Sounds almost like a dance, huh? Twist & Shout. Right. Well, I wish it were as much fun. I was doing this the other night instead of sleeping. I was awake until well past midight, tossing and turning, thinking about my future. Let me explain my past first.
My one lifetime dream has been to get married. It is all I want in this world, really. I've told God multiple times, "I don't want to be selfish, but if you never give me anything else that benifits me, please give me this. It is the one thing that I ask for myself." And see, I've really counted on God to give this to me. I still do, although it begins to fade.
My mom was married by the time she was 18, and I thought that the same thing would happen to me. Well, I'm 17 and I'm not even dating anyone, so I don't think the 18 thing is going to work out. The problem is that I almost built my entire life, my entire way of thinking around the thought that I would be married. Hmmm. See the problem? Yeah. It's a big one.
I'm having to face the fact that I don't have anywhere to go. I'm not going to college, because my education is severely lacking, in my opinion. Not to mention that I've never been able to do any testing of any kind around people. I can know the material inside and out, and I'll still get like, a 70 on it. Not cool. This morning my brother reminded me of this fact. (Thank you, Nathan!)
So... As my youth pastor reminded me on Wednesday, people who go to college make 90% more money than people who only have a high school diploma. Or was it 90% of the people who graduate from college make more money than people who only graduated high school? Either way, it's not a good situation.
So I was tossing and turning, thinking about what I'm going to do. Will I ever move out from my parent's house? If I do, where will I go? My grandparents? Will I always be dependant on those around me? Because if I'm not, I have to find an apartment, so I'll have rent, electricity, water, heat, internet (if I even have it), and so on. I know approximately how much these bills are, because I have paid them for my mom for about 2-3 years. So I'm doing this math in my head, "If I work 2 part-time jobs, I'll make this much money, so will that be enough to cover all of these things each month? Or maybe a full time and a part-time?"
I told my youth pastor on Wednesday that I would be happy just getting by. I don't need to have a nice car, I don't need to have a nice house, I don't even need the internet, now that I think about it. And I stand by that now. I really don't need much, but I'm wondering if I'll even be able to have the things I need.
All these things were running through my head 100 mph. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Believe me, I tried. It was positively miserable. I prayed and prayed, but have you ever prayed and had 0 response from God? It was like that. I absolutely hate not being able to figure out what God is saying and doing. I guess I just want to be in control. Maybe I just wish I could work from the end back. You know how you work mazes backward? It's a lot easier that way.
So here I am thinking about all this stuff, and I look at the clock and it's like, 12:15. That just made me even more worried, because then I thought, "I'm not going to be able to wake up in time for work tomorrow, so I'm going to get in trouble..." What a vicious cycle! It was so frustrating! I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I have to go because my mom needs me to pay bills. Lovely! I can't get away from this stuff!
Going nutz,
Anna
1 comment:
Anna,
The one piece of advice I can give you is not to compare your life to others. Not to your mom, not to your sister, not to your friends, and yes, not even your youth pastor.
Although, I can give you some hope. You too Matthew. Not only did Amy and I make it through college married, but we made it through college married and with a baby. Talk about stressful. But we survived and proved many doubters wrong.
When we got married both of our sets of parents really didn't think we could make it through college. I had to promise on my life, literally, that Amy would graduate if her dad allowed us to get married. He was dead serious too.
Then Brett surprised us, and not only did our parents express disappointment, but our church and many of our friends did not think we could make it through college with a baby. Even some of our professors expressed doubt.
But Amy and I had each other, and we stuck together, and we made it. yes, Matthew is extremely right. God never wants to put us in a situation where we can do things on our own. He wants us where we have to trust him completely.
You've been dealt a grow up card in the game of life, and now you have to figure out how to respond.
I've been praying a lot lately for you. And I really think that you would benefit greatly by trying college. I know you have doubts and fears, things you have never been exposed to, like testing,etc., but you are intelligent enough to go and get a degree. Plus, I think you will find it a great experience, plus, Mr. Right might be waiting for you in an unexpected place. My main message on Wednesday was that Rewards never come without taking risks first. This is one of those times where you might have to take a risk and trust God. But I do believe God will reward you for stepping out in faith regardless of what you choose to do.
Love Ya,
Chris
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