Wow. That's all I can say. I had this conversation last night... Well, let me just tell you.
Okay, there's this guy at work. His name is Dustin. Dustin is a cool guy. Very sweet, extremely nice, a good team worker. He is one of my favorites to work with. I call him "My friend at work". He's the guy that I go to and say, "AAAAAUUUUGH! Table 40 is going to strangle me!"
Now, the thing that you have to understand about Dustin is that he's gay. It's out in the open, and everyone knows it. I know he's gay, he knows I'm a Christian, but the wonderful thing is that we still get along great. We don't shun each other at all.
A couple of days ago, the fact that I have never been kissed came up. Oh my goodness, you would have thought that I sprouted antennae and turned green. It made the biggest splash ever. One of the guys chased me around the store, trying to get a hold of my "virgin lips." Okay, what a creep! EEEEEWWWW! Anyway, the idea of being abstinent is almost foreign to them, so when I mentioned that I've never even been kissed, they flipped out. They mention it about once every hour or so.
And that's what's been going on down at work. I was just trying to set the situation up for ya...
So there are Dustin and I, sitting there rolling our silverware (we roll a lot of silverware), and across the room they start talking about me again. Apparently Dustin hadn't heard the whole thing, so when he heard about the kissing thing he said, "Aww, that's so sweet. You're so pure, Anna." He hung his head and made a comment about being a whore.
I didn't know what to say. I mean, I just kind of looked down at my silverware and kept rolling. We started talking about the fact that he's homosexual, and he made a comment that sounded like this. "Well, it's not really my fault. I was born this way." I said, "Um, I'd have to disagree with you there." He looked back down at his silverware and said, "What, you think I'd choose to be the way I am?" I looked at him and said, "Yeah." (Right now I'm thinkin', Anna, what are you doing? You are getting yourself into a huge mess!!!)
Our conversation got interrupted, and we had to wait for some people to go away. He said, "That kind of upsets me a little bit." Then he asked me, "Why do you say that?" I said, "Here's the way I look at it: Guys and girls bodies are just made to fit together, and it's the only way to reproduce. For those two reasons, I really can't logically justify homosexual behavior in my head. I really don't think that people are born homosexual." He said, "Well, I think that things can happen when you are a child that can influence you that way." I said, "Yeah, absolutely. I think you're right, but I still think you have control." He didn't really say anything.
Then he told me, "You know, I don't think I'm totally gay." I said, "Huh? What do you mean?" He said, "Honestly, I think there's a part of me that's not gay. I can see myself with a woman someday in the future, and I want children. I could raise children in a same-sex sort of environment, but I know a lot of people look down on that. I would never want my kids to have to go through that." I nodded my head and told him I understood.
He talked about how he knows he's a sinner, that homosexuality is listed as a sin in the Bible... He's been to church a lot when he was younger, so he does know some stuff about the way I thing. The thing is, I don't buy the excuse that Dustin was born that way, and I don't think he does either. His own behavior bothers him.
When he told me that he could see himself getting married to a woman, we started talking about what it would be like "if" he pulled out of it. I said, "You know, I know it can be done. I've seen guys who left the homosexual lifestyle behind, but it's really hard. It's sort of like how alcoholics always want to drink and druggies are tempted for the rest of their lives. It doesn't leave you alone. Quitting is hard, but it can be done."
We talked about it for a while longer, but we ran out of silverware pretty soon. I wanted to make sure that he still knew that I love him, and that I'm not trying to shun him. I'm pretty sure I communicated that message. We were still buddies walking out the door.
He did ask me when we were clocking out, "Anna, what do you think about tattoos?" Okay, you all know that I'm a church girl. I know so many church answers that it's not even funny, and so I automatically say things like, "The Bible says..." Trouble is, that doesn't really matter to non-believers. I know that, of course, but I didn't even think about it when I said, "Well, in the Old Testament God did tell his people not to mark their bodies-" Dustin cut me short. He put his hands on my shoulders, came down to my level (he's a lot taller than I am,) and he said, "Anna, I didn't ask you what the Bible said. I asked you what you thought." I sat there for a second, blinking. I blurted, "I think they're gross." I was having a serious mixed reaction. Part of me was thinking, He just said he doesn't care what the Bible says. The other part of me was thinking, I just had a 30-45 minute conversation with him about how I think that homosexuality is wrong, and he still respects my opinion! Oh God, you are so amazing!
I got into my car last night and cried almost the whole way home. My heart is absolutely breaking for Dustin. I just asked God over and over, "What do I do? Did I say the right things? Did I do the right things? Did I scare him away from you? What do I do?"
I don't know if I'm going to be having long conversations about homosexuality with Dustin in the future, but I'm praying so hard that I will be in tune with the Holy Spirit. I don't know what He wants me to communicate to him. You never know what's going to be discussed over silverware next.
Sort of silverwared out,
Anna
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