In Love?

Everyone who knows anything about me knows this: I want to get married. You probably know this too, because I've mentioned it in my previous posts. I want to get married and raise a family. I've always wanted to be a mom. It's just how I'm wired, I guess.

I've counted on God to have that guy out there for me, and I'm sure he does, he just hasn't sent him. I don't think he's even let me meet him.

Here's where I go wrong. I've been angry at God. Not so much right now, because God has had a few pretty rough conversations with me. I've been angry at Him because life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to. The way I planned it. But see, it's not my job to plan the way my life goes, now is it? I've been angry with Him because I have pleaded and begged Him to send this person, and he hasn't done it yet. He's done it for a lot of my friends, He's done it for my sister, and quite possibly my brother, but he hasn't done it for me. It's all about me. That's what I've been thinking. I'm so selfish.

I was having a conversation with God the other day. This may sound strange to you, and no, I don't hear an audible voice. I can't explain the way God talks to me. I guess it's sort of in my thoughts, like a conversation in my head. Or maybe it's introducing ideas. I don't know exactly how to explain it. I've had conversations with other people my age that say, "Well, I would say that I knew what God was saying sometimes, I'm just afraid it's my own thoughts I'm hearing, not His voice." In my own life, I've never doubted the voice of God in my thoughts. I don't know why. Maybe I should sometimes. Maybe it is indeed simply my flesh speaking. I don't think so on this one, though.

In this conversation I was once again complaining to God.

"Where is he, God? Why haven't you sent him? What am I doing? I'm ready, right?"

No. You're not ready.

"What?! What do you mean I'm not ready? I'm so ready! More ready than I've ever been! I'm going to be graduating high school somtime here, and I don't have anywhere to go. I don't want to be by myself. I want to start the next chapter of my life, and I want him to be there."

I don't want to lose you.

"Huh?"

You have to fall in love with me first, sweetheart. If I let you fall in love with him before you fall in love with me I'll lose you. Not your soul, just your heart, and that I want to keep for myself. I want it to belong to me before you give it away to him.

Silence.

Whoa. That was a big shock for me. I guess I think of myself as being a Super-Christian. I'm far from it. I know this when I think rationally. I've sort of always been ahead of my age group as far as spiritual things go, so I think too highly of myself. Perhaps I think I'm closer to God than they are. How lame is that? Anyway, God pretty much told me that day, "Anna, you ain't seen nothin' yet." Even though it kind of hurt, it was amazing to me.

I thought I was in love with Him before, so if that's not being in love, what is? Wow! It must be absolutely fantastic.

Just thought I would share this "wow moment", as I often call these.


Waiting patiently for my prince, while giving my heart to the King,
Anna