Stop The Scare Tactics!

It is amazing how unbelievably confusing parenthood is, and I haven't even popped this baby out yet.  (12 weeks and counting!)

It's just like with anything else you decide to take up.  Pool maintenance, for example.  I had never even thought twice about the water I was swimming in when I visited a pool, but when a relative decided to get an above ground pool and delegated my husband and I as the care takers, (...) I quickly learned to appreciate the beautiful, clear water that I had swam in before.  (FYI, don't ask us to care for your pool.  We were a miserable failure.  Also, do NOT place a pool beneath a tree.  That is the worst idea.  Ever.)  All of a sudden pool water went from being simple to being ridiculously complex.  I don't know anything about pH levels or fungus or shocking or any of that stuff.  For those of you who have learned this art, I applaud you.  To me it was like trying to learn greek, and I quickly threw my hands up in despair as I gazed into the murky green depths.

I find myself in much the same quandary with this whole parenting issue.  Only this time, I don't have the liberty of throwing my hands up in despair and risking being badmouthed as a bad and irresponsible... relative.  (We will leave the specifics of the relations out in order to protect all involved.)

Anyway, as soon as you end up pregnant, you are all of a sudden bombarded with a million decisions to make, all of which you feel unqualified to make whatsoever.

What type of prenatal care should I receive?  Should I go to an OB?  Should I see a midwife?  Should I get a flu shot?  How much testing is actually necessary during pregnancy?  If this test comes up positive, does getting amniocentesis make me a bad person?  Does NOT getting it make me irresponsible?  Vaccines!  Are they safe?  Are they really worth it?  What is 'attachment parenting'?  Babywise?  Will letting my baby cry it out sometimes damage him forever?  What is actually necessary to put on my registry?  (I know Babies R Us says 4 strollers, but really?  4?)  Cloth diapering?  No?  Yes?  What kind of cloth diapers won't make me want to pull my hair out and make spending $2000 on disposables seem soooo worth it?  Does it make me a hippy if I want to give birth in a tub?  When I go into labor AM I GOING TO POOP ON MYSELF??? Why do I want ice cream right now?  If I do eat ice cream, am I going to give myself gestational diabetes?  I didn't finish all of my wine at New Year's communion.  Does that mean I'm not a Christian because I didn't "Drink ye all of it"? (Mt. 26:27 KJV)  Does it mean I've given my baby fetal alcohol syndrom?  Wait, some people don't circumcise their boys?  Why not?  Who ever knew there was such a thing as 'holistic circumcision'?  Why do I still want ice cream?

It feels much like trying to navigate a mine field.  One wrong step and BOOM!!!  You may have raised the next Charles Manson or something.

On the one side I have the medical community of people who I believe do genuinely care about all of their patients.  Included on this side are those who are influenced heavily by the medical community, which is... I don't know.  Almost everyone.  This side trusts that medical professionals are just that.  Professionals.  They have studied.  They have practiced.  They know, and should be trusted.  This side is pro-vaccine, pro-epidural, (God made people smart enough to invent them so that I wouldn't have to go through this pain!) all about disposable diapering, and anything else that makes parenting a little less stressful.  If breastfeeding is really not working out for you, it is okay to switch to formula, and you shouldn't feel guilty about doing this.  It may be in your baby's best interests.  This side says you're really asking for it if you do not get vaccinations, and get them when your pediatrician tells you to.  This side judges/worries frantically about hippies, *ahem* women who are not birthing in hospitals, because what if something happens?  You and your baby could both die.
 
On the other side we have the natural birth community, etc.  Attachment theory believers, La Leche leaguers, cloth diaperers, and other earth mamas.  These women also care, but have been burned before.  These women are trained to ask questions, either by themselves or by someone else.  They do not accept the things told to them as absolute fact, regardless of a white coat.  They want to see the data and try things for themselves.  These people believe that an obstetrician is not necessary for the average birth, and that birth should take place at home, in a birth center, or in some relaxing environment, unless of course there is something that makes the delivery abnormally risky.  These people are anti-formula, anti-drugs (in most, but not all situations.  God created women's bodies wonderfully, and they are able to give birth in most cases without the help of drugs, hormones and tools,) extremely wary of vaccines, anti-television, anti-disposable diapers, etc.  Breast milk is the elixer of life!  Breastfeeding is the best thing for you and baby, and formula is really not as necessary as people think it is.  Do your research.  Try changing your diet, etc. before racing to Babies R Us to pick up formula when your pediatrician tells you it's okay.  This side says you're really asking for it if you get vaccinations without doing your research, because some vaccines are live, and your baby could catch said virus and die.  This side judges/worries frantically over the average imbecile, *ahem* woman who gives birth in a hospital, because she could receive unnecessary medical intervention and have to have an emergency c-section or worse.  You and your baby could both die.

