I screwed up. I really did. I allowed myself to react according to my flesh, and what's worse, I did it in front of non-believers.
When she walked in, everything about her was screaming about her need of love. She was an overweight woman with a head of uncontrolled hair and a tired expression on her face. She was wearing a t-shirt that was hitched up, revealing her midriff and bulging belly. She would get up and walk around for no apparent reason every couple of minutes. It appeared she was trying to be sexy, but not pulling it off too well. As a matter of fact, it had quite the opposite result. Everywhere she went, she was surrounded with snickering and slack-jawed people.
She would call out to you. You would walk over, and she would extend your hand, waiting for you to take it. "Hi. I'm La La. What's your name? Oh, hi!" She would then tell each different person a different story, trying to get people to hang out with her. Mine in particular was an invitation to a bachelorette party at the La Quinta Inn. "That's where everyone is going to be. I'm going there as soon as I'm done here. You should come with me! I'm going to California for 2 weeks to record CD's."
She was so desperate for friendship and compassion, neither of which she found with us. She was always there, hanging around in the background. Every conversation that I would have with another person would be interrupted by her walking up, wanting to join in.
Repulsive? Yes, but not nearly so much so as my behavior in response. I laughed at her. I joined in with the groups of disgusted people, talking behind her back and snickering as she walked by for the umpteenth time. They were snorting, laughing, making fun of either her appearance or her seeming insanity, and I was right there with them. This I recall with flaming cheeks and burning conscience.
I, who claim to be a follower of Christ, was not standing up for her, not even leaving the groups of gossip. I was even joining in their laughter, my own ringing with theirs. What's funnier than a crazy fat girl who thinks she's sexy, right? Wrong. Oh, Anna! How wrong you were!
I had been trying so hard to be a good witness, a good example of the love of God, and I completely shattered it with my own flesh and desire for acceptance. I'm sure that my co-workers were thinking, "So this is the 'love' of God? Just like a Christian. Hypocritical." I am truly the least Christ-like 'Christian' out there.
I failed God, I failed her, I failed my co-workers and I failed myself. I wasn't a child that God could be proud to call His own. No, not proud, but certainly ashamed. I know I'm ashamed of myself.
Today I am going to work with the intention of apologizing to all of my co-workers. I will probably be met with laughter, but it really isn't funny. I have to let them know that what I did was completely unacceptable, and completely opposite everything I've ever stood for or believed. I can't take it back, but I can learn from my mistakes and avoid them in the future. That's all I can hope for.
Thank God for His glorious forgiveness, because I certainly need it often.
With remorse of the greatest sincerity,
Anna
