they blame it all on the sunscreen. *snort* Yeah right.

So today I'm really sunburned, and my muscles are killing me. I was chasing so many balls, and I didn't want to make him wait. I retrieved them as quickly as possible. One thing that I can say for myself is that I give 100% when I play sports. I'm a litte sore and sunburned today, but I'll survive!

A Crispy Critter,
Anna

The Battle of Purity 2

One thing that I failed to mention in my other post, and it may be slightly off subject is this.

What do I do to help these girls that do end up with babies? I know that their behavior is wrong, and I don't want to condone it, but I think that they are punished so much as it is. Most times her fellow church goers (and sometimes her parents) despise her and won't have anything to do with her. They lift their heads high and step over the broken life in their pathway. They give her the cold shoulder just when she needs the most love and support. They drive her to abortion, and then they condemn her for that too. Then we wonder why these girls turn to other sources for support. Other men, drugs etc. Oh, how God's heart must shatter!

I guess I want to be that person that says, "Yeah, you did mess up, and hopefully you'll know better next time, but I want to help you get this mess cleaned up. Let's get up and move on. We'll figure out what to do next."

Some would think that this is the wrong approach. They would say that I'm being permissive and encouraging toward sin. There are others who would say, "Oh, that is a great attitude! Bravo! That is how all of us should respond." But when the time comes for them to actually display this attitude, they don't. They're nowhere to be found. Why is that? Because they're afraid? Because they're legalistic? Because they don't want to get their hands dirty?

I'm legalistic a lot of times too. It's something that I constantly struggle with. I fight the majority of myself that says that I shouldn't accept this person, I shouldn't associate with this group, I should talk to so-and-so about hanging out with what's-his-name.

So when the time comes for me to step up and make a difference to these girls, what will I do? Will I actually be good to my word? Will I shy away from the hurt that surrounds them, or will I dive in to help them out?

I can't answer these questions, only pray that God gives me the grace to handle every situation appropriately.

I watched Law and Order last night, and there was a comment made by the criminal that made me think. He said, "I think it is impossible for a person to really know themself." Makes me wonder. I know that I don't know myself all that well, because I'm constantly doing things that shock me.

Anyway, I should go and pack up yarn for my trip to Roswell tomorrow. Joy.

Thinking away...
Anna

The Battle of Purity

Have you ever felt like you were alone? I'm sure you have, but I mean morally speaking.

As I've been growing up, there were plenty of girls who said almost the same things I do. That they would abstain from sex until marriage. "Yeah, sure, absolutely! I'm a nice Christian girl, that's what Jesus wants me to do. Besides, my boyfriend would never ask me to have sex, and if he did, I would break up with him."

That's what they all said, and I believed them. I trusted that they were going to carry out that commitment. I thought they were in earnest, and perhaps they were.

Then we all got older. Some of them actually faced those situations we talked about, but they didn't respond the way they thought they would. They gave in. They crossed that line that they made for themselves. First a little, then a little more, then a little more... finally, they end up pregnant.

I saw it just yesterday. A girl that I knew a while back walked into the salon right next door to my store, and she was obviously pregnant. It broke me heart. She's not the only one, I have lots of friends who broke their resolution. I know a guy that got his girlfriend pregnant. His sister also got married because she was carrying another man's child. Another guy I know jeoperdized his relationship with his family for a girl he was sleeping with. A couple of weeks ago, I caught a friend of mine kissing a complete stranger.

These are all people I know from way back. Kids I played with, kids in my Sunday school, kids I went on mission trips with. Some of them were the children of church staff members, not that that makes a difference.

I think about this and I wonder, is it just my generation. Are we all just bad kids? Worse than our parents? What on earth is wrong with us? But no, it's not just my generation. I've been discovering this. Friends of mine who are older women, both inside the church and out have been telling me that they "had to get married."

Doesn't anyone wait? Am I the only one doing this? Not to say that I'm perfect. I'm far from that. I've done my fair share of detestable things, and I don't expect them to be perfect either. I know that it's human and that everyone makes mistakes. I do want to help people. I don't want to judge them, or push them away just because they have a different problem than I do. Perhaps I don't have this problem because I've never been faced with the situation before.

A few years ago, I don't know what I would have done if a guy asked it of me. I honestly don't. This is a good reason for the "No Dating Till 16" rule. I guess I still don't know what I would do. I've known strong Christians who have fallen, so I'm not going to be so cocky as to say I'm sure of myself, but I honestly think that I have a better chance of passing that test now than I ever have before. I don't think I would give in. I pray that God gives me strength if I ever have to encounter that.