Then you have the things that both of these communities are saying.  ORGANIC, ORGANIC, ORGANIC!!!  If you are not feeding your baby organically grown fruits and vegetables, you are an idiot.  You have not done your research.  You are an unfit parent, and are causing your baby harm.  (No matter that most of us are feeding our children hot dogs and the occasional McDonald's.)

See what I mean?  One wrong step.  BOOM!!!

In my mind's eye I see myself, baby in arms, deer in the headlights, completely confused at the screaming masses around me.  It's terrifying, really.

What's a mommy to do?

I find myself mucking about in the midst of all of these opinions, hesitant to jump on anyone's band wagon to condemn all of the people who are parenting any other way.

I talked to my sister about this recently, and she mentioned that she is just sick of all of the scare tactics, regardless of which side they come from.  And she is right.  That is how I feel.

I am so tired of being made to feel guilty if I do/do not do what one source or another deems bad/good for my child.

I am sick of posters that show children in bed with butcher knives, claiming that co-sleeping is just as dangerous.

I am sick of posters suggesting that spanking your child is equivalent to abuse.

While I want to be educated about risks/benefits etc., when it comes down to it, you don't know me, and you don't know my child.  You cannot tell me that there is one way that works 100% of the time.  So just. stop.  ...Please.

Hearing, Listening, Obeying

We just got in last night from a Midwinter Retreat at Guadalupe Christian Camp.  The theme for the retreat was 'The Voice', inspired by the reality TV show, but with an obvious twist;  The Voice, being God's voice.

The speaker was great, inspiring all of the kids listen to God's voice and telling them how God speaks to us as believers.

Again, the speaker was really good, but I also had this nagging thought in the back of my mind that comes from my experience watching a 2 year old; listening is good, but it isn't worth a thing if you don't obey.

There are so many times where I tell Lincoln to do something.  Anything from, "Would you please pick up that piece of trash," to, "Please do not slam doors."  He's a 2 year-old boy, so sometimes he gets a little spacey. 

I end up repeating myself several times and saying, "Lincoln, did you hear me?  Lincoln, are you listening?" 

"Yes," he responds. 

"What did I say?"  And about 50% of the time he can repeat it back to me.  Then the question is, "Why aren't you obeying?"

Sometimes a time-out is necessary, the result of not listening.  But really, that's really only half of it.  It's the not obeying that got him in trouble.  So my phrasing went from simply encouraging him with, "Listen..." to asking him to, "Listen and obey."

And this was the nagging thought in the back of my mind.  As a teenager, it is much easier to listen to God's voice when you are away from home, away from your parents who drive you nuts, away from the bad influences of school, and you have no internet connection.  It's when you get back that it gets difficult, because the voice of God has so many competitors!  So training in listening is so very important, but I don't want to forget that it is still possible to hear the voice of God and not obey it.  And that's really where things can go bad.

Jesus confronts this issue in Matthew 7 when he says, "Therefore, anyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice..." and then later, "But anyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice..."

It's terribly important that we don't go half way on this, because that could be the difference between a life with a firm foundation, and a life with a shifty one.

I'm sure it's no accident that as I was continuing my reading in Ezekiel this morning, I came across the following passage:

Ezekiel 33:31-32
"So My people come pretending to be sincere and sit before you.  They listen to your words, but they have no intention of doing what you say.  Their mouths are full of lustful words, and their hearts seek only after money.  You are very entertaining to them, like someone who sings love songs with a beautiful voice or plays fine music on an instrument.  They hear what you say, but they don't act on it!"

Am I expecting God to settle for getting my attention, but none of my obedience?  Are you?

What were we thinking?!

As Caleb's due date creeps closer and closer, (and closer,) I find myself becoming more and more scared of the day that he makes his first appearance.  Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to it, and it will be a day of joy and celebration for Bubba and I, along with our friends and families, but there is also this part of me that says, "How will I ever be a parent?"

It's a funny thing.  When girls are little, even 2-3 years old, they enjoy taking care of baby dolls, especially when they see their mommies taking care of babies.  It cools down for a while, but somewhere around 13-14 they begin again to start noticing babies and wanting to take care of them.  That instinct grows stronger and stronger as the years go by until hopefully they are married, and BOOM!  Full blown baby-fever strikes.

Now, I realize that this is not how it happens for every single girl, but it is a scientifically proven fact that almost universally, women feel the desire to have a baby at some point in their lives, usually around the ages of 18-30. 

