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Thursday, May 12, 2005

Putting On My Big Girl Shoes

I know I've written about this before, but it's definitely what's consuming most of my thoughts lately.

Graduation time is coming. There's a huge fuss everywhere about all the kids who are graduating. People graduating high school, people graduating college, people graduating kindergarten... We've received 4 graduation announcements and invitations so far.

I'm supposed to be graduating this year, but I'm a little behind in my studies. Part of this is because I was lazy when I was younger, and part of it is because now that I want to do it, I don't have time.

I'm so worried about my future. I'm so worried I'm not going to make it. I know that everyone worries about stuff like this. You always have to move. Keep moving, don't stop. Everything is constantly changing, so there's no time to get comfortable. I have lived comfortably for years in my parents house. I didn't have a lot of things in my near future to worry seriously about, but now I do.

I usually love the springtime. And I don't mean that I just kind of like it, I LOVE it. I love to watch the trees grow leaves, I love to watch the flowers bloom, I love to smell the air and to feel the gentle breeze. I love to sit out under the tree in the grass, I love the long evenings of being with friends... I just love everything about it.

This year it's not quite as enjoyable to me. Instead of looking forward to springtime everyday this winter, I dreaded it. I dreaded it because with the springtime came the change. I don't want to change, even though I know I have to. I feel like I'm a horse who doesn't want to go through a gate. I can't see what's inside that gate, so instead of just allowing myself to be led through, I dig in my heels and jerk my head back. I don't want to budge an inch.

The reason I said in my title that I'm putting my big girl shoes on is this: Guys, you probably can't relate with this, but every little girl loves to hear the sound of high heels clip-clopping on her feet. Mommies have high heels. With that sound comes a feeling of importance. A feeling of maturity. You feel so grown up!

Well, as I was leaving the house this morning, I heard it. Clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop. The sound scared me. I realized when I was listening to the sound of my grown-up shoes, I'm not a little girl playing dress-up anymore. I'm a big girl. A woman, in fact. I can't just take off my shoes and go back to being a kid. I have to assume that role permanently. It can't go back in my dress-up trunk to be enjoyed another day. I have to accept my shoes with all of their priveliges and responsibilities, pleasures and pains. It's my turn to be the grown-up. Wow. I'm freaking myself out here.

I'm just going to pray that as I move into this next stage of my life, I'll honor God with every step of these shoes.

Clip-clopping along,
Anna

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