Anna

The Toss & Turn

Sounds almost like a dance, huh? Twist & Shout. Right. Well, I wish it were as much fun. I was doing this the other night instead of sleeping. I was awake until well past midight, tossing and turning, thinking about my future. Let me explain my past first.

My one lifetime dream has been to get married. It is all I want in this world, really. I've told God multiple times, "I don't want to be selfish, but if you never give me anything else that benifits me, please give me this. It is the one thing that I ask for myself." And see, I've really counted on God to give this to me. I still do, although it begins to fade.

My mom was married by the time she was 18, and I thought that the same thing would happen to me. Well, I'm 17 and I'm not even dating anyone, so I don't think the 18 thing is going to work out. The problem is that I almost built my entire life, my entire way of thinking around the thought that I would be married. Hmmm. See the problem? Yeah. It's a big one.

I'm having to face the fact that I don't have anywhere to go. I'm not going to college, because my education is severely lacking, in my opinion. Not to mention that I've never been able to do any testing of any kind around people. I can know the material inside and out, and I'll still get like, a 70 on it. Not cool. This morning my brother reminded me of this fact. (Thank you, Nathan!)

So... As my youth pastor reminded me on Wednesday, people who go to college make 90% more money than people who only have a high school diploma. Or was it 90% of the people who graduate from college make more money than people who only graduated high school? Either way, it's not a good situation.

So I was tossing and turning, thinking about what I'm going to do. Will I ever move out from my parent's house? If I do, where will I go? My grandparents? Will I always be dependant on those around me? Because if I'm not, I have to find an apartment, so I'll have rent, electricity, water, heat, internet (if I even have it), and so on. I know approximately how much these bills are, because I have paid them for my mom for about 2-3 years. So I'm doing this math in my head, "If I work 2 part-time jobs, I'll make this much money, so will that be enough to cover all of these things each month? Or maybe a full time and a part-time?"

I told my youth pastor on Wednesday that I would be happy just getting by. I don't need to have a nice car, I don't need to have a nice house, I don't even need the internet, now that I think about it. And I stand by that now. I really don't need much, but I'm wondering if I'll even be able to have the things I need.

All these things were running through my head 100 mph. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Believe me, I tried. It was positively miserable. I prayed and prayed, but have you ever prayed and had 0 response from God? It was like that. I absolutely hate not being able to figure out what God is saying and doing. I guess I just want to be in control. Maybe I just wish I could work from the end back. You know how you work mazes backward? It's a lot easier that way.

So here I am thinking about all this stuff, and I look at the clock and it's like, 12:15. That just made me even more worried, because then I thought, "I'm not going to be able to wake up in time for work tomorrow, so I'm going to get in trouble..." What a vicious cycle! It was so frustrating! I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I have to go because my mom needs me to pay bills. Lovely! I can't get away from this stuff!

Going nutz,
Anna

It works, it works!

I tried to make a blog on a previous occasion, and it didn't work for me. It did this time. Don't know what changed, but something did.

Well, seeing as this is my first post, I'll introduce myself.

I kiss toads. Yeah, the big slimy ones with warts. They are so cute! How can anyone resist? I don't know. This fact has made me famous (or perhaps notorious) in my youth group. Well, this and the fact that I feed small animals to my dog. There is a perfectly logical reason for that! They were going to die anyway. Might as well feed another critter, right? I think this way because I grew up on a small farm. I tend to think more about the practical aspect than the sympathetic, sometimes.

I work for my mom in a small knitting store here in my town. Over all it's not too bad, but one does get tired of being around one's mother after a few days. Well, I'm around my parents 24/7. I'm homeschooled and I work for my mom so...

Yes, I am as annoying in real life as I sound on this blog. I do so wish I could change my personality sometimes. I think if I could control my mouth a little better it would help. See, I talk without thinking about what I'm saying, somtimes. I don't say mean things, just stupid ones. Things that make no sense whatsoever. I just ramble on and on without saying much at all. Very much like this paragraph, in fact! And then when I catch myself, I stop midsentence and look around the room at everyone smiling and laughing at me. *sigh* Oh well. I guess that's why everyone loves me. (not)

My very best friends here are my youth pastor and his wife. They have been there for me so many times. I don't know what I would do without them. I try super hard to make it up to them, but I haven't been able to do so yet. Maybe I'll baby sit for them in the future. They recently celebrated the birth of their second son, Dylan. He's so beautiful! I adore his older brother, as well. *wink, wink!* (he's only 3)

This is all I have time to write. We'll see if this even stays posted. I'm looking forward to writing my thoughts, anyhow. I'll probably write about once a week, and I won't be able to write about something serious until Monday. Ah well, such is life.

Anna