I was reading about this in Glamour magazine the other day, (thank goodness my subscription expired.  Stupid magazine,) and it was addressing this fact, and how it is affecting the mindset of young American women who have careers and such.  When are you ready?  What do you do about your career?  Why does this happen?  I think that they came to the conclusion that it had something to do with evolution and the desire to prosper the human race, or something along those lines.

However, this my firm belief as to why that thing snaps in a woman's brain.

Genesis 1:27-28
God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.  God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it."

Tada!  There's your baby-fever right there.  God put it in there, and it's been driving women crazy (no, literally crazy.  As in doing crazy things in order to have children,) ever since.  Even the most career minded of women have a moment where they realize that, "Holy toledo!  My eggs are going bad!  I need to find myself a man, and FAST!"  And so movies like Tina Fey's 'Baby Mama' are born.  And thank goodness, because that movie is hilarious.

What confuses me about this whole process is the fact that in the midst of all of this craving for babies, why does the thought never occur to us women, "Parenthood is the most daunting challenge ever introduced to the human race.  RUN!!!"  And even if it does, we just brush the thought aside and continue the painful longing for a baby at our bosom and dreaming of nursery themes and adorable baby outfits!

So one day we pee on a stick and run in to our husbands with tears and hugs and kisses and say, "I'm going to be a mommy!" and then a week or a month later we wake up in cold sweats, pulse through the roof and say, "I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!!"

Okay, so the first part of that isn't exactly how it went for me, but the second part is pretty spot on.  I find myself waking up with my heart pounding out of my chest quite frequently.  The cause has gone from the thought, There is a baby inside of me, and eventually it will have to come out.  Very unpleasantly, to recently, What will Bubba and I ever do with a teenage boy of our own?  I mean, we practice on other people's children all the time.  But does it make me a bad youth minister's wife to say that I'm not at all confident to raise my own kid?

Parents of our students come to us about their children with stories.  "My teenager snuck out of their window last night and hasn't come home yet."  "My teenager who has always done well in school is now failing out of 2 classes."  "My teenager just has no respect for me and wants to live with my ex.  What do I do?"

Since we were engaged, Bubba and I have been watching situations like these and saying to each other, "What if our kid goes through that?  How would we handle it?"  But at that point it was really more like a fun little game, akin to 'Would You Rather?' or something like that.  But now I find myself looking at Bubba and going, "No, really.  What are we going to do if this happens?"

The things I worry about now are things like, When is the right time to let our kid have a cell phone?  What kind of plan do we get him?  The internet.  Can we just get rid of it?  How do we handle the 'allowance' situation?I do realize that the teenage years are a ways off yet, but this is stuff that really is concerning to me.

But in the end, I know that God is faithful, and that He is really in charge of handling most stuff.

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go,
Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Do your thing, God!

Our Little Creature

Just realized that I failed to make an entry when we found out the gender of our baby!

It's a boy, and his name will be Caleb Michael.  We take names pretty seriously, and biblical names are kind of tradition in my family.  (Between first and middle names, it's getting a little difficult not to repeat, by the way!  There are plenty of names in the Bible, but really, who is going to name their kid Jehoiachin or Uz or Buz?  We also want our kid not to have to endure merciless teasing at the hands of schoolmates...)

We love the integrity of Caleb in Numbers 13 and throughout his life.  The fact that he and Joshua stood up in the face of peer pressure with faith that God would do what He promised, despite the grim outlook of the rest of the troops is something that we hope our son aspires to.  We pray that he has the same kind of stubborn, reckless faith.

Michael is Bubba's first name, and it means 'Who is like God?'

Despite what a couple of students and former students may have thought when we announced the name, no.  He is not named after any of you.  No offense.  We love you, but no.  We have had those names chosen for years now, long before we met you.

Here is the best picture, in my opinion.  Here is our Caleb, looking 'tender and mild', a picture of tranquility and innocence.

Aaaand then there's this one.

Now I realize that this might make me sound like the meanest mom ever, but I think that this picture of our little guy is absolutely terrifying.  He weighed about 12 oz. at this point, and he really didn't have whole lot of meat on his li'l bones.  This was the second round of photos, and for him, the show was over.  He was scared (to the point that I almost asked the technician to stop...) and was hiding his little face and retreating as far back into me as he possibly could, while trying to cover his poor little ears.  It really was the saddest thing.  So this picture was taken in the midst of all of that.  It is my honest opinion that he bears a strong resemblance to the creature Gollum.  Tell me you don't see it.  I dare you. 

But this little creature has my heart anyway.